Tuesday, September 30, 2008

KNOW YOUR CHICKEN

So where do we go from here?  I will set up on Blogger, with the help of Beth over at Nutwood Junction ... what I am going to do here is 'offload' some of the stuff that is on my mind ...

Latest poll says it is a 70% chance of my going to Nebraska.  I expect things to hang in the 65-70% range until I get a chance to get out there and see what's what.  That is when I will know for sure.

I used to box, did it for at least 28 years of my life.  Had some high and nice moments, and had some less than good ones too.  Never came to mind to complain about things.  I have always felt that when you say, 'Why Me?', you aren't willing to take your fair share of the predicament.  I mean, I know that I rushed into marriage, and I know that I was overconfident in a key boxing match (or two ... maybe three ..?).  I also own that I let as many as THREE game winners go in my life,as I measure relationships, not to mention a couple of near misses that might have hit the target if I had kept my focus.

Mookie was part of the latter group.  I kept her in my thoughts, because there was something about her that had me think that I left a lot on the table.  So when I hatched this 'Ex List' thing, she was first up.  We did well, for what 41/2 years, then we started running out of gas.  Part of it was me, losing my job and having other difficulties that would be diagnosed as my disability, brain trauma.  But thanks to therapy, I can honestly say that the character and person is still cool ... I can't box anymore ... er, I shouldn't, but since you don't know if there will be another ride on this thing, I make not a promise to that.  And it really is not up for discussion.  But I would listen to a reasoned and rational argument.

There are some things that I am concerned about.  Details get hazy and and I lose my focus at times.  Moving to Nebraska is going to be a good thing for me, and I understand the risks involved.  I have a lot of faith in myself, and a lot of faith in how we came to be.  Period.  It is all about the process.

As far as staying in Detroit, I don't want to do it.  Doesn't take a mental heavyweight to see that with my and ma soeurs' that we were taught to seek our lives outside of the city limits.  Talk about stress!  If you only knew how angsty I get with being left here ... grr!  Been to Monte Carlo, now I am trying to not get hit BY  a Monte Carlo!  Not cool!

Anyway, as much love as I have for Tee Jay, destiny calls.  Not only that, she still isn't home at 11 pm on a Saturday night, and calls only when there isn't anything on television she watches ... uh, I graduated from 'relationship High School' ... I know you can do the work, so get into 'University of Love' already!

This is another relationship 'bug' ... I find that women claim a superior ground in relationships, that is false and does as much damage to relationships as a crap guy bumbling through lives like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Some women still approach things as a 'victim in waiting', a Sleeping Beauty if you will.  Others fasley cling to the idea that they are Cinderella, and feel that if Prince Charming comes and sweeps them off their feet, their days of toil and labor are done.

I think that is what actually victimizes women.  The idea that they can sit and let what is 'tween their legs attract a winner ... man, if you don't manage that, the only thing you will attract is crabs!

Me, I am also a spiritual cat, and always have been.  That is part of my journey, to go thru life in search of, like spiritual nomad, of myself and my place.  Maybe I am just to serve as a warning, perhaps to inspire, I don't know.  Staying in Detroit, that is something I don't think I am supposed to do.

And I don't want to do it.

I think that the Nebraska concept is going to be in the 65 -70% 'go ahead' level until I get out there, hopefully in March.  I have to visit Lexxie first, then I will head out.  I will be ready when I am ready, not a moment before.  The known caveat is if Nebraska the woman's life takes her where she need s to be ... that is when I will consider other things ...

Tee Jay has a longer way to go, because what is working for her, also works against her ... I KNOW HER.  Sure, she can say I did this and that (as if this and that is related ... a line from the Black Sheep song, 'The Choice Is Yours), but she isn't a daisy either. 

I KNOW ALREADY that AKA is in love with me.  She is simply not honest enough with herself for me, which means she isn't being honest with me.  Should she invite me over to help her move stuff OUT of her house, don't need to be a clinical therapist to know that she has taken a big step!  Because it would be such a large step, it is unlikely for her to be able to make such a thing in time.  Were she to do so, I would have to tell her that I am not thrilled with her family, and don't look forward to the rest of my life of dealing with them.  Period.  That would be a sea change in our relationship, which makes the likelyhood of it occuring unlikely.  But women have a way of surprising you, as I well know.

That is like 'dark matter' in my life.  I know how I would like my life to play out, but I don't know who's life I am supposed to play IN.  All I can do is call out what I want, and take the steps that I have determined necessary to make them occur.  I don't know who rides the 'darkhorse' in my life, rushing up from the rear to over take the lead horses. 

AS TO MY 'LOOSE ENDS'

Most of them have been tied up.  As far as my daughter Skye goes, that is for after the calendar changes.  I didn't expect to be greet with open arms, but what has happened is something else.  I gotta live with a whole lot of stuff so if things don't get better when it is my time to leave, then what can I say?  So I won't get too clever with my remaining 'Stars' entries on AOL.  I am going to REALLY open up, as I don't know who is going to make and survive the migration.  Maybe AOL is just outsourcing this part of their online stuff, to streamline ... I don't know, it sounds 'bailout-ish' to me ... anyway, I could neveer thank all who contributed, even that lady who called me 'one of those guys' ...

And I want y'all to know that I wasn't one of those guys ...

2 comments:

buckoclown said...

AOL went "free" a year or two ago.  If you click the banners and links, you will find that they are shutting down journals because there was no revenue stream for this section of their service.  When your platform is free, you need adverstising to make the ends meet.

This is the first entry where I saw that you have a 70% shot of going to Nebraska.  I think that if you really look internal, it is much higher than that.

Be well my friend.  I will keep your alerts on, and hope you follow me to Blogger.

http://buckoclown.blogspot.com/

luvrte66 said...

No way, I don't think of you as "one of those guys" at all. Someone didn't pay close enough attention to what you write!

I'll be happy to help you set things up. We can even talk by phone at some point if you're really having a hard time with something. I think you'll find it easier than you think. Ken has already said that he kind of likes the new format better. It is quite a bit more flexible. You can do different color text, too! Never fear!

Love, Beth