Thursday, May 28, 2009

IF ONE HAD EYES TO SEE ...

... a shade, floating along the warm breeze

I don't know how often any of you have dreams that you remember, but I don't often have dreams ... and very few that I can recall with any real clarity.

But I did last night. About Tee Jay.

It seemed plausible, with me sitting in the kitchen of her Mom's house (with whom she lives with, along with her teenage daughter), and I was talking with her Ma. We had a decent enough relationship ... I know I enjoyed her and I want to think she enjoyed my company, which is why the conversation that I was having with her wasn't out of the ordinary.

She said that it wasn't anything about 'me', but that Tee Jay had reach a point in her life where she isn't really interested in relationships with anyone. Nothing personal, as she is tired of the bull crap, and she doesn't want to be bothered with it all.

Interesting dream, as I did not have thoughts about her, none that I was aware of. I decided to post about it for two reasons ... 1) because it is such a novelty for me, that I wanted it to be recorded, and 2) to show that apparently I have feelings for someone who doesn't want to return my affections, like a whole bunch of other folks.

BUT SEE, THIS IS WHERE THE HERD THINS

I don't let my insecurities, disable me. But really, when someone is trying make me feel like something I am not, I never have been one to accept it. My 'inner Pee Wee' kicks in ... because after all, 'I KNOW you are, but what AM I?' You don't know, do you?

And though Tee Jay will prolly never hear me say this, cause when I was brushing my teeth, I 'told her', that I know what I am capable of, and I aim to fullfill myself. I would want to be with you, but I can't risk my future for something that has shown itself to be an exercise in pointlessness. "It was you who made your due, you built a maze you can't get thru", (yup, I would actually say that if it fit the situation!)... and I let who and whatever do their thing.

Right now, all I can do is hope for the best. If my 'dream' is right, that is cool because I have no inclination to help her realize her problems and how much better her life can be with me. I don't even need to 'confirm' it, either. I will not use this 'dream' as an excuse to manufacture a reason to stumble into her environment ... I sneak around the Kohl's out in West Bloomfield, so as not to run into her at her job. I even go to the Burger King that is a little further away, so as not to maybe run into her, as it is on 'her urban pathway'.

See, this is the test of the 'ex List' for me. I know how to leave someone the hell alone, no matter why they want me to leave them alone ... and ESPECIALLY if I want to be free from them. Better to escape like a trapped coyote than to linger around the corpse of a relationship.

I GAVE AT THE OFFICE

Maybe I didn't make the 'right' decision, but I do think that I made the best decision at the time I had to act. When I would think about Mookie, in my travels along the 'Backroads Of Life', I'd remember her as I saw her. She was a sweet, pretty, and adorable girl ... while I was with her and near the end of our relationship, I had to deal with the conflict with doing what I thought was best for me, and what was best for 'us'.

And I didn't see her as 'sweet'.

But now, she is back to being the sweet, beautiful woman but with a caveat ... she isn't for me. She can find what she wants, and that is cool if she does reach whatever it is she is trying to grab.

Same with Tee Jay. I don't even assess their ability to actually reach their goals and hopes. Who has time for that, thinking about how realistic someone who doesn't want you anymore is being with what THEY want, when they don't want you?

Before Mookie and I got together, I wondered if I did everything that I could to keep things going in my 'mighty fine' relationships. And while I blew some good chances, I did what I could at my level best. No worries and no regrets. I poured what I could into whatever 'we' had, Mookie, Tee Jay, Delta, my ex wife (uh yeah, independent auditors confimed, not so much with Pecan Sandie ... my bad).

Now am I able to see that once and for all, I bounce back from things like Tigger! So why not take this revitalized attitude out for a test drive, and move to somewhere totally new?


4 comments:

Beth said...

Aren't dreams amazing sometimes? I think your mind was telling you what you already knew, but hadn't quite allowed to break the surface yet. I sense a feeling of relief in you, and I think I understand it. Sort of a feeling of resolution to something that has nagged at you for a while. Yay, Mark's brain! Good job! ;) Hugs, Beth

a corgi said...

I agree with what Beth said, Mark, and I too feel that this helped you with some things you might have been thinking of about Tee Jay/relationships/Nebraska, etc. Seems like you have made a nice clear path to continue on with your course to Nebraska in the fall!

betty

Her Side said...

Funny. I have vivid dreams that I remember. I have since I was like 2 years old. Most of them are unbelievably realistic... physical sensations and all. I can still remember dreams I had as a child.

I wonder if I would sleep better if I didn't dream so much????

But you can't deny the amazing feeling of having a dream "speak to you."

I do wish you the best in your move to Nebraska. For whatever reason, it sounds like a great move for you...

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I know that I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do, I - like you, take a moment to ponder the meaning :o)