ET TU, BRUTE

THE LEAK WAS FOUND

I got an email from an unexpected person, my one-time BFF. She took the step of including her phone number, so I dialed her straight away.


We caught up, dished a little about the company and since it is part of the Auto industry, she also had bad news for herself ... she was recently let go. Didn't get too much into that.


Told her about my various journeys and caught her up with Nebraska, the SFC and ...


...AKA.


After we hung up, something started whirring in my head, and a print out read SHE TOLD. See, when we worked together, we chatted about all things romantic. I told her exactly WHY me & AKA was never an official couple. Now, me and AKA haven't spoken, but she did send me an e-mail and in it contained lines that said that I violated her confidence in me ...


I remember scrunching up my face, because who would I have told other than folks that read my journal ... Alaina, Tawnya? Have YOU been randomly talking about someone you wouldn't know from a can of paint and only have the sketchiest of outline's of their character?


No, that is totally preposterous. But there is one, and ONLY one person who would know of AKA, at least through me. My BFF. She knew. And there is only one, tight degree of separation between my BFF and AKA.


That is what I get for thinking I could confide in someone. I know stuff about her that, well, now it HAS to go with me to the grave, but still, I'd never tell. So I suspect that she ran her mouth, and she didn't have to.



WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS ...

"If I get there before you do, I am obligated to bore a hole and pull you through. --unknown."

I got that from a journal that I occasionally muster up the courage to read about a wonderful woman who is certainly showing as much bravery and grace as more famous female warriors dealing with breast cancer.

While I had been too awed by her strength to nab that earlier, because I don't know if as screwed up as I am, that I qualified to say that about myself.

But AKA knows that for real, that she didn't have to call me out like that. In fact, her embarrassment over what got leaked is part of her problem. She is fooling herself and she suffers for it.

My BFF ... man, it hurts because I did everything I could, including going out of my way to pick her up ... she lived at 23rd and something, close to Livernois. I lived out near Palmer Park ... we WORKED in Southfield. And whatever she managed to share on gas, I took gladly and no complaints. Single mom with three girls, what was I going to do?

She had personal issues, I was a shoulder for her. She needed help at the house, there I was, lending a hand. All for a friend. Not that I was bangin' her or anything. Sure she was pretty, and I could see why everyone else was attracted to her, but she wasn't my type ...

...sounds familiar?

OKAY, OKAY

But remember, subjectively, it made PERFECT SENSE.

I wasn't worried about going to Nebraska, and having someone jack me up and keep my little stipend runnin'. It could have happened but I was willing to take that risk.

Because the risk of dealing with those I should be able to depend on ... man!

My sisters posted all day long on Face Book, never once saying anything about what was going on ... have I mentioned this? Not speaking to me while they were together, even though they were pretty much where I was going (or should I say 'am' ... I don't know anymore). So there you go with them. For two weeks, I made comments, sent mail ... and you know what I got? The same thing that Rocky thought he was going to get when before he fought Apollo Creed.

Look, I am SOOO full of getting screwed by those who should have my back. Not just because I would do whatever I have to for them, but that they should feel SOMETHING for a cat, I mean JEEZ!!

Going to Nebraska (THE PLACE!!) would have meant a fresh start for me. It would have meant a new environment, one that is not quite as unforgiving as Detroit can sometimes be. A fresh start and a clean slate. I think that I can do it ... make something of myself, somehow.

If, IF, I am on my own.

There have been times when I have been boring holes to pull someone through, that I have gotten stepped on, or hit by debris. And others, well I don't know because they walked their walk. All I can do is that hope that they took advantage of what I think I did to help them, and for them to go on and make the most of their opportunity.

I have always thought that some how, some day, I would find mine. It wouldn't be given to me, that I knew. Not only has nothing came my way easily, what little that did, I spent it foolishly. Again, yet another case of 'getting what you pay for'.

BUT SEE, NOW THAT I FLAT OUT HAVE ISSUES

Trying to actually muster up the 'screw the world' attitude necessary to tell the ones who are closest to me, where they can get off isn't something that is easy for me. But it is there, because I am having to sit, like a sensitive talk show host and listen and be empathetic ...

...as my boy Dres from Black Sheep used to say, "keep your problems to yourself kid, I got my own." People ask when are they going to get this, and when they are going to have that ... not only are they not related, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET IT!?!

With AKA, I didn't PMS about her getting the chance to go to Michigan ... I went to Renaissance High... so I had the POTENTIAL to do something with myself. I didn't, so there you freakin' go.

Could have done my time in the service ... but I didn't and my sister is. Hurrah! But am I going to bitch about it? Nope, cause if that was what I really wanted so bad, I had it in the palm of my hand ... so there you go!

My marriage, my boxing, school, whatever you want to pull out and whine about Mark, you had your shot and what did you do with it?? It all adds up to where you are, SO THERE YOU GO!!

Just like you can't ask someone to do something and then try to tell them how they should get it done, you can't cry about things, and not expect anyone else to be dealing with their stuff. You can say that almost all of us are fighting our battles ... all of us. So very few of us are fighting things like Christina, or any of the other folks you see in the charity lines. Drugs, infirmity, disease. I mean, if you were, and wanted to feel sorry for yourself, I not only understand, but I will let you.

"Yeah I was a salesman," swirls imaginary drink as he pauses. "Tough racket."

That is from that scene in Glenngarry Glenross that Alec Baldwin tears a new one out of the sales crew. That can be said about life ... so the big thing is, are you going to go out and take it? Take your life??

THAT'S is why I wanted to go to Nebraska. I mean, the agencies are there, the housing is there, friend or no friend, filling out the paperwork and giving the answers to the right people is something I HAD BETTER be able to do on my own.

I may have mentioned him before ... a top ten fighter who has his degree and got a couple of shots at the big time. When we would see each other in Carolina, I would talk with him about life and goals through boxing. To see him now, doing what I had conceived for myself ...

...bothers me.

Since I have found myself extended on narrow branches, risking falling from a height with no one to catch me, I simply figured that the crap I did, was coming around. While there may not be a statue of limitations on fate catching up with you, for me, I think that I am due for a change.

One of my own design. And yes Penelope, I am upset with myself.