WHEN KAFKA MET ORWELL

BRAZIL


When I first saw this movie was being directed by Terry Gilliam, of course I thought it was going to be a typical Flying Circus laugh riot. Instead of 'Life of Brian', I got one of the most dramatic presentions of a possible direction of our society, one that it is easy to belive it will eventually metastasize into.


Oddly, on Monday Glen Beck made a comment with his chalk board and with his silly props about how the job growth in the private sector is shrinking and the government is steadily growning. So it isn't that out of line to think that there will come a day where everyone is beholden to 'The State'.


Isn't that who Winston worked for, him and Julia both?


My dealings with the Department of Human Services have left me wanting. To put it bluntly, they are f*ckers... whoever 'they' are. Now the little girls who have to take my paperwork and pass it on to where it goes, are fine by me. But the process has been draining.


The waiting area is a United Nations of broken hopes and dreams. I always find it strange to see folks there with these fancy phones logging on Face Book ... but who am I to say what they should be spending whatever funds they have on something like that, though I would imagine there were more pressing needs for them to attend to.


While it is neater a building than the one on Schoolcraft that I was assigned to upstate, the look is familiar. Today, an elderly couple were there and I wondered what brought them there. It could be anything, food stamps or Medicaid. They had on clean, neat, cheap clothes. But the weariness in their eyes and the pride that leaked from their bodies were evident.


As I began to 'feel' for them, having been in their late teens-young adulthood in the sixties and living through all the intervening years and moods of those era's, to end up here for them must have...

"... wait a minute Cap'n. YOU ARE HERE, too. Don't recall this being OUR course heading, either," went a voice inside my head. And I agreed and kept my mind on my business. One of the major disappointments I have had here has been my inability to get everything with the DHS correctly completed. It has neared fiasco, and makes me upset at pretty much everything.

I have held a conceit that I can keep my wits about me and not let my troubles lap over and affect anyone other than myself. This calm and cool cat under pressure persona that I effect is the same side of my personality that had me walk into the ocean and nearly go washing into the tide!!

Standing in line to see the reception, a lady who shares the same first name as the SFC was talking to the cat in front of me. I spoke to her about the coincidence, then bowed out of their conversation.

Later after I had my number and everything, she came and sat next to me while I tried to fill out some stuff. She is disabled as well and like me, it isn't a disability that is immediately obvious. As she nattered on about the hassles of having to come to the DHS and how things aren't ever going to change regarding 'our' income and yadda, yadda, yadda, I felt a headache coming on.

Recently I read and entry about a blogger who has a son who has something going on, the result of a car accident. Some of the words she used to describe what he was going through and the changes in personality and in mood...

... were too damn familiar. And I could help but have my heart go out this time, because I have been living my life. The 'blowouts' I have had were due to my lack of judgement. It didn't seem fair that her son would have to walk this uncertain path, that changes from moment to moment.

Because each and every case is unique, the advice I would give that works for me, is just that, what works for me. There are a lot of skills that I have learned from my upbringing and by being mature that helps me out.

Like having the patience to not tell the lady who was sharing her grief with the system with me. As badly as I wanted to say, "Look lady, there isn't an Excedrin big enough to deal with this headache that I have, and all you are doing is aggravating it. Didn't you hear me when I said that 'I am disabled, too?' Just because I am not whining about what happens when there is no percocet available, doesn't mean I want to hear about it when you don't have your meds!"

AS USUAL, IT CAME DOWN TO ME

Whatever drives people to want to dump their emotional trash at my doorstep, I let them drop it off. I will go on and clean it up. But as to me...

Recently I was told that I only answered 60% of a person's questions about me. My first thought... "Hmm, 60% sounds a bit 'high'. Note to self, do a better job at concealing yourself!"

It isn't that I try to mislead people or anything. But there are some things that I never have gone into details because 'I was there'. Meaning, that good or generally bad, I had my own part and role to play. That is something that I examine and need to correct.

The guilt I carry is from the opportunity to have chosen a different path, but I didn't. And it wasn't that I was wholly unaware of the consequences... but I did not consider the reach of their impact. Had I done that...

... that is all I really do, sit up and ask myself 'why I didn't'. Some things like missing the Trials were a bit more out of my control. Yet I have never been able to pass off onto someone or something the responsiblity that was mine.

My head still hurts. Yes, the lights are off and I am going to try to lay down and sleep.