Saturday, April 24, 2010



A week. I have only been here a week and it feels that months have passed, so much has occured. Really when I look at things, it isn't the number changes that is overwhelming but the size of them.

From feeling desultory and having the gnawing sensation of being escorted around the office and having to clean out my desk, to being on a forced march through uncertain territory to right now, there have been some heavy emotions clattering around in my head.

Maybe I should drink some of this stuff away... I don't drive and I can find a spot to sleep off whatever I drink. But I'd also be limited to the house as well. Walking down the street with my vertigo being accentuated by the alcohol is asking for trouble.

Let's get right into it, shall we? All of these incidents occurs on the back drop of my split with the SFC. We have still been talking and texting. I am still on her phone plan and it is a local call for us as well as rates for our texting.

I can't say that I didn't have experience with trying to turn a friendship into a personal relationship before this go in Virginia. The Fly Skimmie and I also gave it a go and it crashed and burned. Can't say that this one blew up on the launch pad as much as there were problems in orbit that caused the mission to be aborted. My feelings towards her have in some ways intensified. How is that possible?

A reason that I have come up with, is that this was a fail that I bear the burden of of shouldering most of the 'blame'. Though in saying that, 'blame' isn't fair to either of us as to why it didn't work. It is more that it wasn't ever meant to be and that is truly that with that.

What will be interesting to see, is what becomes of our friendship from here. I have lived an odd life, one without any real friendship, none that I will say that have the 'tangibility' that comes to mind when you think of in a friendship. There are people who I like and who I feel for the way that I do without concern if someone else has the same kind of feeling towards me.

This is not going to be a time where I can hide behind someone lack of reciprocation as shield for letting a friendship drift apart. My girl isn't cut like that. Unfortunately, I may be.

I want to go to Nebraska for the same reason someone in Nebraska may want to go to Los Angeles or New York or Chicago. That was part of why I didn't find my level in Virginia. Another contributing factor to my uncomfortableness is that I have prior experience that left memories that I couldn't wash away. Then there were other memories that were there, memories that I had to face every day that I wanted to leave well behind me. As it is, that's is NOT going to happen. But to have to be forced to face them with the kind of intensity as I would have had to, was something I did not want to ask myself to do. Easier to ask myself to get off the bus in Juarez and with a DEA badge in hand than to deal with my 'whatever' that I want to put out of mind.

Despite my remorse at the loss of our partnership, the idea of really becoming a long distance friend with her comes with another set of complications for me.


Guess who shot me an email the day I landed in Detroit... SD!! She replied from the last email I sent her... back New Year's of '09!! When I saw her address in my inbox, I almost deleted it straight away. She didn't find the resolve to respond to me wishing her a happy New Year... so why should I read what she had to say.

Needless to say, I did open it up and read it. It was a 'bait note', one of those things that women do to cause enough conflict to maybe draw a response. Unfortunately, I took it and when I get through all of this you will see what makes it 'unfortunate'.

But it is a bigger concept than can be covered in one entry. What I will say is that it is no exhaustive review to be made of the conclusion that I will reach. 'You reap what you sow' is how the story goes and that is that with that. At some point you will have to harvest your crops and if you have planted crap you can't expect to take prize winners to the State Fair.

SD did and I SPECIFICALLY WARNED HER about what she was doing and the potential pitfalls of her path. When it comes to her... I think this video does most of the talking for me. Because I already know how I feel about her and her situation.


mrs. miss alaineus said...

mark take it easy k.. have you started bike riding yet?


Beth said...

I think this is going to be an intense time of introspection for you. I know you will come out the other side with new insights as to yourself and life in general. Hang tough...although I know you always do. Hugs, Beth

That corgi :) said...

just take your time with adjustments back, Mark; its been an interesting few months for you and like I said before, I think you need time to decompress and sort through things and write them down like you are doing. be safe! definitely avoid the alcohol and bike riding for sure!


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Sounds like a tough time, hope the path becomes clear soon.

Aurora said...

I'm too out of the loop. I really don't understand what you are talking about/am missing part of the story - I probably need some history of each situation in more specific detail to understand it better! The people who have followed yopu longer probably know EXACTLY what's going on!

Just wanted to come by and say hello and send you good wishes. Will be back:)

Why have you made the choice up to now not to have real/tangible friendships?

You reap what you sow is most definitely true.

Judith Ellis said...

Is the cat's meow singular?

Kelly said...

Whatever you're going through, hang in there and be kind to yourself.


LceeL said...

Listen, if you ever get to Chicago, you be sure to let me know you're coming. Or that you're here.

Just leave a comment on any post - I constantly watch my email - I'll be happy to forward you my phone number.

LceeL said...

What happened to "The Narrative"?