Monday, September 22, 2008

Doing what's best, never what is easy


I do consider myself a 'spiritual' person.  I do believe that we all have a soul, and that it contains the essence of what we are and that there is another level of existence beyond our ability to perceive, just as man is beyond the ability of the deziens of the seas to be aware of.  We act on them in a fashion that makes me think of the 'mysterious ways' that move through our lives here.

But I don't want to get off too much on that.  I have a difficult time feeling pity for myself, or feeling sorry for me when I compare it to the wallowing on others.  When I get 'tough' on myself, I still get frustrated because I don't think I am that tough on myself.  My Mom did a good job with us, and me in particular.  I don't have any choice but to be positive, because she put her best in me.  I don't blame her for anything at all, if anything, I respected her more when I left home, because she never showed any of the 'bitter black woman' disease that afflicts many single Mothers.  She stayed my Mom and my friend until the end.

For me, being able to say that I let her down, knowing she would never admit to being disappointed in me, is a motivation.  When I got back with Mookie, who came with her 'seal of approval', it meant a whole lot to me.  My family understood that I was with the rare person that I was 'supposed to have married', you know?

She liked Pecan Sandie, even if she thought she was a little on the hyper side.  She liked My Delta Girl, but she never met her, only knew her from phone conversations and how I would talk about her when I would come home for a visit from school and such.  And as for Tee Jay ... she TOLD me to marry her.

My ex wife, not so much. 


If 'relations' were a sport, it would be basketball for me, and I would be Glen Rice or maybe David Thompson.  Cats who were talented, won at the high school and college levels, and finished their pro careers just on this side of the hall of fame.  More than good enough to be idolized, yet still with something not on their career resume.

What do you do?  You got to find a way to go on, and you do.

Don't know if I have the exchange with the one commentor, who told me that I was 'one of those guys'.  It bothers me because I HAVE been one of those guys, but I never WANTED to be like that.  I knew what she meant, because I didn't think that I was going to be 'like that', but I am.

With Pecan Sandie, I began to 'walk in' on my target.  I feel that I was homing in, getting nearer and nearer to what I wanted in my life.  Boxing had hit its 'Mendoza line', and I knew that I wasn't going to be the next big thing, or even a 'thing'.  I was a ham and egg clubfighter, and that was alright with me.  But the more we plan, the more fate shuffles the cards and deals a new hand.


We have spoken, like I have mentioned early, very sporadically.  Like Sandie, she flat out made a 'boots on the ground' decision to go out with me, and that is something I would look for in someone new.  I think that it is arrogant to think that someone is going to come to you mixed and set, all you have to do is show up.  I wanted something different in my life and so did she.

During one of our conversations, she asked about what did I remember about us, wanting to know 'specific' things ... we had dated for a little more than 4 years, and she also had a peek at my 'date journal' that I used to keep.  But I don't have it, so I couldn't go to it and recount any of our numerous 'rendevous'.  But what I do have ready to access, should let her know how I feel.


Never lost while we were a couple.  In fact, had begun to dust off the ol' bottle, to go out in a thunderstorm to see if I was going to catch some lighting in it.  Didn't necesarrily need to win a title, maybe a regional thingy or just get a few 5 or 6 figure paydays, call it a night and get married.

Told her that I could remember those conversations, riding up and down I-77, going out Hwy 80 or the other way out Hwy 90 after we won a match.  And it was a 'we thing', because she was a part of making sure I stayed focused.  She could 'see' what I could see for us, and she decided she wanted that too.

I also remember the first time we got to 'know' each other.  We went out to what was then my favourite Italian restaurant, Maria's in Ferndale.  Took her to see a movie that I just watched again, 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (an absolutely fantastic movie ... will review soon), and we went to a 'neutral site', and if I wasn't in love with her before (which I was), I would be after that night.

Can't overtstate the importance of the environment to me.  The little place we were in, was nice, not just nice enough.  I had picked up some chocolate covered cherries, and we sat down and we talked.  We both were nervous, not just because of the newness, but because we both had glimpses of what we hoped for being at arm's length.  I made her feel at ease, not rushing into things ... behaving like I 'had been there before,' and getting her to relax. 



luvrte66 said...

Sounds like your Mom was very discerning when it came to your girlfriends...and ex-wife.


lv2trnscrb said...

I don't think you let your mom down, Mark; I think we all think we let our parents down; but they have that almost unconditional love towards us


buckoclown said...

From having to get to know you a bit in J-Land, your mom did a great job :o)