Sunday, July 5, 2009

AFTER THE ECSTASY ... THE DISHES

THE ROAD NEVER ENDS

Feels a little strange, being from under a pressure that was unbeknownst to me, working on me. This freedom creates a different kind of burden, but a burden just the same.

I know that I owe a more in depth explanation to AKA. She will get it, and I will try to answer every question she has straight away. There can't be any anticipating what is on her mind, only that I won't shirk away from speaking with her. That is the least that I can do.

Nebraska, that is another matter. I was asked by the SFC if I still wanted to go to go there, which is fair enough. After all, when I went to sleep on June 1, I had spent at least a year of telling myself that is where I was going to go, despite (or was it in spite of them?) of the vagaries between my relationship with Nebraska, my friend, and I.

The past week and a half, I have jumped on mainly to update how things have been going. Haven't tried to do any reading, because I figured that the 15-20 minutes apart were enough, so I just spotted on for my own personal updates. We hadn't seen each other in 20 years, and we didn't know how MUCH we loved each other until now.

Unlike AKA, who I think is dimly aware of our space and why it hasn't been spanned, I don't think that Nebraska is that cognizant of what I feel were issues between us. Not that they are great, because it comes down essentially to one. There is another problem, but for me with the one, the other doesn't count. But because I am not in a place where any of that matters any more, what is it do I have to say?

The both of us, the SFC and I, have a long way to go, before we can get 'us' started. And once we've done that, a longer way still. The level of commitment is as high as our spirit, and we have put ourselves 'all in' with making our life together happen.

AS A GENERAL RULE

So I am going to get into a stereotype. Que sera. Perhaps it IS just me, just as my SFC draws the ire of strangers for no apparent reason (you would have had to have been there ... and even with THAT, I can't believe what I saw!!), for whom it seems that Sista Girls find a flaw in being sensitive to people to be grating.

But the 'storm brewed in a tea cup' about getting 'in country' to do what ever I needed to do, was unwarranted. That it sat, without apology, inconsiderate. That it also played such a HUGE part of my transitioning, unconscionable.

I am sure there are a few more 'un' things it was, but what bothered me the most, was that it felt assuming. Assuming that because I speak with flowered words, that I am weak. I had thought, since she knew me by my words and had the opportunity to be able to pick up my 'presence', that she would have known better. Apparently, I was mistaken.

Though I can't call exactly what was said when it first came up between us, for a long time I have thought that she saw me as a lightweight of a fashion. This is something that I find to be a common problem with black women, the kind of thing that the cat over at 'The Break Up Diaries' occasionally frets over. Yet, the reality is that it pales to what they have to deal with in relationships with Brothers, so I take it in stride as an occupational hazard.

And like a base jumper, I leap from wherever I am at, and it looks to the naked eye as an amazing feat of daring. What isn't taken into account is all the practice and preparation that went into making something like that happen, and for it to end with no harm done.

That blow up was 'it'. I wasn't going to worry about her, and had solved for her in the equation. As usual, 'the hero business was up to me'.

HAVE YOU PASSED THROUGH THIS NIGHT?



I wondered if she had ever made such a leap in her life. Didn't ask her for specifics, because how and why she did what she did wasn't important as it was that she should have understood the IMPORTANCE of getting the details right in such a stunt. Period. If there was something that left me with a question, then she had better simply answer it. There was no reason for her to be rude and uncivil, since I was putting my life in her hands. She doesn't see it as that way, but geez Louise, how could she have not?

Can we be honest here for a second?? I have suffered (gladly, and with no regrets) traumatic brain injury from boxing. There are a lot of things that can 'happen', from right now to some future that has yet to happen to me. I simply have chosen to deal and live as best as I can.

One of the things that concerned me the most with this diagnosis, was the character and personality change that comes with TBI. The wrestler Chris Benoit was sadly, one example. There are others in sports, too many to name, who suffer from varying degrees, one of whom is Merrill Hoge. I remember that he retired early from football, after suffering post concussion syndrome. He functions at a level so high, that you wouldn't know...

... unless you know. So you can see what I am aiming for.

I do believe that for me, so very much is going to depend on environment. Right now, it is a hand to mouth thing going on, and what can I say about it? It takes all of my power to keep myself first, and to be selfish for a little while. There are interest of mine to protect, and it happens that those interests are important to others ...

... and apparently not enough to Nebraska. She thought what she thought, and can be left to them. I wasn't saying that if we had a good friendship when I got there, for the sake of saying that. I meant it. If my moving to Nebraska didn't have the implication that doing something like that SHOULD have had on a person ...

DYING FOR EACH OTHER

That is something that Sista Girls misunderstand, and I guess women who have piss poor relationships do, period. They make choice based on superficial priorities, and find themselves over committed and over extended. They ability to love becomes distorted, and they can't function as partner, because they remain lost in the distorted shadows of friction, or what it is that happens when plans meet the reality that they are based upon.

It is as simple as the basic arithmetic you got in elementary school. For me to consider being a part of her life, moving to where she was at, wasn't enough for her, then too bad. And it isn't my fault that like Billy Munny when it comes to killin', that I am lucky in the places that I go. I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO NEBRASKA. The SFC, asked if I still wanted to go, to see whatever it was that I needed to see there. She understood that while I had wanted something to happen, the affinity was far more than the pursuit of someone.

Particularly the pursuit of someone who indicated that I was 'also recieving votes' in the Top Twenty Five of her life. I told her that I no longer had the desire to go, because the reason that I wanted to go, was that I thought it was where the road to my happiness was taking me. Now, I am at a fork ... and will save that road for another day.

Maybe she will pop in, and read this post. I don't know what will happen. I will email her, I guess, because her phone number was in the phone that I have lost. Want to let her know, that I am going in a new direction, but the goal for me is now in sight.

5 comments:

Beth said...

I'm glad you've changed the Nebraska plan. You can certainly visit there at some point, but perhaps as a quick stop on your way through to somewhere else. Glad you made it home safely! Hugs, Beth

a corgi said...

wise to let Nebraska know, Mark; I'm sure you will let her know with kind words and in a quick manner; I would think it would be better to hear it from you directly, via email, then read it on your journal (just my thought if I was getting news like this)

betty

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you made it home. Hope you have e-mail for N, you owe her at least that much.

DB said...

I agree with these folks and want to add that in the short run and the long run our lives are in our own hands all the time.

DB

Celeste said...

I, too am glad you changed your plan. I know it gave you a goal and that was something you needed to get your hinny moving! TBI is one reason why I am so against young children playing soccer. I know that most boxers suffer it to some degree.
It takes someone with a pure love and strength to stay in a relationship with someone that has a probable debilitating illness(TBI,asthma,Alzheimer,etc)