THAT WAS THE DATE EVERYTHING CHANGED
I think that I have taken some great notes as to how I feel this turn in my life has gone. But now that I have stuff 'out' of me, I don't know how much of it that I am going to go over. Perhaps if I was smug enough to consider this as a 'guide' of sorts, I would put all of what has been happening, what I have been experiencing, down. But I don't. This is a DIARY. Once I put something down somewhere, it is indeed up and out. I still remember a piece of advice that Russ gave me, more like an admonishment about 'thinking too much'. Trying to 'recover' all the good that this trip has brought into my life, and the why's and wherefore's, would be 'thinking too much' about how totally wonderful this has been.
The thinking that went into the 'Nebraska Concept' has brought me to this, thank you very much Anton Chigurha. From a concept, to an actualization.
When I land at Metro Airport tomorrow afternoon, I will be doing it as a whole human being, focused, living FOR something, working to make my life happen. Finally. I don't know how much 'doubt' I had when I boarded the plane to come here ... I never recall getting 'the jimmy legs' or anything like that. If you let me tell it, I never get nervous, like Pervis Ellison! I was ready for this to happen!!
WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN
Even in the dimming light of my last relationship, I always thought that for me something better was ahead. In fact, that is the reason that I was being moved from one place to the other, to get better 'reception', so that what was going to happen next, I would be able to recieve the instruction needed to get 'here'.
The day at the beach had so much in the way of symbolism in it. From the old, of going over familiar ground, to a place that I had been to before. And the new, finally getting the chance to share it with someone I love completely, to the unexpected, which was my heedlessness in walking in literally over my head into the water. Then to have her, the SFC, coming out to bring me back from what was an uncertain place, in the water, as she is doing in my life ...
We have been out hitting the road during the time we have spent together. It was something that she wanted to do with me. Other than PT in the service, occasionally in a boxing training camp, I never had anyone work out with me, much less WANT to do it. But she has looked forward to being able to 'hit the road' with me, and we have.
There is this steep hill, a very good challenge for a fitness routine, that she introduced me to. The first day, I did it once and we kept on. The next time we hit the hill, on a day that we push our run, and I had said that I would do some 'extra work' on the hill, climbing it twice at the beginning as well as at the end of our run.
The first part went just fine. So did the body of the run. At her urging, I went off on the way back at my normal cadence, leaving her to face the hill.
First time up, not a problem. But I was definitely feeling it. Going up, I was thinking that there wouldn't be a problem in calling it a day, letting gravity pull me down, and that being that with that. That left me feeling a little unsatisfied, as if the hill had 'beat' me. I knew that I would make the climb up a second time, as I had planned. But as I considered how that second time up was a metaphor for me, and how I see my life, full of struggle all alone, often not for my benefit, I wondered when would that change for me.
A big part of why I am not going to Nebraska, why I am no longer in the provencial town with the Mooks', is that in both cases, no one saw me as a part of their 'best interests', on the same plane as I did them in my life. Not the same way, but with shared interest. As I came down, the SFC had reached the hill, and was beginning her way up.
I had already decided to climb up again ... I would have struggled and gasped my way up by myself. That was now a moot point, because I had my friend and partner to walk with me. Laughing and talking as we climbed up the hill, I could feel my burden lighten, the weight of chains falling away.
My heart has finally found its home.