Saturday, September 27, 2008

Random stuff on Debate night ...

Reaching the top of one hill only to see another off in the distance awaiting ...

Jumped in on 'Thin Red Line' on IFC about 30 minutes in.  Thought I could finish it off, but it was too much for me.  I will watch it eventually, but tonight wasn't the night for it.  Emotionally, I wouldn't have been able to have dealt with it, as what I saw brought a reaction out of me.  What made it too much for me, what has made the end of this week too much for me, is that I am tired.

Nothing makes me feel more vunerable to the things that keep me from my goals, than being tired.  From sprinting out of school and across the field to the relative saftey of my block, which I had to reach a footbride to cross a shallow stream to get there, to the endless days and nights of sleeping in my car as I struggled to catch on in college, I have found being tired to be the gateway to personal darkness, so much so that I try as hard as possible not to even use the word.

Me, being tired means that I have reach the end of my limits, and need to just stop.  Also, when somone tells me they are 'tired', as in, "Mark, I am tired of you," I will ask them if they are sure, because I am about to write them out.  This is why the challenge of an 'ex-List' appealed to me, because to get where you want to go, sometimes means doing what you have never done.

I will wrestle with myself, do all the teeth-gnashing, the '6-digit call', where you start to dial a certain number but you catch yourself before you press the last digit and salvage your pride, whatever I have to do, follow my interpretation of 'being tired', which is to me, the same as saying, 'Enough.  I want to be rid of you."

Another things happens to me when I get tired, and I know it happens to others.  Someone else made the observation that, "Fatigue makes cowards of men," and it is true.  When you allow yourself to be tired, you lose sight of what is your goal, and you focus on the difficulties, the things that are in the dark corners and deep in the shadows, the things that are unknown to you.  Clauswitz speaks on the doubts that arise if you think you have made a mistake in your planning, the uncertainty that you have when you are trying to do something 'great', and how you must steel yourself against the negative thinking that will prevent you from accomplishing your task.

Today, I kept 'hearing' Russ tell me, in a mock reproach, "Dude, you think too much!"  He was right.  I was 'thinking' too much and not 'being'.  I don't say thing are going well for me, for the simple reason of trying to smile the hurt away.  I am doing well, too well to let the worries of being wrong in wanting what I want, in heading off in the direction that I am heading.

I am trying to budget myself as far as money goes.  Things are merely 'tight' as opposed to the 'suffocatingly tight' budget I had living with the Mook's.  Now I can see where I am going, and expect to get there.

It is a little late, and Nebraska is filling my thoughts of listening to good indie rock (Conor Oberst is like an big name in indie music ... HE'S from Nebraska ..!) and having fun tailgating at football game (of course, it will be done from my bike!) on a Saturday afternoon ...

Next issue:  The only choice is hope ..!

6 comments:

toonguykc said...

Never listen to me!  I am in no position to tell anybody how or how much to think.  I just believe you are too hard on yourself at times.

Russ

katerh99 said...

Have you heard the latest "Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band"? My favorite is Danny Callahan. He's coming to Detroit, Royal Oak, 11-02. Don't know if that is part of Detroit or a suburb or what. Goal. Save your pennies for that! And there is the Virginia Tech vs Nebraska game tonight, MIGHT be televised on ABC. Grab a brat and beer and watch. No garantees on how badly Nebraska will get stomped, but oh, well! (Check local listings. You may not get it but I hope so.)

frankandmary said...

I think too much, & I still maintain that it is better than not thinking enough, but I do get the point, because at times some of the burdens we carry, & think about too much, include false weight. ~Mary

lv2trnscrb said...

I know for me when I get tired, my defenses go down and I'm more susceptible to every little thing bothering me; hope you got a good night's sleep and are refreshed today; I've been known to make a few 6-digit phone calls myself, I never looked at it the way you described it before

you're going to get there with your dreams/plans; I keep telling you that, but you will get there; you are determined and focused; hang in there

betty

buckoclown said...

Maybe try budgeting your thinking as well as your money, and you will not get tired.

luvrte66 said...

I hope you were able to give your brain and body a rest. Fatigue really can affect our health, mood, and reasoning. Sleeeeep...goooood.

Beth