Right now, as of this very moment, there is just my personal economics, the rebuilding of a link with my older daughter, and my own set timetable keeping me from Nebraska (the state).
I think that I tried to get a job too quick, and having all the things that I was working on going, caused me to missed that shift. A line that I saw today from the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" on one of those posters to inspire the office drones, caught my attention ...
"The key is not to prioritize your schedule, but to schedule your priorities. Do the important things first -- Because where you are headed is more important than how fast you are going."
I didn't need to try to get a job while I was 'decompressing' and working at my personal work (all men have secrets and here are my so let it be known ...). Getting my truly important things done, that is what is going to determine where I am going, and WHEN.
I feel calm, but there is a storm around me ... I have traveled past my darling Brother's resting place ... I am going to start thinking of him as he is, gone from this plane. The contrast between his passing and our Mother's, is that she was sick, and watching her decline, she would talk to us to prepare us for what was inevitable. My darling Brother, it was shocking and sudden, and way too soon for us. He was 34, and man, that cat was just the sweetest, most thoughtful cat, like ever. His entire LIFE, people wanted to get close to him, even as a baby, as though what he had you could have rub off, and you would get some of it as well.
I could never get him to come away with me. He did trips, to Cali, to Carolina. I had told My Delta Girl that he came as part of my package, as I had hoped to bring him away with me ... and this is going to be a digression point ...
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can guess at some of the things that My Nebraska wonders about. Don't know if anyone figure out some of them, but one that I think she has reservations about, is my sexuality.
First of all, I am so over all that high school stuff. I have treated that like cigarettes ... if you haven't started smoking by a certain age, you will never smoke ... well, sexually I have past my 'age', so I find any questions of that nature as a direct affront. To me, it takes a small mind to think that because I treat a woman as a peer, and consider my feelings and words, as well as be truly interested in your hiarstyle and your wardrobe, that I may be something OTHER THAN WHAT I TOLD YOU I AM. Period. Besides, it is a well established FACT IN MY MIND that I can whip 99 out of the 100 cats she could get to stand in a line ... and what are you going to tell them, they got 'licked' by a swish? Oh, and don't slip, there prolly is one that could do it, but I am not that one .... because I told you, as simple as that.
... this will come up again in time ...
SEE, I THINK I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON ...
I think that in a female headed home, that there is still a certain risk you run with boys learning bad habits about the interaction between men and women, and their expectations in a relationship. I also think that there is the possibility that you are raising milquetoasts as well.
I am not going to lie. I AM going to spoil the girls and women in my life. I think THAT is what has made me attractive, and that is something that is never going to be legislated out of me. My darling Brother had it in spades, and he made everyone he encountered feel as if the sun rose and set for him. I think that my sisters, particularly Jan took advantage of him; prolly would have ran me ragged as well, but in being the oldest, I was able to go off and do some adventurin'.
Couldn't get him to stay with me in Carolina. Wouldn't move with me to Arizona. I did not want him at home waiting on bitter crap Jan, and my ex wife (who was part of the sisterhood of the bitter single black women's club!) who was dumpin' on him as well. But he loved his life, and he had what he wanted in it, and did what he was meant to do.
Thinking back to all the faces that came to his wake, from such different backgrounds and different places, I understood atonce he could have never left Detroit, as he was needed here.
The twins (Army sis & Best Sis) would have been lost. Someone needed to keep our Mom protected from cruddy clique Jan & ex-Wife. I had left, so the hero stuff fell to him ...
I am so glad for the life that he had. Whenever I think about him, I remember how much love was shown to him ... because it meant he had given so much of himself to others.
I miss him terribly.
Right now, the only thing that is clear, is setting a calendar. I have weight off my shoulders, and I will keep grinding away ... his passing is what set me on the path to living the life that I imagine ...
... once more ..!