Thursday, July 23, 2009




No, I have not a clue to what is going on right now in my life. Had no idea that things were so fragile for me, but they are.

I have been running harder, trying to get faster and doing squats (back to the wall, slide down to your waist slow, up slightly slower if you don't have weights at home) in anticipation of the up and downs of the paths in Virginia.

But there has been a turn ...

I don't cry for myself. I will cry for you ... cry for the children that Sally Struthers and Pernell Roberts advocate for, but not cry for me. I do think that you would though, you know what I mean?

The 'no crying in boxing' is an extension of how I felt growing up. One of the perils of being the oldest is that there is no one to fight your neighborhood threats and schoolyard terrorists for you. Even as I would enjoy my minor successes, they seemed less celebrated than others.

Okay. I would deal with that, and move on. I don't need you to pat my back, and if I do, that isn't what I believe.

The reason that I am miffed right now, is that something that is minor, sent a tremor along the right fault lines. I find myself once again, putting away personal issues and demons that I would not have to deal with, because what set things in motion does not matter to me and my life.

Therefore, it should not matter to anyone else.

I laughed at the list, because outside of a few things that referenced her and our relationship, and some 'NC-17' stuff that you would have needed a 'security clearance' to hear, nothing out of sorts was said. So what was the problem?


And it makes me ask the question: Is this a journey about doing what is best for me, or doing what is best for a desire? Fine line, fine line.

One of the key issues I have, is that I believe that if I can establish an environment of my own making, that for sure I can makes my life happen. That it won't be easy, isn't a big thing to me. Making the attempt, that is the bigger thing. What would happen if I 'got hot' and things started falling into place? It isn't like it won't happen, because it does every day to people. In fact there have been a couple of times when I thought it happened to me.

But reasoning out why I admit to myself what and where I have screwed up, is how I don't blow up when I have to listen to people tell me what they have had to deal with. AKA, geez louise, CLEAN YOUR HOUSE!! I know it isn't as simple as all that, but I was willing at one time to help her work thru what she needs to, to help her live her life ...

... but that is a recurring theme in my life. I can help and inspire others, support them in their endeavors. Not to whine and moan, but I would ask, who is going to get my back? Help me deal with my issues??

I have not a problem with some odd duck picking at me. I expect that if I am walking thru the hood late at night, there is a chance some drama may pop off. But that is from strangers. I don't expect that when I am saving your life (as I did with my thieving nephew) that you are doing something to hurt me.

What hurts? Right now, everything.

The idea that I had, that people would know how far that I would go for them, so that I could expect them to be able to work outside of themselves for a moment for me, seemed to be a pretty good measuring stick. No one would have to extend themselves far ... just being WILLING to show up is enough for me.

I would ask anyone, when have they had to look for me, when something went down? If there was anything that I regret about AKA, is that she did nail it, I did let her confidence in me go for naught. The only thing I can reply with, is that she was never open enough with me, to where WE could work out things ... had she been, who knows?

There aren’t very many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business Leaders? Sports Figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we’re lucky if they don’t end up in prison! As usual, the hero business is up to me!”- Calvin and Hobbes

One of several strips that I clipped from a newspaper that I still have around. I am going to scrapbook this stuff, because if I have been keeping things like this for this long, I obviously want to hold on to them.

Since I have lived this strip several times over, most recently last week, I am left to wonder if this is really what it is going to be about for me? Walking around, putting in my efforts, what I call 'my two cents', only to have it valued as two cents?

You know what I think? I think not.

It is strange ... pushed myself to the brink of physical distress to help make a family with Mookie, and all I got was a T-shirt. Cool. Because even with the 'goes around, comes around' rationalization that I do, bottom line is that I should have gotten more.

What I do think is that what I offer is of greater value than the return I have gotten. Period.

Picked up my meds today. Funny thing about that, is that I have a weeks worth of pills in my case. Know what that means? It means that I have been 'operating out of rounds', with stuff that is only of indirect concern to me. The thing that IS of concern to me, I have allowed to slip by, trying to attend to other matters. Things that are of matters of importance to someone else. Whatever benefit having them settled outside of their personal importance to others, are to me, matters less if I am ... uh, DEAD.

*sigh* Stumbling out of the gate. Yeesh. Can I catch back up?


miss alaineus said...

the biggest lesson i had to learn in life is to not beat myself up for being good to people who would never be able to be good back to me.

you can't fault yourself for having feelings, however, you can't control how others react to them. remember that many times when people do what your AKA did, it is not against you so much as it is her projecting her own disappointment on with herself on you because it's always easier to make someone else be the 'bad guy' then to take personable responsibility, another life lesson learned hard.

this too shall pass. this is the essence of the nebraska concept as i understand it-- looking at your life square in the face and having the courage to stop blaming yourself for the things that didnt go as you had planned and then having the courage to start again rather then remain stuck in the could of, should of, would of land of the past.

y'all are light years ahead of her and her facebook slams.

be well.


a corgi said...

I like what Alaina said; I'm just sorry you are going through this, Mark; it should be a happier time for you without this drama


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I have your back, just shout out if you need me.