... I DID forget to mention that I found my little notebook! The pages were soaked, so I gently pulled them apart and laid them on the floor to dry. The main thing is that I got what I wanted out of it, and still have the meaning of its essence present in my life!
It also serves as a microcosm of how I aim to see the rest of my life.
Not that I EVER think of working out as punishment. But it is the frame of mind, TO PUNISH not BEING PUNISHED that I am thinking from. Tuesday was a long, wearying but highly productive day ... one which will be the subject of an entry next week.
But a 'punishment run' is to evoke the images of a rough and tough fight, one that you have to 'break down' your opponent. You have to 'take some to get some' and that is why I call it a 'punishment run'. It is where you earn the right to get fit, by pushing yourself when you could call it a day. The New Balance ad campaign currently is about the love/hate relationship you have with running. Good ads, and they hit it right on. Worth paying a little more attention to, if you are a regular runner or even if you think you want to start getting more fit, as you get a heads up on what to expect.
She is prettier than I thought she COULD be. Her words, when she speaks float through the air and I feel alert, as I don't want to miss an utterance. Just a weekend you say? Well, how much do you need to know before you know?
How it works for me, is that there are ALWAYS signs more than intent. I never just look at a girl and thinks she is hot and go after her. There is always something 'special' for me and to me. Whenever I think back to meeting my first wife, and how unremarkable for me that occasion was ... anyway, there has never been a time where there wasn't a 'ping' for me. I think that I am lucky that way ... sometimes I get 'readings' even when I am not trying, as if my radar activates when something comes into my 'airspace', if you will.
Whatever brought us together, she always registered a 'ping'. Why? I can't say, which is why Russ' comment about 'thinking' hangs with me. Einstein said things should be made as simple as they can be, but not to simple. So with that in mind, and remember, this is supposed to be understood by ME, and if anyone else gets it, cool, but don't try too hard to, is some of why I feel like I do about Nebraska.
When I was a kid watching Johnny Rodgers on the College Football Highlight shows (he and Connie Hawkins are the first two athletes to have penetrated my child mind and stay), I always have paid a little more attention whenever I would hear 'Nebraska' in the news. I have a feeling for the place.
Nebraska LOOKS like I want my partner to look, and her voice is the voice I want to answer to, the one that I want to scold me for leaving the seat up, and whose voice is the one I want to fill with emotion when I give her gifts. For me, it is all so simple, that it gets frustrating that someone could doubt my feelings as being true. This has always happened for me, finding myself smitten. Yet because of my LIFE'S EXPERIENCE, I know that the world is different, and that I can't just run out into the street with out looking.
Now, with the internet dating thing so prevalent and with so many people using alternative ways to meet and find love and romance, I sort of get a little gristly when she says 'she doesn't see how I could be feeling ...' and you can plug in the affirming adjective. I have to remind myself, that she doesn't have to 'see', because I KNOW that it IS.
That is what I would be doing if I did not push further with her. Living in denial of all the things that matter and make sense TO ME. I have my challenges, and when I get to her, I will tell her them. If she would like to sit in on a session, she will be allowed. I am not going to hide anything. I want to go on forward with a happy and growing relationship.
When the Skimmie called me the other day, one of our topics was internet relationships. Not only is she willing to have one, she has dated cats she met on line and would EVEN MOVE if the relationship required it. It is a matter of course that I would do something like that because I ALREADY HAVE.
She asked if I had given any thought to My Delta Girl and asked if I have thought about going back to Carolina, since I call it 'home'. Yes, it is always there because home is always in your heart. But I have my sights set on Nebraska, and whatever else happens, will happen.
As I have been considering a major change in my philosophy, one of the pillars has been my desire to find a partner for life. I had always felt that life is best shared, and I want to find someone and share life.
But Mookie didn't think that finding that person was 'that important'. Other 'Ex List' folks have me thinking ... and honestly, I don't want to over think ... this has been a running topic, because I am not filling my thought with 'detritus'.
Think about what I want to think about. And I think about Nebraska. A lot.
Don't want to bore y'all with the monotony of my mooning over her. But I do in my heart. Which is why I had to tell her that when I get there, it will be HER DECISION to set the boundaries. If she wants more than a 'friendship', she will HAVE TO SAY SO. I have only the 'no benefits' thing ... because that only complicates relationship. Again ... EXPERIENCE.
As to being happy without her ... yeah, I will be, and that isn't just talk. The Susan Ager column in last Sunday's Freep http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008807130634, along with Beth and Bucko's relationship (or at least how I view it) only strengthened my resolve and deepened my desire for 'my love and light of my eyes' to stand before me...
... and she will.