Wednesday, December 9, 2009

LIVING THROUGH THIS

AT JELLYSTONE ...

"You aren't one of the average bears."

That is what the lady who does the admin for the fitness center said the other morning when I went to get a session in. By that she meant that the athletic cut of my physique, along with how I moved around the gym suggested that I had 'been something'.

I told her that I boxed ... and instantly regretted it. When I was setting sights to go west, I had told Nebraska that she shouldn't tell anyone that I boxed. That part of my life was over with. And here I was, telling the first person who asked anything about me what I was. She asked if I had any pictures as she was planning a board to show members doing some of the things that they were doing with their training.

Her request blew threw the hallways of my mind. Really, why DON'T I have anything to show for my 'alleged accomplishments'? I mean, I don't have ANYTHING, no academic awards, not even the medals from the service. Nothing. Ooh, I bet there is a psychologist salivating at the chance to diagnosis that!!

Since it was early in my workout, it dulled the effects of it. I still had a good workout, but that thought has occupied my mind. Why didn't I keep anything, take better care of the objects that meant something to me, because some of that missing stuff, well, it means the most to me now.

Though I am not as good a wordsmith as
the gals who run this journal here, I think I do pretty alright. I can get across what I want folks to know. Also, I think that my energy comes out in my writing as it does in person. The reason that I am not shy, is because I am not scared. When it comes to meeting people and groups, I don't have a problem with getting right on into the middle of the whole thing. It is fair to say that I am analytical, isn't it?

Well, before I get too far off the course, having to think about what I once was and not having any evidence to show that I was that, I began to think about how that came to be. One of the things that I picked up was that I have been happy that things were 'this' instead of 'that', no matter what the circumstance was. Is that always a good thing, to accept what you have and being grateful for the things you have? I guess. I mean,
I totally get this woman's perspective, but was I supposed to have this in me when I should have been going about the business of making a life? That is something I have often wondered about. 'Now' is one of those times.

SD CALLED ME A 'CAD'

And I shrugged it off.

Not because I agreed or anything like that. It was her opinion of me and whatever she thought we had together. Just like when AKA blew me up on Facebook. The reason that it doesn't matter to me, is that they knew the deal from the giddy-up. And here is my obligatory 'Tiger' reference. Of all the characters who didn't know their lines, Tiger was the one who acted like he didn't know his! That is what makes me wonder if his Pops had been around to 'coach him up', would he have still made the blunders that he did?

One of the reasons that I adopted that as a touchstone, is that I had grown weary of not knowing what I was getting MYSELF into. It was an extension of my self-reflection, because no matter how good someone made something seem, I still had a choice and a sense of what is right and wrong. There were no guns to my head as I made less than good decisions ... and I don't think that many people have them when they choose poorly.

It makes me think of what drowning may be like, seeing life around you in its various forms and having it slipping away from you. That is what makes it so tough to save a person in danger of drowning. The help may be enough to save a person, but they are so desperate and clawing for life that it often a risk for the would-be rescuer. Every choice that is made by the person drowning is an attempt to make something better, but they don't know how.

When I was walking into the ocean, the first thing that came to mind was not panicking. I am really, really good at that, the not panicking part. Some of what my best sister said in her note was a nod to that quality of mine. See, for quite some time now, I have been doing that. Not panicking when stuff hits the fan. ESPECIALLY when stuff hits the fan.

I SUGGEST THAT YOU PICK UP A WEAPON AND STAND A POST...

And I never griped about it. Go on and let me do whatever it is that I am going to do. Because if YOU were going to do it, then it would have already been done. It won't matter if you acknowledge it or not, just go the heck on and get into it.

I don't know how many times the episode at my Dad's with the CO2 alarm going off and me taking action has played out in my life resulting in me getting 'had' in the end. I don't let people whine over their troubles with the choices that they made, because no one has ever let me have such a luxury, if doing something as pitiful as that could be called a 'luxury'.

Gotta get back into it. Dust yourself off, and don't you dare back away. You brought yourself to whatever it is... YOU. So fix it. But every so often and I do mean with the relative frequency of Hailey's comet crossing in a person's lifetime, there are times you can take the thread and trace it back to where it first begins to unravel.

With the other threads all strewn about, what do you do? It is beyond repair... how do you get any effective use of a life like that?

4 comments:

DB said...

Yo Big Mark. I think life is a forward thing. I don't know how many times someone asked me what I did and when I named a show they didn't see it. How can I prove anything? And why should I? I have a box full of bits and pieces of my career,. including photos. Why do I ssve them?

I've given up thinking that I will ever have the chance to do any serious repair work on the past. Certain things become less important as other things become more important.

DB

Cathy said...

You seem to hold many things close to your most tender of places, inside where you can visit and nourish them. Memories of past insults to our psyche can remain barriers to moving on, or dissipate into the air. I'm gratified to see you've chosen the latter - but such a sensitive heart should have better protection! Btw, "pretty alright" doesn't even come close - you've been damn excellent.

Myra said...

Things are just things...they come and go. For you to say you have nothing to show for your accomplishments...not so! You have your self respect, you know who you are, and your words are yours, you own them...that, my friend, is a HUGE accomplishment...it isn't "tangible" per se...you touch others, not many people can own that!

Ken Riches said...

Not panicing is a key to being able to keep moving forward. If we panic, we freeze, and then we either stand still, or run.