FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING ... UP BEFORE THE SUN
Media stuff that was on my mind ... the Henry Louis Gates episode is a case study at the arrogance of institutionalized racism. How dare the campus police department assume the stance that they were correct at arresting the LEGAL RESIDENT who was entering his own home.
THEN, for it to be a prominent African American, only encapsulates the feelings that many black people in America feel about their place in society. For me, there is no other reason than racism for the incident and it is inexcusable. From the initial phone call that summoned the police, to the escalating incident that has reached the President (don't kid yourself folks ... Dr. Gates is on that level as far as relevance, in the national salons) and the essential response to him was, 'Mind your business', is a slap in the face. Period.
It is from incidents like this, many, many of them away from the spotlight, that fuels the anger that boiled over into riots in Los Angeles, or the problems they had in Cincinnati a few years ago. Minorities, especially blacks, but also in general, know that it is still like that. I think it is a low level kind of evil that still lurks in American society, sorta like the evil that lurked in Derry. Unseen, it is hard to quantify, the only word to describe what was felt, was to call it, IT.
this is the essence of the nebraska concept as i understand it-- looking at your life square in the face and having the courage to stop blaming yourself for the things that didnt go as you had planned and then having the courage to start again rather then remain stuck in the could of, should of, would of land of the past.
Since I couldn't have said it better myself, I won't.
It is also why the split between being in a relationship and being by myself had gotten to such a close vote.
Been up since a quarter to five. Decided to ride out to the my fave grocery store, Meijer's out on Middlebelt. I wanted some stuff, and I figured with the light traffic to be there and back quickly with no worries.
Walking into the store, I sort of wandered around, as I only had the vague idea of what I really wanted. Started to think how much that I liked to wander until I remember what I am looking for, and I how the patience that I have shown with others, I can finally extend to myself.
I have spoken of how things are happening in synchronicity for me, for the first time in a long time. Being single, means that I get the opportunity to go on and be about myself, and 'get there when I get there'. Do things that I want to do and how I want to do them.
Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Something about having to deal with people and having to simultaneously deal with myself, is why I was looking forward to being alone. I didn't think that I would have to risk facing what is happening with me, what I have to face when I go outside, and then having to face what I have to when I get home, as I would have in a relationship.
Like I did with Mookie. Or AKA.
What ever nonsense that I wanted to think, and I know that I am nonsense, I would be able to think it. For instance, it made perfect sense to get up and ride out in the dark of the early morning hours to fetch oatmeal, cinnamon rolls and raisins, because that is what I wanted for my morning meal. It isn't here, so what am I going to do?
One of the things about what is going on with me, having 'Johnny Smith Dead Zones' is that someone would pick up on that, and try to get over on me. That is what the major issue is regarding my nephew. If that punk could pick up on my weaknesses, then what about someone who 'does that for a living' you know?
I expect that I can handle things, but I am under no illusions. Which is why I stood ready to go find a nice, one bedroom place, in a neat, slower but vibrant town, where I could do what I am going to do.
ONE FOR THE ROAD
So, me and my SFC talked. And we talked. And we talked.
I told her that whatever I have left, I am going to scoop it up and bet it all on us. No more buts, no more hesitancy. From this point on, her being happy with me, and my being happy with her, is our shared goal.
This is a piece by Kahlil Gibran, "On Marriage". For me, it defines the way a great marriage ( Why do we undersell our relationships by describing them as 'good' anyway? How would you define a 'great' relationship? If I walked down the aisle with you, and 40 years later, you are still there walking with me through the park, then that had BETTER been a great friggin' journey! Otherwise, what is the point??).
"But let there be spaces in your togetherness,And let the winds of the heavens dance between you." There is so much bitterness in people for again, their failings, that they want to be made whole by someone instead of through themselves. This is where I would substitute for 'hypocrisy' and insert 'trust' into the Emerson quote. For me, that is what it is about. The trust that I have in her and the trust that we have in each other.