OH, WHY NOT ..!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ..!

Forgot to mention that Tee Jay, her daughter 'A squared', and I went to see a movie. I thought we were going to see, 'Rachel's Wedding', but it wasn't what we saw. Ended up seeing 'Noah's Arc', which was cool, but you may not want to bother with it. It is a gay themed film, and I thought we were going to see 'Rachel's Wedding'. Still, it was a good time!

I remember hearing on NPR Weekend Edition Sunday, a story about a woman of note, whose Mother was a super brilliant mathematician, who chose uncharacteristically different form of therapy for her daughter, who suffered a stroke. The daughter would find that her creativity and her empathy had changed, and that she was at least as creative, and had a deeper sense of emotional depth (did that make any sense?)

When I was first diagnosed, my biggest worry was that I would 'lose myself'. There are some bad stories about what happens to cats with a similar diagnosis. My therapist help keep me on MY TRACK. I am not supposed to be like Chris Benoit (said with respect), because I am supposed to do something else with my walk.

Perhaps it is to inspire someone, or just to be there when someone needs me. As to what I NEED, I have all the confidence in the world that I will find it, I have to make the best choices, and the best decisions that I can.

One of those decisions may well be whether or not I am going to pursue a relationship with the fervor I have had in the past.

So I got into Tee Jay's car, and in a very real sense, HAD NOT A CLUE to where I was going. I kept waiting for the 'aha!' moment, for everything to fall into place and catch hold of me. We got to the show about a half hour early, and we were able to chat some.

Because I didn't 'know' where we were at, I mentioned it. Tee Jay reminded me, that it was ME, who called for the movie times and chose the show time we would be attending! THEN everything came to me. I made a comment when we made the date on the phone, that going with her, she would be my 'waiver' and that I wouldn't get 'hit on', like I would have going by myself!

Now, you may say, "Mark, if you weren't sure of where you were going, why did you get into the car?" I mean, because I am thinking we were going to be somewhere else, seeing something else, the whole nine yards ... anything could have happened. But it didn't, and it wasn't. You see, I KNEW who I was going to be with.

ALWAYS TRUST CONTENT ...

...from Macromedia. I never knew why I used to get that prompt, so many years ago. But since nothing adverse ever happened, I kept on 'trusting it'.

When I was with Mookie, I did not share my concerns near the end. She had bailed out on me and the relationship, and was just going thru the motions. So I started 'exercising' not just my body, but my mind. Therapy for nearly 3 years gave me the confidence that enough of me is still 'here', and the things I hope for are within reach. May take some 'sweat equity', but I have NOT A FREAKIN' DOUBT about my ability to get to where I want to be.

So this time last year, getting ready to ride into early morning darkness towards Chicago, I was also taking the wheel and giving it a spin. I was nervous, but I had been nervous before. I had questions without answers, but I have done things with lingering issues before. Also, I had done what I felt I needed to do, and was as certain of what I was heading off into as I could be.

I knew that Nebraska would be there, and I knew that she was going to be THAT PERSON. For me to trust someone ... not that I am suspicious or anything, not that I am leery or have trust issues, but I prefer to just do things myself. I like to have control and be more of a determining factor in things. Being a kid trying to sneak into Harpo's on the east side, to getting into a boxing ring with men who may have had son's my age, to rappelling out of helicopters ... I could go on.

I KNEW I had what it took to at least get there and get back. Nebraska was the one who made it all worthwhile. Though I don't want to put 'anything' on her, because I do want her to find her bliss, but I have to doubt whether she will ever find someone who would be better for her than me. Why do I say that? I don't have to have a reason. No man with a good car needs to be justified.

I don't think she caught me, or maybe she did. I think that you can 'feel' when I am looking at you ... developed that when I started boxing, I think, putting weight into my gaze. But it was as we walked to her car from the bus depot, were I decided to let go and trust her, because if she wasn't meant for me to trust, she would not have been here.

For a long weekend, sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks that I make too much of it, that it may be out of proportion to what it really, really is. Being able to trust in me, has me confident in what I made of that weekend, and what I make of her. It is what it is, and it was also so much more. Discovering that I had found someone that I could trust like I trusted her ... that was major.

CRUCIAL PERIOD

Six weeks is a nice period of time to get ready for a 8 round semi-main event bout. I want to finish this year strongly. In an effort to 'think less', I am going to really work on my story over at http://afriendonthebackroadsoflife.blogspot.com/, maybe popping back to mention a thought or two. I am doing fine, and I have come too far to be sliding back or losing my grip. I won't and I like what is going to shape up to be a good '09. The question of the day is, will Navy beat ND again this season?

The Midshipmen are going well this year, and ND is very sometime-y. May even decide to watch that game. Enjoy your weekend!