Friday, July 18, 2008

Staying On Track ...

CLEAN UP

... I DID forget to mention that I found my little notebook!  The pages were soaked, so I gently pulled them apart and laid them on the floor to dry.  The main thing is that I got what I wanted out of it, and still have the meaning of its essence present in my life!

It also serves as a microcosm of how I aim to see the rest of my life.

PUNISHMENT RUN

Not that I EVER think of working out as punishment.  But it is the frame of mind, TO PUNISH not BEING PUNISHED that I am thinking from.  Tuesday was a long, wearying but highly productive day ... one which will be the subject of an entry next week. 

But a 'punishment run' is to evoke the images of a rough and tough fight, one that you have to 'break down' your opponent.  You have to 'take some to get some' and that is why I call it a 'punishment run'.  It is where you earn the right to get fit, by pushing yourself when you could call it a day.  The New Balance ad campaign currently is about the love/hate relationship you have with running.  Good ads, and they hit it right on.  Worth paying a little more attention to, if you are a regular runner or even if you think you want to start getting more fit, as you get a heads up on what to expect.

NEBRASKA

The person.

She is prettier than I thought she COULD be.  Her words, when she speaks float through the air and I feel alert, as I don't want to miss an utterance.  Just a weekend you say?  Well, how much do you need to know before you know?

How it works for me, is that there are ALWAYS signs more than intent.  I never just look at a girl and thinks she is hot and go after her.  There is always something 'special' for me and to me.  Whenever I think back to meeting my first wife, and how unremarkable for me that occasion was ... anyway, there has never been a time where there wasn't a 'ping' for me.  I think that I am lucky that way ... sometimes I get 'readings' even when I am not trying, as if my radar activates when something comes into my 'airspace', if you will.

Whatever brought us together, she always registered a 'ping'.  Why? I can't say, which is why Russ' comment about 'thinking' hangs with me.  Einstein said things should be made as simple as they can be, but not to simple.  So with that in mind, and remember, this is supposed to be understood by ME, and if anyone else gets it, cool, but don't try too hard to, is some of why I feel like I do about Nebraska.

When I was a kid watching Johnny Rodgers on the College Football Highlight shows (he and Connie Hawkins are the first two athletes to have penetrated my child mind and stay), I always have paid a little more attention whenever I would hear 'Nebraska' in the news.  I have a feeling for the place.

Nebraska LOOKS like I want my partner to look, and her voice is the voice I want to answer to, the one that I want to scold me for leaving the seat up, and whose voice is the one I want to fill with emotion when I give her gifts.  For me, it is all so simple, that it gets frustrating that someone could doubt my feelings as being true.  This has always happened for me, finding myself smitten.  Yet because of my LIFE'S EXPERIENCE, I know that the world is different, and that I can't just run out into the street with out looking.

Now, with the internet dating thing so prevalent and with so many people using alternative ways to meet and find love and romance, I sort of get a little gristly when she says 'she doesn't see how I could be feeling ...' and you can plug in the affirming adjective.  I have to remind myself, that she doesn't have to 'see', because I KNOW that it IS.

Denial.

That is what I would be doing if I did not push further with her.  Living in denial of all the things that matter and make sense TO ME.  I have my challenges, and when I get to her, I will tell her them.  If she would like to sit in on a session, she will be allowed.  I am not going to hide anything.  I want to go on forward with a happy and growing relationship.

When the Skimmie called me the other day, one of our topics was internet relationships.  Not only is she willing to have one, she has dated cats she met on line and would EVEN MOVE if the relationship required it.  It is a matter of course that I would do something like that because I ALREADY HAVE.

She asked if I had given any thought to My Delta Girl and asked if I have thought about going back to Carolina, since I call it 'home'.  Yes, it is always there because home is always in your heart.  But I have my sights set on Nebraska, and whatever else happens, will happen.

As I have been considering a major change in my philosophy, one of the pillars has been my desire to find a partner for life.  I had always felt that life is best shared, and I want to find someone and share life.

But Mookie didn't think that finding that person was 'that important'.  Other 'Ex List' folks have me thinking ... and honestly, I don't want to over think ... this has been a running topic, because I am not filling my thought with 'detritus'.

Think about what I want to think about.  And I think about Nebraska.  A lot.

Don't want to bore y'all with the monotony of my mooning over her.  But I do in my heart.  Which is why I had to tell her that when I get there, it will be HER DECISION to set the boundaries. If she wants more than a 'friendship', she will HAVE TO SAY SO.  I have only the 'no benefits' thing ... because that only complicates relationship.  Again ... EXPERIENCE. 

As to being happy without her ... yeah, I will be, and that isn't just talk.  The Susan Ager column in last Sunday's Freep http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008807130634, along with Beth and Bucko's relationship (or at least how I view it) only strengthened my resolve and deepened my desire for 'my love and light of my eyes' to stand before me...

... and she will.

6 comments:

luvrte66 said...

Mark,

You just made me cry. But they're good tears.

Beth

malagutigrrl said...

Kudos to you for still having it in you to search for love.  My heart is heavy and old and tired and doesn't think it has it in it to try again.  Good thing I enjoy being single!
xoxo
MJ

toonguykc said...

Maybe it's just been a long week, but I find just the thought of starting a new relationship exhausting.  I'm glad you have energy!  ;)

Russ

buckoclown said...

Interpol, way cool.  I listened as I read your entry.

Mark, thanks for finding inspiration from Beth's and my relationship.  I know that what we have is special, and makes me so happy :o)

I am confident that you will have the same - you have a wonderful soul and romance about you that will provide a wonderful future.

Ken,
http://journals.aol.com/buckoclown/Bucko

lv2trnscrb said...

I've said it before, but I'll say it again here, Mark, what you set out to do in your life, you do achieve it, you have the determination and the thinking to see this through; I believe your love and the light of your eyes will indeed be standing before you one day; it was neat to read of your devotion to her and how you feel about Nebraska; I do believe it is possible to have a relationship with someone over the internet and to deeply fall in love with someone even before you meet them in person; I used to know someone who lived overseas, met someone online that lived in California; he came to visit and asked her to marry him and the rest was history; she packed up and moved to California; they are happily married (I lost touch, but I'm thinking with the love I saw that they had, they are still happily married)

and I think I get it with exercise; I have a love/hate relationship with it; when I start my workout, I'm dreading how long it will be, but as I get into it, I do enjoy the benefits of it

so glad you found your notebook!

betty

abaleman666 said...

i dont have a concept of permanent or forever.  i dont really know how to look into the future and see things long term ( for example thinking about the next term at school is the closest i have ever came to a long term life plan) so whenever i see or hear or read about people talking about the long term with other people it fascinates me.  it must work sometimes and for some people. otherwise our culture would not embrace it.  i hope it continues to work for you mark,  but for me, its a concept that makes no sense (does that make me a nilhist of sorts?)  anyways i really do hope it works out.  and the bus story was good.  and i am glad you found your notebook.