BECAUSE FAITH IS INTERNAL...
... and that means it doesn't have to satisfy anyone's beliefs. Sometimes, I will drop a reference to something, and that is me ... can't account for what it may be for someone else, so I won't let that affect what and how I write.
I had hoped to claim my desire at the 'right time', but the right time to act on the things that you want to be yours is ALWAYS now. Speaking it out loud, whether it is to your public journal or a trusted confident, it is out and you have created an obligation with life to take actions to meet what you have called to come to you.
What I know about her, is what I know about her, which is to say nothing and everything. Something kept me from deleting her from my 'Buddy List' and something kept me wondering what it would be like to meet her. I don't know what she is like in her native environment, and that could be something totally different from the person I have made her out to be.
I am well aware that I am going out there because of her. I liken her to a north star, providing focus and a direction for me to head off into. She used to worry that I was too smitten with her, and in this age of obsessive internet stalkers, I am not surprised. My 'wall of desire' approach could easily turn someone off, fearing that I was a 'Lifetime Movie' waiting to happen. Yet, she didn't, and in fact took the extrodinary step of actually coming out to meet me. All of that counts for something.
Now I am not one for infringing on anyone's desires of what they want for themselves. Mookie could have save us both a little bit of time by coming out and admitting that she wanted out ... that was a year that neither of us will get back. Nebraska has made it clear that I leave much to be desired as her partner, which is fine. Being friends would be cool as well. So why go out there, if she is the reason for you to want to be in Nebraska?
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID 'SPUR'
It was in my mind BEFORE I met her, maybe before she was even born. That works for me, so I will roll with it. There are also 'miles to go' before I get there, and all I can do is stick to my goal, which is to find a greater measure of happiness in my life. She now has an idea, just like Tee Jay, AKA, and Pecan Sandie has of what I may bring into their lives. I want to be wanted, just like I will find someone to fill my wants. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why that is a good idea.
My attraction to other 'types' of girls, to maybe the 'Sage Steele's' of the world is a sign for me to look for something different, not only in physical looks, but in her mental perspective as well. I am trying to avoid a word, but it is hard. That one lady who read a few blurbs then quit, I wonder what was her thing? Women think that they own the 'fed up and tired with this crap' thing, as though it is only men who ruin good women and good relationships. Not so. I sometimes shake my head at women who are in my 'range' (28 -50) and their expectations, as well as how they plan on getting to where they hope to go.
That bothers me. Part of what gets me, is that they still have their champange dreams, as though they are still the belle of the ball. Needless to say, they are far from it.
If I wasn't self-effacing before, having brain trauma has made sure that I remember that the shine is off this penny. I am trying to find a 'new normal', which will take as long as it takes. One of the hard and fast things I want is a partner who is at LEAST as committed to me, as I am to them. That is non negotiable. I won't stand for our relationship being superceded without cause. Don't care about Shenequia your sister and her crap relationships, or your good friend Honey Brown, who doesn't seem to have the ablity to keep her ankle from behind her ears. If they are that much more important to you than I am, their repeated failings and bad advice, then let THEM sleep with you.
Part of what make my anxieties take hold of me, is uncertainty. I couldn't stay in a relationship with Mookie, wondering where I stood in her life. And the point of me being IN her life, was that we were a team, and in this to win this.
But apparently not.
Don't know where this is going, but sometimes you have to sail with the wind, even when it blows you in a different direction. So I will sail with it for now ...