Monday, August 4, 2008

Making Excuses

LONDON ...

... is a cool song by the Smiths.   Seems to me to be a song of someone leaving home, finding their life.  The line " ... did you see jealousy in the eyes of the ones you left behind", is appropriate for what I found when I came back to Detroit in the late '90's.  Most of it was coming from Jan, and her venom had infected my sibs, and to some extent, my Mom as well.  The whole circumstance is difficult to describe, as thinking about it is very unpleasant and I don't want to anaylze it, as everyone has moved past it.

My sister Jan, is a 'hater'.  Bitter about her failings too.  This is a little foreshadow.

ON THE PAINTED DESERT

A beautiful song by Boom Boom Satellites.  That is the song for Tee Jay, who was the best person ever in my life.  From our unlikely first meeting, up until the very last day, she was the brightest star in my sky.

When we first met, working for a local car wash chain, I was in a 'happy place.'  Nowadays, people throw 'I'm a do me', around, not realizing what it really means.  In the late 90's, I wanted to plot the 'mid' of my life, in order to avoid the 'crisis'.  So I wasn't out actively 'pinging' for company or anything.  Then one day, a location was down personell, and I volunteered to go and fill in.  And that is when I saw HER.

She was there when I clocked in.  It was one of those kinds of meeting that seem to stretch for hours, event if it lasted only minutes.  From the superficial judgement of seeing her as 'ghetto fabulous', to walking to my post with my heart beating like hummingbird's wings, took all of maybe two minutes.

Outside, I was asking myself, "Is she REALLY the one?"  I asked a few of the cats I was working with about her, and they smiled as they answered my questions.  A lot of people was attracted to her, and I would discover why.

One cat offered to 'hook me up', but I waved him away, as I fly my missions unassisted.  Because I had planned on going out on a date with myself (I date me, when there is no one else to do it for me!), I put it out to her that she could come to, that is, if she was interested in going out on a nice evening and then coming home with her hair not mussed!  She said she was, and so began the best relationship I have ever been a part of.

There were bumps and some bruises.  Pecan Sandie wasn't keen about her at all, and she had some stray alley cat that didn't want to take the hint.  But every time we had a challenge, we grew stronger together, which is what made the ending even more peculiar.

I called this entry, "Making Excuses", because like I had proven to her, Tee Jay had shown to be THE go-to person in my life.  At the time, we had hit a bump in the road, something that was pretty small.  It blew up into something and then before we could get it resolved ...

... my Mother passed.

Tee Jay would later say that I was going thru some things, dealing with my snake of a sister Jan.  She also knew how close I was with my Mother, and that it had an effect on me, prolly making me do things that I wouldn't normally do.  But she was being kind in saying that.  What ever brought out my 'inner a-hole', got me to instead of turning to her for support, to moving away from her.

After I got my head out of my butt, she was gone, in a relationship with a decent enough cat.  She seemed happy, and I wanted that for her more than I wanted her for myself.  Did I try to get her back?  What I called 'getting her back', is barely worth mentioning.  I really believe in giving people their space, and I did think that I had lost a sure thing ...

I didn't think that I would get another shot at anyone quite as special as Tee Jay.  There have been enough sleepless nights spent looking into the dark trying to see what it was that I did wrong with her.  I keep coming back to when I needed someone to be there for me, she was there, and I chose not to let her be there ...

... anyway, I knew that I could hang with a girl from the block, and I almost got one to marry me.  That Mookie was too 'upstate' and we were too different doesn't wash.  Tee Jay is as 'Detroit' as it gets, and she was right there for me.  Mookie hasn't grown and isn't as evolved. 

Besides, not all college girls are the same ... evidenced by Pecan Sandie and AKA.

4 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

very insightful entry, Mark; thanks for filling in some details too about Tee Jay and your relationship, how you met, etc. Would have been interesting to know what would have happened had your mom not passed, but we know that we can't live in "should have beens, or what ifs" and have to live in today with what we got based on choices we made or choices made for us by things we can't control.

hows the job going??

betty

malagutigrrl said...

Hey dude, haven't been feeling well but I HAVE been reading you still... just haven't had it in me to comment.  Wanted to stick my head in and say hi, though.  And I miss commenting.  Can't wait to get back to my old self...
xo
MJ

toonguykc said...

Yeah...if you want to really ruin a day, week, month -- you can bog your thoughts down with 'what if's and 'if only's.  I try not to do it, but it still happens sometimes.

hug,
Russ

luvrte66 said...

We can never know how we'll react to stressful circumstances. I'm sorry that things ended the way they did with Tee Jay, but it is counterproductive to regret overly much. You saw how things can be, and know what you want...and know that it's something to strive for.

All my best,
Beth