Friday, August 1, 2008

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

... and One to Grow On ...

Now, thinking about this group of women in my life has actually been an exercise to show the breadth of my experience with women.  Then I thought, 'But Mark, you KNOW you have been with different kinds of people ... you don't have to doubt what it is you know!!'.

And that is true.  I don't.  But I do think I should gloss over a few things ...

Mookie has been judged as a hypocrite.  She is also a memeber of the 'Single Mother's Club', that group of super confused, yearing women who are totally incapable of managing any kind of relationship, as they overvalue themselves and can't recognize where their own shortcomings and contribution to their own unhappiness lie.

She was a more mature woman when she was a teenager.

The biggest things that stand out; She did tell me that she wanted something different from the jerks she had dealt with in the past ... but I guess she really didn't want that.  She made a choice not to deal with lil' Mook's father and I feel she resented the arrangements that had been made with me and mine (remember, at the start of 'Mookie-time, Skye and I were pretty cool) ... maybe some resentment ..? 

Anyway, that is another discussion that prolly will NEVER happen.  Why?  Because I don't care.  When I call you a 'hypocrite' and can say with my lips that 'I don't care' ...  ooh, those are among the 'Deathless words and phrases' meant to let you know that there are no more nerves left to stand on, there are no more chances left.  She has exhausted whatever reserves I had left.

Yeah, she is a hypocrite, as she is going to put upon someone, what she can't bring herself around to deal with.  That crap about 'marriage not being important to her as it is to me'?  Were she a guy and said that, I would have beat her to a fair-thee-well.  That was A LIE.  Our entire relationship was predicated on ending in marriage, otherwise I WOULD HAVE LEFT HER ALONE ...

... talk about having no tears for someone.  I better had learned from that experience, otherwise it was ... well, nevermind.

She said she wanted something different ... but she didn't, not like the lady I have paired her with, Tee Jay.


I am as insecure as anyone else, I reckon.  I know what they are, which is why when someone likes my darling brother, I figure that they are good to go for me to.  I mean, a swishy gay cat in the homophobic urban jungle of Detroit?  Between me and my Army sister, there were plenty of picked up gauntlets thrown at his feet.  Not that we had to fight alot, but the few that we did, we sent a message with them.

Now I have my 'ways', and they are just me.  Anything that says 'big city' about me, is mere affectation, a residual from being born and raised in one.  I like the medium to small places, out of the way and unaffected by pretense.  So when I think about Carolina it is with wistfulness.  Georgia tries to be a little 'uppity', at least that is what I feel about the Atl.  But I could hang.

Back to the thought at hand.  So as Tee Jay and I got to know one another, we pick at the contrasts between us.  Finally, I flat out asked her why she let me take her out, go out with a cat of my type ...

... and her answer was, " I had been telling myself that I wanted something different, and I knew you were different."

No one ever had before, and no one has since, gave me such an answer to that question ...

... the right one.



buckoclown said...

Thanks for telling us what she said :o)  You are different, and you are a gem, shining bright and brilliant.

malagutigrrl said...

Not that this has anything to do with anything but I got change the other day.  A few quarters...  later on I started to spend one until I took a better look at it.  It was a Nebraska quarter.  And rather than let it slip through my fingers I put it in my other pocket... It makes me think of you.

lv2trnscrb said...

you are uniquely different Mark; that's why I enjoy reading your journal so much; you do walk to a different tune that a lot of people do

have to say the title to this journal entry had me going for just a minute wondering where this was going to go

its sad to be around a hypocrite isn't it? its sad for them

(great news, I'll probably write about it in a round about way as an entry, but that son of mine landed a job today; thank you Lord :)


luvrte66 said...

Hi from California, Mark! Just reading a bit and trying not to get too far behind.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that being told you were "different" was the right answer. Someone recently mentioned my "uniqueness," and I can't begin to tell you how wonderful that made me feel. As the Kinks say, "I'm not like everybody else." What a compliment, and what a rare treat to have someone appreciate it in you. It's one of the reasons I enjoy reading you so much.

Love, Beth

lisa41076 said...

Mark, you are different but that's what makes you so great :) Hugs Lisa