Tuesday, June 23, 2009

TODAY MY HEART SWINGS

THE SUMMER OF '07

One of the things that I would like to think is happening, is that someone reading this, who NEEDS to read this, realizes that life IS a journey and nothing happens overnight. Often, things change and morph into something else, even when you have stayed on the path that you have sought out and think is best one for you.

I had been feeling tremors in my life in the summer of that year. Steve Harvey's book (which is actually a very good read and I will buy it ... can add to a good relationship IMO, and guide a person male or female, to being a better partner and potential partner, if so desired) he mentions what would happen if the woman holds back on 'the cookie'. That is going to cause the man to 'seek some out'.

*BIG SIGH* Since I already knew that from experience, I figured I would try to see if I could ride this out, like so many women have to in order to maintain their relationships. Not wondering if the relationship was bad or good, but this was something that I had to find out for myself.

KT had an okay visit ... and of course in August my darling brother went on to better things. I happened on to 'Our Love To Admire' at a book store in Okemos. I wasn't even aware that the lads had a new release out. I picked it up straight away and bought it.

I was so out of sorts, that I couldn't sleep comfortably with Mookie. She sleeps with a fan on, acting as a white noise machine. I mainly sleep uncovered, with a sheet over my feet, if anything. The breeze created by the fan kept me up, among other things.

The fact that we weren't having sex was up in the 'top half' of the reasons as well.

So often, I would be in the basement of the town home, playing PS 2, NCAA Football '06. Oh, I do have the updates, but I still play '06. So I would be doing that and listening to the BBC on WUOM until the Mook's were up and it was time for breakfast.

One morning, shortly after I purchased it, I played my new Interpol cd.

HOW ARE THINGS ON THE WEST COAST?

As the United States expanded across the North American continent, the definition of 'west' changed and expanded with it.

The University of Michigan fight song, 'the Victors', which Alaina could second, would indicate how 'the west' was an idea that changed as the country grew. The state of Nebraska was once considered 'the west' as well. Though I may have imagined it, I recall movies and shows referring to the territories out that way as 'west'. And if I made it all up, then that is what I did!!

And in my mind, was born 'The Nebraska Concept'. Mookie had quit on the relationship, and intel on her previous relationships indicated fail in the manner that ours was sinking in. I would get into my 'gotta get back into this thing' scramble, because you just don't know, if it could turn ... but I wasn't going to become part of the problem. She was going to have to own all of that.

I would pop out, and occasionally catch Nebraska out there. I vented to her ... didn't really try to do any 'charm thing', that guys who are 'alledgedly' in a piss poor romance did. Because that wasn't going to be this movie.

Wasn't trying to fool her, Mookie, or most importantly, myself. I had to do things based on what I thought was best. It did not make dollars, so it didn't make sense for me to leave Mookie, who stopped loving me, for someone who had indicated clearly that she wouldn't.


Because I thought the ironic notion of asking 'How are things on the West Coast?', when speaking to Nebraska was yet another subversive way of letting her know that 'I got it'.

I never forgot that I was the one who was so into her, so into the chance to go out there and take a shot at her. And I also understood that as totally wonderful as I thought she was, that she could like, have cared less about me. And if it wasn't that bad, it certainly did not match what I felt for her.

In the way that only I could have, the song helped me figure out where I was going to go. As much as I liked Vegas, I didn't want to try to go there. AZ was still a possibility ... but I had met someone on line who reminded me of something that held my interest as a little boy ... and what is past is often prolouge.

So I would occasionally ask her, 'How are things on the West Coast?', much in the same fashion Keyser Souze tested out the dectective in 'The Usual Suspects'. Had she picked up on that ...

Well I've got a chance for a sweet safe life
said I've gotta dance; it moves into the night
Well I've got a plan with forward in my eyes
But today my heart swings

So as long as I knew what I was getting into, what I was going out there for, I was so totally fine with whatever she could have thought concerning me. This song is about some cat whose girl has left him to chase her dream life out west. Which is why, when after all that has gone into getting my mind and conscious around the notion, and with her emotional reaction to my unintendedly harmful comment, we fell out.


I was moving out there to find my life. I also understood that she was getting it together to go find hers. With me still in Nebraska. If I wasn't cool with moving there and making it my home, for me, I would have been foolish. The song kept me thinking that I would have to keep on with my life, without her in it at some point. That she wouldn't be the 'be all, end all' in the romance novels I would write in my head about us.

So I had been getting ready to 'do this' all on my own anyway. Always had been. The struggle, the challenges I would face, I was ready and down for all that, all on my lonely.

Little did I know, that was when 'everything changed'.

On Deck: One more song ..!

3 comments:

Mr.Mischief said...

Very cool post..I know it's a cheesy cliche, but it IS the journey, not the destination that matters..and anything worth having will take time, not everything in life can be instant..even brewed coffee tastes better than instant.. :)

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I like Interpol's sound :o)

Glad you became part of my journey.

miss alaineus said...

when you put the energy into just being rather than trying to make yourself fit into the mold of someone else's expectations, wonderful things happen.


xxalainaxx


ps i am glad you didnt go all the way out there, my worry was that you would of left and gotten taken advantage of somehow in the guise of something that wasnt all it was cracked up to be.