Monday, September 22, 2008

Have a cookie ..?

SEE, I HAVE DIALED IT DOWN ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDwmCFgoiE8

I had been going about getting myself together for over 10 mos., and I still have some ways to go.  After all I am still in Detroit and not in Nebraska, and there are plenty of things left for me to do.  That is part of why I am thinking about sex (no one told me that 'getting it together' would mean NOT GETTING IT) and here, sorta re-thinking about people ... and today we are thinking about Pecan Sandie.

Never have I been a 'good boy', but I also never claimed it.  Met her after Nixxie and I had stopped being bunk buddies, so that part was cool (neither of us knew KT was in the chute!), we weren't 'cheatin' on anyone or anything.  Things wouldn't get confusing for a few months when Nixxie told me we were preggers.  I was in quite a fix, as I had lost a fight or two and the managment behind me was getting squirrely. 

Pecan Sandie is rare in that she was a sister girl who 'took' to me and did not mind at all the 'unblack' things about me.  We would have the most fun together, and she really was there for me as a person could be.  The thing about her, was her 'mood swings'.  I told her about my first marriage and how my ex-wife thought that a straight right was fine communication tool.  Sandie said she would work on her temper.  She tried, I still have a single panel cartoon that she used as part of a collage that she made in an apology.

Don't like saying my personal pressures made me crack, and lose a person that could have help make my life.  After KT arrived and I was able to get out of my contract, we went to the Atl, to see if we were going to make it as a couple ...

... I still wanted to box.  Didn't see it happening from Georgia, and she didn't really want to come to Detroit, but she would have if I wanted her too, to be perfectly honest, she WANTED to, albeit reluctantly.  I weaseled my way from her.

This is getting harder to write, not because I don't want to remember it, but because I do get a little choked up, thinking about wanting something that she once offered to me, freely.  Is it enough to admit to having made a mistake and accept the punishment?  It is, but the human mind works on you and works on you.

The song, 'Breafast At Tiffany's' is a song she liked and she shared it with me.  For her, it was something that was inside of her and she let it out with me.  Man, I was such a mess during that time ...

When I had gotten settled in Detroit, she came up with the intent of 'taking me back home where I belonged'.  I wouldn't go.  Her next visit, I was with Tee Jay, and she was badly hurt.  What can I say?  Absolutely nothing.  It isn't enough when someone is in love with you like she was with me to say, "Hey, I am sorry but I did warn you".   Looking back, I wonder if her 'mood swings' were really that bad ... 

It is remembering the feelings from that time, that will help me understand why I am single and alone, should that be my fate.  I know that it is not, but I am just saying ...


 

5 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

I wouldn't beat yourself up too bad about it, Mark; life will consume us and destroy us if we keep thinking "what if, what if not, etc" I think at the time you made what you thought was a good decision about your relationship with Pecan Sandie; don't try to second guess yourself too much

and you are getting yourself together; you have made some very important steps in doing that; you still could be in another city part of a relationship that you knew wasn't going anywhere nor would go anywhere, that was a big first step; I know you continue to work on your other steps in your plan; it might take a bit longer than the timeframe you originally set up, but I believe it will happen for you and you will make it to Nebraska

betty

luvrte66 said...

That's a sad story, Mark, and it sounds like it's still hard for you to think about. You made the best decision for yourself at the time, but I know it can be hard to look back and second-guess yourself.

Great song, and I haven't heard it in a while. I never knew all the words...those are kind of sad, too!

Beth

lisa41076 said...

Mark, I ca'nt wait until next month when I get my laptop, were you able to see that Grissom and Sara video ? The new Season of CSI starts October 9'th on CBS at 9:00 p.m., Hugs Lisa

buckoclown said...

We all make mistakes, the important thing is to learn from them, and to not repeat them :o)

frankandmary said...

I think my strongest empathies are reserved for people who make mistakes, admit them & then try to be a better person henceforth.  It all sounds so simple but it is not the course that many people actually take, or we would not currently live in such a blameful society. ~Mary