EVRYONE WHO PRETENDED TO LIKE ME IS GONE

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today there is more drama from Florida regarding Tiger Woods. I am watching 'Dogs 101' and not keeping up with the 'more of the same' updates on his situation. What I wonder is, if his father passing affected his development as a man, to where he became more vulnerable to this kind of behavior?

I say that because I never intended to have lived the relationship life that I did. Going back to my days when I got home from the service, I could have not worked out of the 'run 'n shoot' if ...

... anywho, the industry that has sprung up to feed the public's appetite for tabloid drama has begun establishing a 'sex addiction' case for him. Whatever. I will stick to wondering what would have happened had his Dad been around a little longer.

Though as for that, I also wonder if Tiger was chafing at his upbringing. Much has been said of how he was a little boy doing tricks on 'Mike Douglas'. I know that father/son relationships involving sports have a track record for bad smash ups. Living a regimented life that was chosen for you as much as it is an outgrowth of your own individual skills, would create a pressure on a person. And as we all know, pressure burst pipes ...

... I am not going to pile on, even if he cops to the handy 'sex addict' excuse. That is more because I see a cat who is like 'Howard The Duck', trapped in a world that he never made'. You have to wonder if he would have been allowed to simply be freakin' 'Eldrick', would he have had the character to do what he did with all those different women?

Because I have wondered what I would have been if there was a little more structure in my life growing up...

IT'S ALL I CAN DO

You aren't guaranteed a 'do over' in life. But you do get a 'next time', if you have your ears to the ground and mind open.

'Walking down this dirt road' that I want to call my life's path, this song by the Walkmen has the right feel for my emotional state. And the accompanying video as well...

It is a matter of some pride, I guess, that I have been willing to attempt challenging things in my life. Don't know if they can be viewed as 'challenges' to anyone other than me, but what should you call something that you have to work towards to accomplish? That was at the heart of all of this theme for my current choice in course at the beginning. Why I had wanted to know what I had left behind makes sense. Ties in nicely with the 'what if' theme of the past decade for me.

ALL THE YEARS KEEP ROLLING ... THE DECADES FLYING BY ...

But ... The days are long...

Clearly, I have not had enough triumph to be sitting in the place of one my multiple major setbacks. What little I have tasted of victory, I have readily shared. My best sister sent me a note about her struggles ... I will find for her the words she needs to hear at this time to send her. Again.

That cat who went on with his life ... I wonder if I did really influence him and his career choice along with his boxing and I can say he is 'walking in my shoes'. I don't think that for one second that he walked down a primrose path. And unlike the seed I planted wondering about Tiger today, his father trained him from a junior boxer until his talent out grew Dad's ability to harness and he let him go on to be his own man.

He may have very well managed to do what he did, without our talks.

AM I WHO I THOUGHT THAT I AM ..?

Being the oldest, I have often felt like I was on an island whenever I had a personal crisis. That is part of why my journal is on line ... to hopefully find folks to talk with and because it is easier for me to type than it is for me to write.

Oh, you know I'd never leave you

No matter how hard I try

You know I'd never leave you

And that's just how it is

So I figured if that was my attitude then when paths would seperate, that was simply how it is. I'd never call on anyone for anything that I may have thought I did for them or on their behalf. Ain't that what 'benefiace' is about? Let me do what I can because I can, not because one day you are going to do something for me.

That isn't why I didn't take that training gig with that kid ... that he was doing me a favor. I didn't want to have him beat me up and be able to demonstrate that he was a better boxer!

I am thinking that if I liked more accessible music, then the song and their relationship to whatever I am feeling or talking about would be a lot clearer, dontcha think? The point isn't to be as different from some of the Pop/R&B/Rap stuff (he repeats yet again) that many folks find themselves identifying with, but to spark the images in the mind and have the small motes of lint and thread swirl together and become something.

I don't like when someone tells me what I should be feeling when I listen to their song. Never have.

SO I AM THE RABBIT

Struck by life with its color spilling out over the field. That is how I feel and Virginia reminds me of that, at least the NOVA part of it does.

There is absolutely nothing that could change that, nothing at all. I once left in a journal, a comment about 'not letting the hope mix with the disappointment'. Not that I know how, but I do think you have to be able to do that in order to move on. That includes the biggest disappointments and failures. Got to get up and get back into it.

By moving on and continuing forward I have managed to overcome a lot of my own 'let downs'. But if I could ask of life, I'd wonder how did it come that I would be the kind of person that let that light on in their heart, so that there would always be a place in it for someone? What is that about??

Dag ... I am writing to be writing, I guess. I have been going back and forth listening to my cd, the title of which is the header for this entry (and a way cool song, and could easily fit in here) and this ...

... because it is where I am.