Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Not a rant, just a vent


... and that means it doesn't have to satisfy anyone's beliefs.  Sometimes, I will drop a reference to something, and that is me ... can't account for what it may be for someone else, so I won't let that affect what and how I write.


I had hoped to claim my desire at the 'right time', but the right time to act on the things that you want to be yours is ALWAYS now.  Speaking it out loud, whether it is to your public journal or a trusted confident, it is out and you have created an obligation with life to take actions to meet what you have called to come to you.

What I know about her, is what I know about her, which is to say nothing and everything.  Something kept me from deleting her from my 'Buddy List' and something kept me wondering what it would be like to meet her.  I don't know what she is like in her native environment, and that could be something totally different from the person I have made her out to be.

I am well aware that I am going out there because of her.  I liken her to a north star, providing focus and a direction for me to head off into.  She used to worry that I was too smitten with her, and in this age of obsessive internet stalkers, I am not surprised.  My 'wall of desire' approach could easily turn someone off, fearing that I was a 'Lifetime Movie' waiting to happen.  Yet, she didn't, and in fact took the extrodinary step of actually coming out to meet me.  All of that counts for something.

Now I am not one for infringing on anyone's desires of what they want for themselves.  Mookie could have save us both a little bit of time by coming out and admitting that she wanted out ... that was a year that neither of us will get back.  Nebraska has made it clear that I leave much to be desired as her partner, which is fine.  Being friends would be cool as well.  So why go out there, if she is the reason for you  to want to be in Nebraska?


It was in my mind BEFORE I met her, maybe before she was even born.  That works for me, so I will roll with it.  There are also 'miles to go' before I get there, and all I can do is stick to my goal, which is to find a greater measure of happiness in my life.  She now has an idea, just like Tee Jay, AKA, and Pecan Sandie has of what I may bring into their lives.  I want to be wanted, just like I will find someone to fill my wants.  Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why that is a good idea.

My attraction to other 'types' of girls, to maybe the 'Sage Steele's' of the world is a sign for me to look for something different, not only in physical looks, but in her mental perspective as well.  I am trying to avoid a word, but it is hard.  That one lady who read a few blurbs then quit, I wonder what was her thing?  Women think that they own the 'fed up and tired with this crap' thing, as though it is only men who ruin good women and good relationships.  Not so.  I sometimes shake my head at women who are in my 'range' (28 -50) and their expectations, as well as how they plan on getting to where they hope to go.

That bothers me.  Part of what gets me, is that they still have their champange dreams, as though they are still the belle of the ball.  Needless to say, they are far from it.

If I wasn't self-effacing before, having brain trauma has made sure that I remember that the shine is off this penny.  I am trying to find a 'new normal', which will take as long as it takes.  One of the hard and fast things I want is a partner who is at LEAST as committed to me, as I am to them.  That is non negotiable.  I won't stand for our relationship being superceded without cause.  Don't care about Shenequia your sister and her crap relationships, or your good friend Honey Brown, who doesn't seem to have the ablity to keep her ankle from behind her ears.  If they are that much more important to you than I am, their repeated failings and bad advice, then let THEM sleep with you.

Part of what make my anxieties take hold of me, is uncertainty.  I couldn't stay in a relationship with Mookie, wondering where I stood in her life.  And the point of me being IN her life, was that we were a team, and in this to win this.

But apparently not.

Don't know where this is going, but sometimes you have to sail with the wind, even when it blows you in a different direction.  So I will sail with it for now ...


luvrte66 said...

"One of the hard and fast things I want is a partner who is at LEAST as committed to me, as I am to them.  That is non negotiable."

As it should be. I don't know if I've written to you about this before, Mark, but my Dad gave me some great advice years ago. He said that he and Mom put God first in their lives, and to me, that means whatever your spiritual guiding light happens to be. The second thing, he told me, was that while they have always loved us girls very much, he and Mom put each other first. He said that you have to be united, you have to be a team (I noticed that you used that word, too), and you can never let anything come between you, and that includes kids.

I know you love sports as much as I do. My favorite teams to watch are those that are a true TEAM, rather than a team with one person who is a superstar.
The greatest teams are those that come together, work together, strive together to WIN. Of course, you can rarely win them all...and that's when they come together and support each other. I think it's a very apt analogy.

I also think you have to be very upfront about your expectations and say, "This is how I see it. How do you feel about that?" and see the response. I don't think you'll have a problem saying that, though. ;)

Hugs, Beth

buckoclown said...

Beth and I met on the internet.  We had written the great American Novel before we ever talked for the first time, or before we ever met.  For us, writting was our way of leeting someone in, and we knew that we had a chance at being committed to each other by our values and beliefs.  I hope you get that chance with Nebraska :o)

lv2trnscrb said...

having a friend is good; and maybe her being the north star will also help guide you to someone else in the state of Nebraska that finds you better suited to be a partner (hope this makes sense; its late and I had a busy day; all good; but feeling a bit brain dead here)