PRELUDE:

There are a couple of shows on MTV that I have started to catch. One is http://www.theburiedlife.com/, about these 4 twenty somethings who were inspired in part by this poem http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/arnold/writings/buriedlife.html.

The article that I saw a mention of the show for the first time was on AOL in a story while ago. One of the cats in the interview talked about the poem...

Matthew Arnold, the author, writes about the feeling of being out of touch with who you really are, which we could relate to. I think a lot of people feel that way sometimes. Our daily lives can become so monotonous that our real passions and desires get buried, or lost. It struck us that people were feeling the same way we were over 150 years ago, and we realized that this was bigger than us.

As I never thought anything I felt or experienced was unique, these guys have also realized pretty much what I have. I have tried to do as much as I can with living my life, questionable decisions and all, to avoid the feeling of living a 'buried life'. It also explains partially why I am in flux (another part can be put on my condition, but I am here to tell you that I won't cop to that). There is a life of mine that is having the systems shut down prematurely. Can't let that happen.

Another way cool show that I watch followed, http://www.mtv.com/shows/mylifeasliz/series.jhtml. Reading the shows summary, I first thought that how true was the series to 'real life', you know what I am saying?? All the previous 'teen angst' shows are chocked filled with beautiful people, geeks and non-geeks alike.

Then I thought back to my bud from back in jr high, with whom I connected thru Facebook and the pictures that he sent of his beautiful family in his Christmas card. I remember sitting on his porch and talking about the stuff that teen boys talked about... comics, video games, STAR TREK, and why the Latin teacher was such a douche. Oh, and when that elusive first date was going to happen!!

Looking at the picture in my mind of us 'then' and contrasting it with us 'now', is that for the most part we did turn out well. I have been in a slump of late... though the trending began early in the decade, the bottom didn't crash out until '04.

Anywho, the most recent episode had Liz Lee doing a talent contest at school. She didn't win but neither did her nemisis on the show, Cori (who once was best friends with Liz). And I thought that was a cool piece of writing. Another thing about the show that was cool but left me with a mix of emotions, was the narration device at the beginning of the episode.

It was Liz 'writing' a letter, with the words appearing on screen. The letter was pretty rote, once you have accepted the buy in to the plot. What got me about the letter was the signature line... Love & Rockets.

Love. &(because they used the ampersand). Rockets. Why did that strike me as familiar?

IT IS IN THE STYGIAN FOREST WHERE IS FOUND THE ONLY MOMENT WHERE YOU ARE ALONE

Too bad that I didn't have that book or story written and published already. Then that would have been 'mine' and no one could have claimed it without some sort of acknowlegement. But I don't know, because in mix music, so much is sampled and mashed together to where the aritist can make a claim that it is 'his' even though so much of it came from someone else.

What I will wonder is if the writer of the line did see it somewhere on the internet and thought it would fit in his life as well. Hey, it seems that is what I have been doing for most of my life, giving myself to people, providing them with inspiration and they get up and do something with 'it'.

It is also why as cool a scene it may have been, I never bothered people, the 'Charley's' of my life with what 'I coulda been...'. That they may have taken something from me and carried through with it means the question isn't about what I could have been or done. It is about when did the trending down begin. And whenever I have looked back at things, it begin at the entrance of another person, another soul, into my life.

'Suicide is Painless', is the theme for the show M*A*S*H. (And if readers would grant me poetic license, because I may be down, but I am not THAT down!!) Think about it for a moment and it is.

The physical pain doesn't have to be there. More importantly, neither does the mental pain. I mean, if someone was there watching you do the deed, you could see the almost instant anguish and loss in their eyes... this includes most anyone, much less someone who knows and cares for you. It is a human thing that comes up instinctively. The sense of loss as death suddenly intrudes on life.

If you are really going to do it, you don't need anyone to watch. Whatever has pushed you to that precipice can't be embodied in one act or deed. Its weight can't be placed upon any one person. Again, the point being if you are going to do it, it is going to be up to you.

Flipping it over, the same can be said of success. My Best Sister aims to get married in November and wants ME to walk her down the aisle, along with our Father. Her rationale being that 'I was there for her when she was younger and needed someone... and Dad was there for her as she became an adult.' Okay, that sounds about right.

It is neat that she is going into the field that when I was in high school, I would talk about 'creating' (other than the aerobic duo of Dick (Richard Simmons) and Jane (Fonda) weren't too many well know folks espousing the approach that I take) constantly putting into practice as far as training methods and methodology. Though she didn't start off at Western studying in fitness, she came back to where she 'knew where she was'.

*sigh* So instead of asking 'Charley' why he couldn't have looked out for me a little better, I am left with asking myself, why I didn't take care of me a little better, looked out just for me a little bit. And that is what really hurts. The paradox that I find in the beginning of hypocrisy, has been 'who is the hypocrite?'

That is a question that is I will never find the answer to... that is unless I make one. And I have.

All this whining is getting on my nerves. It is strange having all these feelings... that perhaps I should get more into doing something about them.

Until next time.

Love & Rockets!
Mark