Tuesday, February 9, 2010



And it has gotten to the point where I am numb to the snowfall that is drifting out of the sky now. It really has been statistically the heaviest snowfall I have ever lived thru. There hasn't been snow like this in these parts for over 130 years. Seeing how bad the last few winters were in Michigan, compared to what I moved into, I picked a bad time for relocation. Like Steve McCluskey who picked a bad time to quit all of his vices in the movie 'Airplane!', I guess I picked a bad time to move here, weatherwise.

It hasn't been quite as bad as being stranded in the Overlook, but man, I haven't thought of doing much of ANYTHING this week. Moved a few tons of wet heavy snow and kept myself on the inside. Did have an appointment that I got rescheduled for 'when they'll let me know', with the DHS.

The Super Bowl went back to being a tedious affair for me. The Saints won and they did go out and win the game more than the Colts lost it. Gonna have your grumblings about Peyton Manning and his not being a winner, but Roger Staubauch is considered as big a winner at quarterback, and he lost more than a few shots at winning Super Bowls. Different time and a different kind of news cycle.


Back when I decided to terminate my stay in the 'provencial town that I jogged 'round' with Mookie Dee and I was considering heading out west, I expected that I would finally get the opportunity be to myself and get to my 'making plans for Nigel' roots.

I've bitched and moaned about my troubles for some time now. But you see, after growing out of the disenchament of my youth, I figured out there was a reason for my angst, or a lot of it.

People. Wasn't that I didn't like people nor was it an excessive concern about why they didn't like me. It was more of the pressure that exists because it makes you feel isolated for being comfortable with your own solitiude.

When I read back over my entries here for the new year, I 'hear' the plantive mewling that people who think that they are owed something from somewhere have convinced themselves of. I don't think I am owed anything. Period.

Like Nigel in the song, all I wanted was all I wanted. That I haven't gotten 'it' yet doesn't mean that it is denied me. Means that I haven't done what is required of me to make 'it', happen.

Revisiting the whole 'darkhorse' thing, what I should have made sure that I UNDERSTOOD was it wasn't going to be as simple as something coming in from the outside that was going to save me from myself. I had hoped to create a definition for the unavoidable friction that occurs when you move from 'here' to 'there'. But I did not fully take into account of what friction does.

'Friction' is what resists the motion of a moving object. 'The darkhorse' was my
conceptual misunderstanding of friction as it acts in my life. Most of the friction I have experienced has been whenever there is an intimacy to a relationship in my life.

Hangin' out with AKA was a 'test run' for me. A person that I had a relationship with and whose orbit was far enough from me that their gravity did not act on mine. When she lost her mind when I begin my move here, it proved a theory I have about people and their true intentions.

People will tell you that you shouldn't be alone... and I would say that they are mistaking 'alone' for 'lonely'. It has been a long time since I have been 'lonely'. The only time I can remember being lonely, is in situations were there is supposed to be someone who is 'there' in my life.

This isn't a reaction to the whole 'not having a date for the prom' kind of thing... because I don't remember ever really wanting that or dates on Saturday night. I mean, it didn't happen and I didn't really miss anything crucial.


Sitting here trying to get what is going thru my mind out is getting frustrating. I know that I am feeling something... but I haven't been able to grasp it and throw it down.


LceeL said...

I know what you mean, man. I call that 'feeling', "Waiting for the other shoe to drop." Because you know something's in there - you know something's coming - you just don't know what.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

When you get it figured out, know we are here for you.

That corgi :) said...

Mark, feel for you; that was a lot of snow to get exposed to in your first few months at your new location. I'm sure it is harder too since (I think) you are struggling with lots of things and the weather is not helping at all.

I hope you can grasp that feeling soon Mark; because I'm thinking that might help you then start working on dealing with it and feeling less frustrated about things.....

do take care of yourself


Tawnya said...

I was thinking about you when I saw all the snow there! It is just getting to cover the ground here in Michigan, or rather it finally did last night. Snow is rather pretty for the first five minutes then not so much.... Miss you lots, hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Its like we create friction when we are not being authentic to our underlying feelings.

Our thoughts block us from experiencing the moment as if they were a barrier to our hearts. They hijack our senses and shelve a potential experience that could have allowed us to soar to new heights. We want to and crave to resonate with what truly matters deep within. If we don't, then we are truly walking around as if we were asleep waiting for the opportunity to open our eyes. However, there is no waiting, because now is the only time to respond to the stimulus of the moment.

We are all winners when we see how we are connected instead of how we are divided.

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, you are always so encouraging to me with your comments in my blog. I hate to see you suffer in any way. Hang it there, my friend. I love the way you analyze your life but don't do what I do sometimes, overanalyze. You are a good guy and you deserve a good life. Hugs to you.

Indigo said...

I crave my solitude time. The reason Paul and I work so well together is he gets it. I have long periods of not wanting to say a word.

Hard to imagine for someone who lives with silence. It has it's own depth of solitude, but it's the busy frenzied distractions I tend to remove myself from.

You seem on the cusp of some realization. My feelings are go with it...let yourself be what you will. No one needs to get you more than - you. (Hugs)Indigo

DB said...

Mark, I go with Natural Moments' comment. You sre slowly erasing some of the fictions we make up for ourselves about why we do the things we do. Solitude is a good place to do that. Facing the mirror is hard but not as hard as facing the bright, glsring light of someone whom we think we need.

"Snowed in" is a metaphor.


MacBug said...

Mark: I'm going to echo a few comments here. 1st your comments keep me going, helping me know there's at least one perosn listening to my insane rants, and helping me grow in my writing.
2nd: You do sound like your on the cusp of something. Deep introspection, if you remember to get out of your head sometimes, is GOOD! You're doing great getting out everything you can.

AND as someone unused to snow, I totally dig your feelings on it. At this point I'm used to it, but would very much like it to end.

Best of luck!

Beth said...

Loved the Airplane! and Overlook references. :)

I know I've got the winter blahs big time, and I know other people who do, too. I'm not sure if it's the overall rather toxic atmosphere in the country or what, but it's been a struggle for a lot of us. We'll get through it. L&R!