Thursday, January 7, 2010



Right now watching Texas flail away against Alabama, I considered my last post and what I am going thru right now.

I don't feel that my thoughts were clear. Maybe the emotions behind it were, but I struggled to get that out of me.

Man, I have been in some truly shitty spots before in my life. My stay in the provencial town I once jogged 'round, being one. And by 'spots' I mean periods of my life. And perhaps it is simply a coincidence but the reason that way the Emerson quote is interpreted by me and how I have generally assumed that it contrasts with that of the general public is this:

In my life, the 'entrance of another person' has meant the beginning of the crap for Mark and his goals. His life. His dreams. His EVERYTHING.

I bear the weight of Skye, KT, and Lexxie. My guilt and shame over leaving them without a permanent Father or the HOPES of having one is deep. With that said, I have begun to wonder about the 'why' of some things.

Finding an answer to 'how do I work this' is one of the things about 'the entrance of another' that has left me wondering ...


The few times that I mentioned that I wanted to go out west and be on my own, it was because for me, it is clear: whenever the concerns of other people have intersected with the concerns of my life and what is best for it, I have lost out. Not that there is any blame to it... though the 'Jew Bastid' who was my crap manager will get a lil' blame. But hey, when you dance with crap people, expect to have crap spilled on your clothes.

My relationship with Mookie Dee was emblematic of what I mean. I don't ring up the cost/benefit analysis or anything like that. I only know what it cost me and if it isn't enough, cool.

What I want is my life, simple and plain. One of the things that I hoped to claim was my goal and what I believe was meant for me. And that is something that I don't think I need to restate it (but I am sure it will come out, eventually).

The reason that it is so difficult to write or keep up with reading right now is that there is so much noise inside my head. I don't like talking about what makes me feel down for too long a time. It leads to misery and that is a rut that is hard to get out of. I could really kvetch about how I feel, but f*ck that (and that is EXACTLY what I mean too).

I am glad that the President took the heat off the front line people when it came to the botched terror attempt against the flight from Amsterdam. He made the people who needed to have the heat put on them, take the rap.

See, I AM doing more than feeling sorry for myself!

p.s. yes, that IS what I am sippin'... with two cubes in cocktail glass!


mrs. miss alaineus said...

i think you *should* keep writing about your shadow times for precisely all the reasons you stated in your entry.

cherry blossoms may not equate with perfect textbook happy ending.

they will greet a wiser and more self-actualized you because you are willing to be more open about the bad as well as the good.

that's the path to that healing place mark, and sometimes you just have to get it out. i spent some dark years in some dark places because i had lost the ability to TALK about what was really going on. i would never wish that hell on anyone else.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I agree with alaina, keep writing a bit at a time, and listing to one voice at a time, and soon it will start to make more sense. You know we are here for you :o)

Beth said...

Ditto. Keep writing. It has also gotten me through some dark spots. Never hesitate to drop a line or call, either. Hugs, Beth

MacBug said...

"I don't like talking about what makes me feel down for too long a time"


Mark. Writing your pain helps bleed it out. You don't have to put it up here for all of us to read. But put it somewhere. IT's allright to hurt. It's allright to want to blame someone else. It's allright to want to do the right thing for yourself. You're allowed to hurt. :)