Wednesday, May 27, 2009



Or why some folks call me 'an a-hole'. That is because they don't understand why I am doing whatever it is I am doing, and they wish that they had the heart to do whatever it is I am ignoring them about.

Mike Tyson makes me think about all the little young brothers that Alaina prolly sees 8 months a year, and tries as hard as she can to be a positive influence in their lives. There are some cats (and this includes kittens as well) who grow up without having that direct impact on their lives, that someone who could make a difference, who is trying to matter to them.

I am thankful for the Mom that I have. As screwed up as I am now, it makes my heart palpitate to think where I would be if I didn't have the one that I got. Though I don't mean too, sometimes when I am passing people on the street, shuffling around like extras in 'Blade Runner', I wonder if they sat down and when they were little said, "I want to be that guy who puts those annoying fliers in people's door, and go home to my $75 a week room on Michigan Ave".

Never remember hearing guys talk about how much they looked forward to a career of collecting bottles for deposit to return, and sweeping out the parking lots of the party stores for pocket money. I have a nice bike, paid $350 for it ... and the fellas who are riding like me, aren't on bikes like that. I ride the same kind of bike my Mom bought me, and I have continued to by for myself. I see these cats on their 'contraptions', and I wonder what was it that they looked forward to when they were younger... cause I can honestly say that I have looked forward to one day being in Nebraska, before I knew that I was going to be looking forward to going there.

I could just as soon be in town without telling her I am there, and I mean that for real.


I also think you are pretty self sufficient and will be able to figure out some things on your own so while Nebraska (person) will be there to help, it won't be like she'll totally be responsible for your well being 24/7 (make sense?) You've moved around some so you know some of what to expect.

And that is why I asked when should I tell Nebraska that I am coming to Nebraska, to get started on my move. As long as I have spoken about going there, I have also made it clear that I am going there not for her, not in hopes that we fall in love. What ever I feel is exclusive to me and my feelings. Not going to bother her about anything ... the offical position is that it will be her call, the depth of our relationship.

When we had our rendezvous, she said that she didn't know that I had given Mookie an engagement ring. For her, that put things in a different light, and I don't think she would have been eager to meet with me. I don't question why, or even try to over analyze it, but I do think I understand her position. And even if I don't, I do respect it.

Now, I wonder if she can understand and respect mine. Because, dontcha know, I think I could make it there as fine as I am going to make it with or without her. I mean, I am not new to this. As much as I think I am acting of my own volition, I also feel that I am being led, or even 'placed' where it is I am supposed to be.

While I know and truly understand that my personal view of the world is just that, mine, not everyone can extend the courtesy of respecting that someone has a different way of thinking. I was reading in a journal today (or yesterday ... or the day before that) about the danger of using 'everybody thinks', blanket statements.

I am hyper suspicious of people who doesn't seem to understand that their perspective is just that. THEIR PERSPECTIVE. I can respect what someone else may think, but it doesn't have to count when I am the one who has to do the math. She does and says things that are 'questionable' ... not that they are innately bad or good, only that they raise 'questions'.


I wish that I could read the book where I stole the notion from, but Arthur Schopanuer gets the credit for my definition of a crap person. A crap person, essentially is someone who looks out only for themselves, takes the largest share of what is there for everyone to take from, and if it weren't for the law and his own compulsion, would be a even crappier person than you could imagine.

Sometimes I slip and use a broad brush to paint with, but I am not too proud to either apologize or defend my position. That is different from the glazed eyes that I get when I ask people to tell me about 'white people music' or, talk about how 'all the blacks want is a handout from affirmative action'. Or what gets me here in the hood ... the talk about how Arabs open small businesses in the 'hood at the benefit of low if any taxes, and government help. UGH!!

What ever reason, we go thru periods where we don't talk, or send email or anything. I really don't know what goes on, as far as she is concerned. I know she has school, and I know she has a boyfriend and she hopes that though they are separated by time and space (he works somewhere for some big agency or whatever), that eventually they will end up together. And I am like GOOD FOR HER.


I can never repeat this enough. "A yes, a no, a straight line, a goal. That is my formula for happiness." One of the reasons that I could understand her disappointment at finding out that I was still 'in' an unhappy relationship, anchored by an engagement, is that I don't plan on any 'complexities' to purposely plague my new life. Were I to do that, then why not do the lemming thing and run over by Tee Jay's house? It is relatively RIGHT THERE, not at all out of the way or difficult to make happen. Why not dash myself against the rocks for a love spurned (quite different from an 'unrequited love' in my dictionary) and clearly not desired?

For me, the big question has always been do I really want to go to Nebraska? I mean, really? Each time I ask myself, I see a little child staring at Jim running from some animal and listening to Marlon do the narration ... remember the famous I-backs and that Vince Ferragamo ended up being a decent passer in the NFL, despite running th option for the Cornhuskers ... and wondering why can't they keep recruting backs like Mike Rozier ...

... if I told you any more, then you would know where it is I am going, and that has to wait until I get there. That way, you can take things up with ME!!


I will admit, that I hope this is the last throw of the dice for me. I hope to make more rational, studied decision, the kind that normal people make in building their lives. For real, I want to see if I going to that mythical place, where my 'conscious relaxes and my mind is freed'. The place were I expect what ever good that is still in me, to be squeezed out.

Sometimes, she has seemed impatient, others, indifferent. I may 'guess' once, maybe twice, perhaps a third (because she is sooo pretty!!) but when I say 'hold, enough', that is that with that.

It isn't about whether she likes having me around as much as if that is the place I am supposed to be. Watching the 'Nightly News', Tom Brokaw is doing a report as he traveles cross country, via Highway 50. I first thought of Beth and Route 66, and me and Pecan Sandie and I-40.

He started off in Maryland, at this place where they shell crabs for their meat, and the owner talked about how hard it was to find help, and the only ones he could hire were the immagrant who came to work in places like that.

There were a couple of old time ladies, and the one lady when asked why people wouldn't come there to work, if there were jobs available, almost hissed out her reply. We all know that there are some jobs that are low pay and labor intensive that Americans don't want to do. So the problem that immgrants, even the ones follow the rules were having with the INS was a big part of the story.

Impulsively, I called AKA. I asked if she saw it and she did. I told her, I would go and work there, live in the 'shotgun shack' or where ever, and be as happy as a little girl! She laughed ... but I would. Why not??

That faded, but man ... wouldn't THAT have been the adventure!! But moving to Nebraska is going to be adventure enough. I am very excited that I have taken such a huge step. Is it October already??


a corgi said...

you will blink, Mark, and it will be October. Not too many months down the road and lots of planning to do, it will go by quickly, believe you me. and it will be an adventure for sure, and you will do just fine; I have confidence in you


Senorita said...

It's true, a perspective, is just that and nothing more. It doesn't matter what point of view you hold, there will always be people who feel that they are right, and that your perspective is wrong.

That is why I don't like to enter into political debates. It's really hard to have a healthy debate, because if my views are different than theirs, they feel the right to blame "people like me" for our country's problems.

Indigo said...

I've been able to live almost anywhere under any conditions...How? Because I firmly believe home is not just a word or place, it's wherever your heart is. In other words where ever you are it's home. (Hugs)Indigo