MORE SNOW ON THE WAY
And it has gotten to the point where I am numb to the snowfall that is drifting out of the sky now. It really has been statistically the heaviest snowfall I have ever lived thru. There hasn't been snow like this in these parts for over 130 years. Seeing how bad the last few winters were in Michigan, compared to what I moved into, I picked a bad time for relocation. Like Steve McCluskey who picked a bad time to quit all of his vices in the movie 'Airplane!', I guess I picked a bad time to move here, weatherwise.
It hasn't been quite as bad as being stranded in the Overlook, but man, I haven't thought of doing much of ANYTHING this week. Moved a few tons of wet heavy snow and kept myself on the inside. Did have an appointment that I got rescheduled for 'when they'll let me know', with the DHS.
The Super Bowl went back to being a tedious affair for me. The Saints won and they did go out and win the game more than the Colts lost it. Gonna have your grumblings about Peyton Manning and his not being a winner, but Roger Staubauch is considered as big a winner at quarterback, and he lost more than a few shots at winning Super Bowls. Different time and a different kind of news cycle.
THE HUMAN CONDITION
Back when I decided to terminate my stay in the 'provencial town that I jogged 'round' with Mookie Dee and I was considering heading out west, I expected that I would finally get the opportunity be to myself and get to my 'making plans for Nigel' roots.
I've bitched and moaned about my troubles for some time now. But you see, after growing out of the disenchament of my youth, I figured out there was a reason for my angst, or a lot of it.
People. Wasn't that I didn't like people nor was it an excessive concern about why they didn't like me. It was more of the pressure that exists because it makes you feel isolated for being comfortable with your own solitiude.
When I read back over my entries here for the new year, I 'hear' the plantive mewling that people who think that they are owed something from somewhere have convinced themselves of. I don't think I am owed anything. Period.
Like Nigel in the song, all I wanted was all I wanted. That I haven't gotten 'it' yet doesn't mean that it is denied me. Means that I haven't done what is required of me to make 'it', happen.
Revisiting the whole 'darkhorse' thing, what I should have made sure that I UNDERSTOOD was it wasn't going to be as simple as something coming in from the outside that was going to save me from myself. I had hoped to create a definition for the unavoidable friction that occurs when you move from 'here' to 'there'. But I did not fully take into account of what friction does.
'Friction' is what resists the motion of a moving object. 'The darkhorse' was my
conceptual misunderstanding of friction as it acts in my life. Most of the friction I have experienced has been whenever there is an intimacy to a relationship in my life.
Hangin' out with AKA was a 'test run' for me. A person that I had a relationship with and whose orbit was far enough from me that their gravity did not act on mine. When she lost her mind when I begin my move here, it proved a theory I have about people and their true intentions.
People will tell you that you shouldn't be alone... and I would say that they are mistaking 'alone' for 'lonely'. It has been a long time since I have been 'lonely'. The only time I can remember being lonely, is in situations were there is supposed to be someone who is 'there' in my life.
This isn't a reaction to the whole 'not having a date for the prom' kind of thing... because I don't remember ever really wanting that or dates on Saturday night. I mean, it didn't happen and I didn't really miss anything crucial.
SORRY, FOR SPILLING MY MILK
Sitting here trying to get what is going thru my mind out is getting frustrating. I know that I am feeling something... but I haven't been able to grasp it and throw it down.