Sunday, August 31, 2008

Getting to the trash ..!


So the story about 'feeling sorry' for myself will be short.  For most of the 90's, the song that I let (because the irony was that it absoutely didn't) define me, was the Smith's 'How Soon Is Now?'  I let the lyrics seep into my character, and though as I moved about the landscape as a rake, I would throw myself on the bed, full of sadness because I had '... left the club on your own and I would go home and cry and want to die'.

If that wasn't the biggest piece of crap to have told myself.  In high school, it may have been plausible.  Didn't go to my prom because I didn't want to subject myself to the rejection and humiliation of having people say, "With you?"

The misfit girl who I thought would be a 'person of interest' dropped the deathless line, "Mark, it is about supply and demand, and what you supply isn't in demand."

Ouch.  So when I heard songs like "I Wanna Be Adored" and "Voices Carry", I would make them fit me.  But nothing seemed to fit like "How Soon Is Now?"  And I would go on, feeling sorry for myself (only a little, but sometimes a little is more than enough).

I get a little mad at myself for the time I lost being a F--k to people, because I was still letting some slights that I had no reason to let bother me, bother me.

Do I hope that I made penance with the committment I made with Mookie?  Sure I do.  And if not, then I am at peace with the idea that I have fumbled all the love and happiness of a great relationship away.  I have really enjoyed my chances, and even though I might not have found a way to make a relationship 'click', I think that I did do my best.


When I finally caught that 'Mournful Morrissey' was a virus infecting my emotional system, I decided to take another tack, really cast a gaze internally.  I feel moved, for what ever reasons, to be a part of a relationship.  I realize at this particular juncture, that is a unique and difficult perspective for most people to understand.

At this point in my life, I have accepted that I am not going to be the internationally renowned boxer-social activist, talk show host,  movie star cum author that I had onced hoped.  There is some of that I can get, and I will try to reach for it.  Sitting with fellow adults, and hearing them complain about material needs and material things, letting their fear of not having something that is subjective at best, insignificant at worst, makes my head spin.

If you are 'here', then unless you pull the right slot machine lever, you won't ever get 'there', as far as material things go.  Take a plane to China or take a train to Spain, go around the world again and again, is no longer a realistic thing for me, OR many of my peers to be expecting. Letting your reach exceed your grasp is a good thing to motivate you, but not to be blindly consumed by.  Don't ever forget to take what you CAN grab, and realize it is just as good, even though they are 'milky minutes'!

My plan for myself, is to get into a decent schedule, where I am going to the YMCA, which is not a block from my favourite branch of the Detroit Public Library, where I make most of my entries, two times a week.  I spent last week, 'punishing' myself by running 5 straight days, along with getting in 200 miles on my bike, to kick of the change in my training.  Gonna get some resistance bands (which are an absolute must, along with the right size stability ball for home workouts), and keep calling the darn hotel, until they tell me to stop!  In fact, tomorrow I am going to make an appearance, maybe talk to personnel.

With Skye, I have decided to take a more aggressive approach, which includes making her and her crap Mom deal with that 'monitored visitation'.  See, she is still a minor child, and I am not going to let her go thru her life not knowing my side of the story, which is pretty short.  I didn't give her Mom a chance to be a wife, BUT her Mom did try to jump me many times, and subsquent to our divorce, have spent much time talking bad about me to anyone who she could.  I know this to be true, because THEY HAVE TOLD ME. 

This leads me to believe that you have heard nothing but crap about me, and if so, I don't think that I would want to know me either.  But your Mom was wrong, and some time in your life, you will get it.  If you don't, that will be sad, but as you know, your sisters and I have things going.  They have tried to reach you but YOU didn't reach back.

Why?  I don't care.  All this is going to become YOUR CROSS.  I am going to make myself available to you, and your BLOOD SISTERS have as well.  It is a crap thing, you calling people you have no relations to other than social anything other than 'friends', but that is you.

Does your Father love you?  Yes he does.  Is he sorry for how things have turned out?  Would turn back time to make things different.  Does he feel obligated to you?  That is why I am here, now.

But there are other obligations to be kept.  You want to believe in the crap philosophy of the 'hood', be my guest.  But you won't ever be able to say that I didn't love you and didn't want to be a part of your life.

Now, this isn't something I am going spit out on day one or anything.  But it is how I feel, and I have time to move her in a different direction.  Just know that this isn't going to be pretty and I don't think that it is going to be easy.  I can't express how poisioned she is against me ... the only time that we really had a good time, was when her Mom was married ... her STEP FATHER directly intervened ... as to why he left? 

Her  Mother lied to him.  She didn't tell him that she was 'fixed' and when he wanted to have a child of his own, with his wife (he didn't have any), he couldn't because she told him a lie.

At least that is what my sources on the ground told me ...

Next:  Finally done with that mess ..!


naperdillygirl said...

Your issues seem so tangled, but you seem like such a strong person that you'll get through this and then some.  I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.  I have read your journal before, but was too afraid to comment.  Not anymore!  You've visited mine once too.  Thanks for sharing, and I hope you find that support for you will come in all the right places with friends on here!  Sue

lv2trnscrb said...

good morning Mark! very deep entry (as usual) but again I admire your writing, your plans, your decisiveness, your drive, your ability to see your faults and admit them, even though it can be painful at times to admit where "we went wrong", but you are willing to see that and to see what you can do to make amends. I do hope Skye chooses to believe you rather than the lies of others and chooses to have a relationship with you; there are so many kids out there that would "die" to have a relationship with a parent who doesn't want to have that relationship; the roles are reversed here and I hope she sees what she is missing by not coming to know you.

wow, lots of working out!!! just don't overdo, but of course, you know your body best

take care of yourself,


luvrte66 said...

I'm glad you stopped defining yourself with Morrissey. Kind of a downer!!

I hope you're able to convey those sentiments to Skye. I believe you will one day.


buckoclown said...

Mark, I think you have made a great transition on how you perform your self reflection.  You are so very aware of your strenghts and weaknesses, and your inner spirit and goodness always show through.  Be content that your side of the story will someday be known.