Tuesday, May 12, 2009

THERE IS SOMETHING OVER THE HILL

What is there, that spot on the horizon where the sky touches the Earth? I find myself staring out into the world whenever I happen upon a flat stretch of land with its view unspoiled with buildings and such.

Where am I going with this? Don't really know, but we will see.

I don't want people to think that I have hurt people more than I myself have been hurt. It is more than I remember my 'losses' more than I do my 'victories'. Remember more 'B' grades than I do my 'A' grades. Can tell you more about what I have done 'wrong' than what I have done 'right'.

For me, my 'Run 'n Shoot' days were good times. Hindsight being what it is, makes those times look different, but I am glad that I had them. I mean, if you want to condemn me for those times, then I got to wonder where is the love for the 'Era Of My Discontent', which lasted from jr. high until going to basic training at Ft. Jackson after graduating high school? I mean, there were some pretty crap things done to me then, and I liked to think I didn't visit any of those things on anyone else, definitely not intentionally if I have.

Now, my Jenny has been at crossroads of my life. From high school, when she was part of one of those cool cliques and I lusted from afar, to running into one another a million miles away from Detroit while we were both in the service, we have been running into each other in various times in our lives, not to differently that Forrest and his Jenny.

And she is a DIRECT LINK for two people in my life. My ex wife and to Tee Jay. Without Jenny, I never have either in my life, cut and dried, just a simple as that. As many coincidences that are in my life that links me to all three of them, the key component has been Jenny.

So I am reading a journal about someone who is trying to get beyond the hurt of losing his girlfriend. I feel for the cat, and wish that we could hang out, get a beer, take him chasin' skirts, let him beat me at video games (because while I play them, I don't play them competitively. Just to be company and talk trash), watch the NBA ... try to get him to watch hockey (for cripes sake!! Is there ANYTHING more compelling than the Caps - Pens series??), anything, anything other than sit there alone with his thoughts...

...about her.

He has to know that tomorrow the pain will lessen, that 'one day' will be here before you know it. He has to be able to buck up, and keep pressing on until he is free of the agony of the one who is not in his life.

THE PLACE WHERE I COME FROM

Like I said, when I was in the DPS, I gots no love from the girlies. That is why I can identify some with Howard on 'The Big Bang Theory'. I kept telling myself that I was what I THOUGHT I was, until I became it. Didn't work all the way out, but I do like what I have become.

Haven't completely overcome that, for lack of a better word, insecurity. Won't let it stop me, which is the risk I took when I finally got around to getting to know Jenny. It was about this time, I was installing 'the offense of the future', and while she was as flighty as Forrest's girl (uh, and that is how our relationship was like throughout... have our moments, but we have always be in and out of each other's lives), and we flirted with the idea of being husband and wife. That idea went as well in real life as it did in the movie.

And now ... she has come 'round again. But I know that it isn't 'for us'. I do wonder if it is for something else. Or someone else.

I don't think that this is going to change anything. My protocols are not going to be broken regarding Tee Jay. Yet reading what my man is dealing with, I felt like sharing how I dealt with getting over someone with whom I spent good time with, time that I had hoped would lead to marriage.

The thing that makes this difficult to relate into words for anyone, isn't that it re-opens things. Trust me, it doesn't. For me, my insecurities act as a 'defense' of sorts, kind of like how antibodies work. The thing with Tee Jay, has mine up. When I ask if I want to subject myself to the possible embarassment and humiliation of trying to get at her ... I can't do it.

What this cat did recently, I don't buy his rationale for it. I mean, Tee Jay isn't far away from me at all, but as I indicated, coincidence haven't had our paths crossed without Jenny. So now that she is back, why not let this be 'a sign' to talk to Tee Jay ...

*sigh* There are things that are 'signs' and then there are things that are just things. Jenny contacting me is one of those things. Doesn't mean that I should do anything different from what I am already doing. I am not going to make an event just to see if I can find another crumb to hold on to. Crumbs usually lead to more crumbs, not the main dish.

EXIT, STAGE RIGHT

Me and Hutch are going to see Norman Rockwell at the DIA sometime this month, and next month it is Star Trek with Beth & Ken. I may even get a digital camera, to take some pictures.

I did think I would have something to add, something of value to say from my own experience. The only thing I can say is deal with it and move on. From having kids pick on me, to being 'the other guy' in the gym, to always being among 'also recieving votes' in the life of too many people, when someone doesn't want me, I let them go.

Does not mean I have to stop having the feelings that I have for them. I would still like to risk it all for with Tee Jay. But when I don't want someone that doesn't want me. I don't want to take the unnecessary risk of trying to 'catch' someone who doesn't want to be 'caught', at least not by me.

There is no mud flinging ... I won't say it is my experience, because it has always been that way for me. When it is over, it is over for me. I want to get over things so that what is next can take its place. It has to be something better, and that is what I put my faith in.

Everybody has their own experiences. To be sure, there are things in common to everyone. I just think that this cat should let the hurt grow, and not do things that would inflict more damage to himself. Years from now, this hurt will have receeded into the sea of memory and be dispersed. He will live and love someone new, and it will be better served for the lessons he has learned.

Dag, I thought that I would have something to would be of use for him here, but I don't know if there is anything here.

3 comments:

Beth said...

Actually, I think you gave about as good advice as you can give in a situation like that. It just hurts, and there's nothing but time that will take that pain away. We've all been through it, and there's really nothing a friend can do. Personally, in past breakups, I got to the point where I didn't want to talk about it, and knew that I just had to retreat and lick my wounds. That's just me.

Hugs, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Send his link, maybe by following, some tidbits of advice can be provided to smooth the transition.

I think the time will heal and that several years from now is will be a datapoint is good advice. Does not lessen the immediate pain though.

Indigo said...

I never thought you were someone who would intentionally hurt another person. I think it's more in the line of when you do cross that bridge, it's because you've been hurt yourself. If anything I see you sticking with a relationship longer than usually to give it every chance you can to turn out right. (Hugs)Indigo