Mary Catherine Gallagher Wasn't Alone, Was She?

Because for me, when I can 'live' through stuff, it generally means that I am doing well. Movies, music, stories, OTHERS JOURNALS, etc. How come? Because the things at hand with me are going to be dealt with, and my days are starting to fall into a routine of sorts.

This 'routine' is not really a routine at all. I am still going from day to day, finding my way around. I try to start them the same, but stuff happens, and I have to 'work around' to have my good day. That I do, is quite an accomplishment and I tend not to take it for granted.

Went to the hospital with a case of the, wait for it ...GOUT! No, this isn't the 18oo's, and I don't understand why I got it, but I do. Better that than what the cat next to me was dealing with ... a five day headache that turns out to be a BRAIN ANEURYSM! Yikes! They evac'd him to Providence Hospital, cause they are supposed to be experts in that stuff... all I can say is, 'if you say so'.

Man, whatever that was they injected to deal with the pain ... thank you very much, I will take two of those!

Had watched two movies this weekend ... 'Dangerous Liaisons' and 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'. Enjoyed them both. Supposed to 'warm up' near the end of the week, so perhaps I will get to Royal Oak and see 'Frost-Nixon'. I have the 'sense' of watching some of the interviews ... remembering how big it was. It was special. Now to get to hear some of the back story, is going to be good. I have read about it, seen a couple of interviews. I have always read about stuff before I went to see it ... that's me. Others aren't into that stuff. Don't know why not ...

NEBRASKA NEWS

We have had some interesting conversations recently. Usually, I have allowed to think and fantasize about her on Monday's. When I was still in the provincial town I once rode around, I would stop at the Starbucks en route to my therapist and get a coffee and the Apple Cinnamon muffin that I purchased when we were together.

Last week, she sorta 'broke containment'. I thought long and hard about her, all week. Despite our 'differences', I am certain that we could be good friends, and we would almost always have someone to call and to hang out with. One of the things that I have always been big on, is accessibility. I tend to know what it is I am going to do, and the things that matter the most to me, have a priority. My friends, interacting with real people, is one of those things.

One of the things I think I get misunderstood about me, is that I KNOW that I have a head in the clouds attitude. But my feet are on the ground ... or at least I try to keep them there. Said that to say I don't expect for people to come 'float with me'. Which is where experience has come in, and has me looking for someone who wants to dream a little.

PECAN SANDIE

While I almost had My Delta Girl converted, my ex wife and Mookie were too full of 'whatever' to believe, Pecan Sandie, wanted to believe with me, believe for us. I remember that we had conversations about how we were going to deal with each other, and how we were going to raise 'our children' (she counted errybody from the giddy-up as 'her daughters')

She dreamed with me. She had her own dreams, but she also dreamed with me. I tried to dream with her as well. She is the most creative person I have ever met. She has a great touch with things, and I could only think we would be living in one of the most tastefully decorated places in the Atl!

But she had a temper. She knew it, and she was able to see for herself, that it wasn't going to ever bring the response from me that she desired. She was able to put not only a 'face' but 'a person' to the stories I told her about my marriage. Didn't have to really discuss much about what I 'didn't want' in a relationship after that, and though she readily admitted to sharing some of those things, she did promise to work on them ...

... and she did.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

I screwed up. Period. I was reading journals today, and I sorta stepped into the boundaries that separate 'advice and empathy' from 'instruction and accusation'. So better I talk about what is what for me.

Sometimes, you can forgo details when reviewing your own mistakes, not because you are overlooking them, but that once you experienced something, you change immediately. A broad review is what I think is next, as with setting broad goals to reach a specific point. You can't wonder what each particular issue means, nor is it wise, IMO, to question the significance of what you did, save to align it with a future goal. Am I making sense?

See, with Sandie, I was able to tell her that I didn't mind 'hood rats' (not that she ever was one ... she went to NC State), but I did mind the insistence that what is stereotypic being the signpost for what can be done, what can be expected. I have come to describe it a myopic way of not daring to dream, because when you dream, there is actually work involved in making it happen. I would like to think, I want someone who is willing to roll up their sleeves and make their life happen. I want to believe that is what I AM willing to do.

The details of why we aren't together ... I zigged when zagging would have maybe been better. Could go into it, but then that is another two-three pages. And that is why detailing mistakes can be as costly as the mistake itself. You can get lost in review. you can find yourself finding NEW questions in the past, letting those unanswered and unnececssary point hinder you. Instead of saying 'screw this', don't for get to say 'screw that', when dealing with the past.

I feel better about myself, because I have stopped doing a lot of the same screwed up crap I used to do. Since it never really mattered what someone thought of me, who wasn't that someone, I am like sooo cool with myself.

BACK TO NEBRASKA

I want to go there. And I am sure that we can be very, very good together, me and that girl. She is breathtaking to me, and I can promise to her what I can, because I want to think that I know what it will take ...

... I will be 'her dog'.

There is nothing wrong with that, if you do so willingly. And what it means to me, is that I will be sure to keep her importance to me in my mind, first and always. And what, she will have to keep me on track for classes, and make sure that I don't burn dinner ... I mean, come on! Working towards the goal of having a happy life, with someone who is as attractive and kind as you would want someone to be ...

Don't know about her, but I have 'found' that in people, and I am now willing to sacrifice what it takes, if I am wrong ... because I have had others do that for me, and I proved them wrong. Not that I think I am going through 'payback' as I had to learn some difficult lessons.

Now, I want to think that I have learned what I need to be more successful. And when I get out west, I will find out for sure.