Reaching the top of one hill only to see another off in the distance awaiting ...
Jumped in on 'Thin Red Line' on IFC about 30 minutes in. Thought I could finish it off, but it was too much for me. I will watch it eventually, but tonight wasn't the night for it. Emotionally, I wouldn't have been able to have dealt with it, as what I saw brought a reaction out of me. What made it too much for me, what has made the end of this week too much for me, is that I am tired.
Nothing makes me feel more vunerable to the things that keep me from my goals, than being tired. From sprinting out of school and across the field to the relative saftey of my block, which I had to reach a footbride to cross a shallow stream to get there, to the endless days and nights of sleeping in my car as I struggled to catch on in college, I have found being tired to be the gateway to personal darkness, so much so that I try as hard as possible not to even use the word.
Me, being tired means that I have reach the end of my limits, and need to just stop. Also, when somone tells me they are 'tired', as in, "Mark, I am tired of you," I will ask them if they are sure, because I am about to write them out. This is why the challenge of an 'ex-List' appealed to me, because to get where you want to go, sometimes means doing what you have never done.
I will wrestle with myself, do all the teeth-gnashing, the '6-digit call', where you start to dial a certain number but you catch yourself before you press the last digit and salvage your pride, whatever I have to do, follow my interpretation of 'being tired', which is to me, the same as saying, 'Enough. I want to be rid of you."
Another things happens to me when I get tired, and I know it happens to others. Someone else made the observation that, "Fatigue makes cowards of men," and it is true. When you allow yourself to be tired, you lose sight of what is your goal, and you focus on the difficulties, the things that are in the dark corners and deep in the shadows, the things that are unknown to you. Clauswitz speaks on the doubts that arise if you think you have made a mistake in your planning, the uncertainty that you have when you are trying to do something 'great', and how you must steel yourself against the negative thinking that will prevent you from accomplishing your task.
Today, I kept 'hearing' Russ tell me, in a mock reproach, "Dude, you think too much!" He was right. I was 'thinking' too much and not 'being'. I don't say thing are going well for me, for the simple reason of trying to smile the hurt away. I am doing well, too well to let the worries of being wrong in wanting what I want, in heading off in the direction that I am heading.
I am trying to budget myself as far as money goes. Things are merely 'tight' as opposed to the 'suffocatingly tight' budget I had living with the Mook's. Now I can see where I am going, and expect to get there.
It is a little late, and Nebraska is filling my thoughts of listening to good indie rock (Conor Oberst is like an big name in indie music ... HE'S from Nebraska ..!) and having fun tailgating at football game (of course, it will be done from my bike!) on a Saturday afternoon ...
Next issue: The only choice is hope ..!