Nearing A Conclusion

There are no words to describe the tumultuous relationship that we have. There are wounds, scars, that will never quite heal. But I try so very hard with you. Because I love you so very much.


Heather said that to begin her Mother's Day tribute. And you can check out the rest of her post about her and her relationship between her Mom here.

Usually when I hear someone use the term 'toxic relationship', I think either a crap love story is soon to follow or one about their stoner friends getting them into hanging around doing the burnout at the Hydrogen Bar, drinking cheap beer. Occasionally they include family and the shoddy threads that are passed off as family ties. And as an observer and as a participant, I have wondered what is it that makes the family ties endure even when they are proven to be bad for you?

For me it has been a question that has been on my mind for too many years to count, certainly since my early teens, of what makes the bond of family so special that for offenses that would get another person shunned that a family member can remain in our lives and in position to commit fail again.

My sister's visit reminded me of all the hope that I once had for our relationship and why it was never to be. She is still as thoughtless and clumsy with her words as ever. Her compliments regarding my influence and whatever her fiance has heard about me would be undone by her continuing to open her mouth.

Being in the moment, I smiled and did my nod and stayed in the shallow end of the pool. But I also decided that I would not be walking her down the aisle. Didn't tell her, but I told myself to 'f*ck her', and count on my disappearing from view.

A piece of advice that I read that says to, "frame every disaster with the words: 'In five years will this still matter?' ", means that the disasters she was a part of doesn't pass that litmus test. In fact, none of my sisters' could pass that test. Nor could my Mother. And so...

No, I haven't been 'holding on' to anything as much as I have dealt with things to the best of my ability. I have not felt bad at the holes that have appeared in my life where I have dropped through and fallen into a pit. I have never allowed myself to question the fairness or whether something was right or wrong. Stuff happened and I would begin to deal.

If the past is truly the past and there is nothing to be done about it, they why should I set myself for encore performances by people who did not add to my life, certainly not as much as their appearance in it would end up taking away from it.

Yeah, there is some bitterness... no, that isn't true. There is A LOT of bitterness towards the consequences that led to some of my self-inflected wounds. There are other sets of finger prints on the tools that I have mutilated myself with and that makes me frustrated.

Listening to my sister run her mouth, I asked myself whether or not I was indebted to her for anything. The things she said ... perhaps she would have shared them with her beau at another time and place, but for her to assume that I would be comfortable talking about things of that nature with anyone, should not have happened in the venue where they were happening.

When I finally do get settled, whether in Plymouth (another little town that I really like) or out in Nebraska (as appears likely), I no longer wish to stay in contact with them. In my mind it isn't tragic or sad as it is what needs to be done. I'd ask if I meant anything to her or any of her sisters... why couldn't they have shown it?

Damn, this is getting circular. What I don't want is for anyone to think that it is a sad thing to hear. It isn't. I mean, if someone is toxic for you or have been a toxin to you, what is there to miss or mourn?