MUSIC STILL ON MY MIND!
No, yesterday's song wasn't supposed to make sense. Prolly should have subtitled it 'sensory overload', because that is what it did for me!! The look of the video was soo slick. The colors and the dancers, along with the cool, cool, hep cat walking around to a song with a good beat to dance to (as if I could dance!!), which is all you ask of a club song.
For instance, while the women in the video certainly rated high on the hormone gauge, I was sitting here wishing that I had the vision to orchestrate movements like that. That was something I always thought about doing, learning how to dance. My roomie in Greensboro used to say that I liked 'booty songs', with 'booty' being a euphemism for 'bad' (not 'bad' meaning good, but 'bad' meaning BAD!).
Like I would listen to the duo of 'Eerk & Jerk' and be smiling and laughing all the way from A&T!! He could not STAND that kind of stuff, that Miami bass sound that help spawn the Two Live Crew and Luke Skywalker. It would contrast to other bands that I liked that did rap, Tribe Called Quest, Redman ('Watch Yo' Nuggets' being a particular fave) and he'd really get me into KRS-One.
What can I say ... I like what I like!
Well, this entry's song is meant to go with the post I am about to make. Later this afternoon I will be making another run to the post office and shipping more junk out. There is a lot of feelings that are running through me, and these are just some of them.
A new reader to my journal, Beth left this comment recently. Since it is part of the 'noises in my head', I figured that would be part of what I talk with y'all about today. In regards to the 'being alone' part of my outlook, she said: "not having to worry about something that directly involved me"....wow. wow. I think we all feel like that at times, but I don't think Man should be alone. Its much much better to ahve osmeone by your side..and having thembe your friend, and a BEST friend at that?...thats the icing on the cake, my friend."
So, should man be alone? That is a question that I have asked myself thoughout my Dan Marino-like career at love, is it natural for man to be alone or not? Not wanting to go spelunking the depths of that question, let me say that I think that I COULD BE the cat who chills alone for however ticks are left on his clock.
SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER IN HIGH SCHOOL
Listening to this song, for many of us, those days weren't as good OR as bad as we may have made them out to be. I began to realize this myself in the Army, where me, the SFC and Jenny were all stationed. My whining about being the with all the other 'geeks' (the irony was my high school was a school full of them! that I could find the few who were still playing Dungeons & Dragons still amazes me ... should have been more of 'em!!) would soon be erased, cause me and Jenny started up. The SFC was already doing her thing, but we were always close. What has happened now, is that we see how 'close' we really are.
Still, that was when I decided to be a random cat, appearing to 'happen', but I always felt a part of something larger than myself. Or so the story went. For a little bit of time, there was a little bit of bad story writing going on. Because I call myself 'lucky' when the word I want to use is 'blessed', I feel that 'guardian angels' as Tee Jay called them, were all around me.
I never had to fire a weapon to defend myself, but several times in my life, I have missed situations where it would have been nice to have returned fire or had one on me just in case. There has been some crap stuff in my childhood that always happened to other children, and not me. But the one thing that DID happen to me, is that didn't fit in socially.
There is a reason that comes up in my entries ... and it leads to why going out west wasn't wholly dependant on a relationship but on me getting things together.
That self-alienated (so it seems in hindsight, which of course is perfect!) kid that is in me, feels that the highs of being in the company of others does NOT out measure the lows that come from the fail of the relationship OR the lulls. My last relationsip PROVED that.
The 53/47 split that it is now, being with someone vs. being alone is better than the two percent difference it was in the early spring of this year. And that spread is pretty wide considering it gave George H.W. Bush a 40 - 10 state victory over Michael Dukakis in '88.
THE FEELING OF UNEASINESS
My uncle Carl said about our doubts: "We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning." And some of the comments I have received have been examples of that. This is a huge move, something that is as big as the reckless choice to marry my now ex-wife.
One of the reasons I am able to implement the highlighted words in my life, is two fold. 1) I have it here in my 'Rules To Live By'. If you don't live by the rules that you have established for yourself, you are only cheating you. I can only hope that I did learn from my experience and have made the preparations that I needed to make.
2)The relief that I get from telling myself to throw in the towel is temporary ... like the fix from a Butter finger (what, did you think I was going to REALLY say heroin? Remember what AKA said in her Facebook burn about me an needles ..!), it is going to fade and I am going to be left with a hunger that is fueled by something yearning for something substantial.
So I am getting stuff and just sticking it in boxes and taping up stuff in all kinds of containers. It would be nice to have been more cost effiecent and been able to get together what I need and want, but there will be another time for that (because she doesn't want to settle in Va ... don't know where we will go from there, only know it will be together!).
Maybe I will resume the 'readers always write' entries, because one of the things this journal is about it the soliciting of good, sound advice. I would do it so that folks could see the impact their words and friendship had on me. We like to say things like, 'it takes a village', but do we really mean it? I know that I do, and I believe more than a few of y'all do as well!!