Friday, August 29, 2008

A Redirect ...


Good news on the 'personal effort' front.  Can start work next month on a more aggressive approach with Skye.

I was going through my mental musical library to see if I can tap into my own personal shadows and what makes me lie in the bed all day, because Priscilla, it does happens from time to time, but admittedly those are few and very far between.  My personality is buoyant, and I come up with the seas of life start to roil.

I think part of the reason I find it difficult to be and remain depressed for any length of time, is that I have never in my conscious life, not call things as I see it, particularly with myself.  I own what I have done, and I do the best that I can ... simple as that.  Yes, I wish that I could have been more to KT and Lexxie, and I will always be in debt to Nixxie and Pecan Sandie for letting me be in their lives.

My First Wife is a crap person, IMO, a tacky ghetto hood rat in denial.  BUT, I could have been a better husband, youth or no, and then she would have had the chance to be a better wife.  Being a better couple, it follows that BJ and Skye would have been better served and we'd have better relationships all around.

I thought my music would take me to where I feel a little sorry for myself, and I could write from there.  But in my univerese, those are false emotions, and I just can't do it, and sometimes I try.  Even when I am naturally down, at some point, something will say, 'Get the F-- up!', and I do.

My Mother simply didn't let me do that crap.  For real.  When they would pick at the lone black kid playing hockey at Jack Adams, to the mean hoodlums at Taft Middle School, she made sure that I understood being a p----y was not an option for me.

There are two songs that I can bring up 'certain' feelings, that are less than good.  One is a Kenny Loggins song ... don't really remember the name of it, only that it talked about 'oh, what a lonely boy' in it.

I think it came out in the late spring-early summer of my 8th grade year.  I had noticed a change in our relationship.  We seemed to spend less time together, and she seemed to be less involved with me.

One day, that song came on theradio, and it made me cry.  My Mom heard me, and she put me in the car and we went out somewhere together.  I know what came of the talk was my first glimpse into the pressures of a single Mother having to find a way to raise 5 children alone.  From that conversation, I took to understand that I was going to have to make my way on my own ... and from that moment on, rightly or wrongly, I started to go off on my own direction.

My Mom always, always had my back.  Do I wish she could have been more involved?  Yeah, but she couldn't.  Jan was a needy girl, for too many reasons to list (sorta like AKA).  Her evny issues lead her to be a thankless, unapprieciative child, and just a horrible adult.

I hold her SOLELY responsible for the division in our family prior to and subsquent to our Mother's transition.  I don't care about or for her.  Period.

She brought my First Wife into our family at my expense.  She alone was the source of all the ill feelings towards me, and why they embraced and took my wife side in the divorce.  I think about what it would have been like if I had to come back home, instead of keeping on chasing my life, what would have happened.

Yes Audrey, it would have been ugly.  'Cops' or a 'Maury' kind of ugly and ignorance.  I only can help Jan in a cats paw fashion.  I may half speak to a family memeber, or help them, and let them help her.

Were she to catch fire, she would not draw my spittle.

When it comes to the rift between my sibs and I, that is not on me, I could care less what anyone says.  Jan is a color-struck, self-hating, imbecile, who is not deserving of anything good.  She looks out for herself, and embodies Schoepanauer's definition of a 'scoundrel' to a tee.

That day spent with my Mom, she talked to me about how my 'time' had passed and she had to spend more time with the younger children.  She would be 'there' for me, but she HAD to be more 'there' for the rest, particularly Jan.  Her issues merited attention, and I agreed.  So it would go on, that I would strike out and do what I do ...

Next:  No, as you can see, I am not immune to anger OR self-pity ...


luvrte66 said...

Mark, what a shame that the "squeaky wheel got the grease" at the expense of you and your feelings. It sounds like you had to make your own pathway in many ways, and I can see why you would feel angry about that at times. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I hope you get back to chillin' and can have a great weekend.


P.S. Thanks for the happy b-day wishes! {{HUG}}

malagutigrrl said...

I take it that Jan is your sister... how many of you are there? And where in the line do the two of you fall?

lv2trnscrb said...

I can totally sympathize with both you and your mom and see both sides; you needing more of your mom and your mom stretched as thin as she could go and still needing to be stretched some more; I'm sorry it had to be like this; you know she did love you and tried her hardest; I'm sorry for all the stress/strife that Jan caused in all of your lifes


buckoclown said...

Have a good weekend Mark, and may it get you back to a'chillin :o)

abaleman666 said...

the piece about nebraska the person and your feelings re her was beautiful.  i hope she gets the chance to read that. does she read your blog?

re the dearborn thing.  i never knew people had a color until i lived here.  in mass it was all about people, here it became all about race.  thank god i already knew that it was wrong to see people only for a color....that's the one value my mom taught me that meant something.  and yes, i remember when mayor hubbard died and i remember that it said 'keep dearborn clean' on the street sweepers and people having to show proof of residency to get into camp dearborn.

have a good holiday!