Thursday, July 24, 2008

Paradox, Paradigms, and Hypocrisy

ANXIOUS BECAUSE ...

... I missed a scheduled day of work.  Put the wrong date in my phone, so we will see.  Cross your fingers!

PARADIGMS

For some reason, I have always liked that buzzword.  You hear it thrown around when someone is talking to a big group at work, trying to make something sound important ... a 'Dilbert word' that the pointy-haired guy would use in the wrong way.

But it is a real word, and it does mean something.  My paradigm is one shaped by abstraction and the sense I make of the world.  Never questioned it, just did it.  Part of why I started this, was to help me make heads or tails of where I was in my mind.

One of the ways that my therapist helped me was by helping me find myself.  I had gotten a little lost and was very lonely as Mookie began to pull away.  One of the things that concerned me was some of the stories I have heard about guys like Warren 'Rampage' Jackson and many former football players.  But the theory I have had since I knew how to pronounce 'Anifowoshe', still holds.

Also, I seem to stumble on plenty of stories of people who deal with something similar as I am in their lives, and manage QUITE WELL.  Why can't I be one of those?  Only one way to find out, and that is to first BELIEVE that the most postive outcome is there for you.

Sure, it takes some effort.  You have to 'Cowboy Up' and 'Behave Like A Fighter' at times.  You do what you have to do.  I read in a story that "if you ain't watchin' life, you won't know what to do with the life you have."  I think that is true.

Coming out here, was my way of not only 'living' but 'watching others live'.  I can say that I have learned a great many things from exchanging thoughts and snapshots of life on the net, and I really appreciate the feedback.  After all, I am still going to do what I think I am going to do, per "Imperial Thinking". 

While there are different things that make up my model, the one aspect that I talk about the most, that takes up the largest of the slices, is my desire to be in love.  If that is what makes ME tick, then so what?  I am the one that have to find the balance, and not be frightenend because it is hard.  That has never been my problem, focus has been.  It is a bigger challenge now, that I am dealing ... well, I will let others fill in the rest.  But I never quit believing that I can have what I ask for out of life.

In fact, I just can't do it, not expect what I want.  My first trainer used to tell me to 'make the suffering count', when I was fighting.  He meant all the time running before school and sparring with guys who were older AND better than me.  In short, all the hard work I had done to bring me to the fight needs to mean something.

Those who have shared there thoughts out here, makes my resolve that much stronger.  Being out here has made my 'dark nights' less a pitch and more 'deep navy'.  I can see my hands in front of my face ... can make out shapes in the shadows.  Sometimes, there is even a night light in the hall for me to find my way.  And since I am not on a train track, I can resonably believe that the light ahead of me, is the light to a brighter and better path.

When I first felt Mookie wasn't 'into' our relationship, it was because my 'suffering' didn't mean as much to her.  I was in love with her, and didn't want to lose her.  But things being what they were, and with therapy helping me to again to trust what I know, I had to cowboy up, and do what I had to do...

... which was to love her more, and be extra good to her daughter, lil' Mook.  Because it wasn't going to work out, but I wanted to eliminate any questions of WHAT I DID to maintain the relationship.  That I left, is because SHE DIDN'T want it, and that is how I feel and needed to know.  Because under my paradigm, the idea of 'win back' something that I should have already clearly earned, is beyond me.  I won't do it.  If you don't want me, I won't bother you ... PERIOD.

Yes, I miss the Mook's ... but lil' Mook isn't a writer and I don't think she knows what to do with her emotions towards me.  She had a time getting over the previous camper her Mom was with ... does she miss me?  As important as that is, it isn't right now, or will be, to me and my life ... and that is because of ...

PARADOX

No, really.  I am simplfiying things.  That is howI can 'see the future'.

Because I don't intend on coming back to Detroit to live, I try to keep things as simple as I can.  Not over simplification for the sake of being simple, but simple enough.

Doesn't work out 100% of the time (otherwise, I would know if I was still employed right now!), but it has been consistently in the 90's since May.  I have things prioritzed in order: of importantance, by date, and by what I can do alone.  I don't mind shutting off a lot of things (AKA and I have talked ... she is in Penn. with a niece who is in a tennis tourney), and I go at my pace.  All I am focused on, is getting things done and that I have allowed myself 18 months (from May) to do them, keeps me from feeling rushed.

The wheels of bureacracy moves slow.  So I am just going to let them do what they do.  The thing that matters is I have to do what I supposed to do, to get them started.

... well, that time went fast ... going to get into how it is that I can see the future ..!

Enjoy Rush (2112, Moving Pictures ... and MORE!)

4 comments:

luvrte66 said...

If someone doesn't believe that they can achieve something, or that they deserve it, what motivation do they have to work for it? None.

You know what you want, and you have the dedication and motivation to get it. I'd say you're on your way.

(Fingers crossed about the job, by the way!)

Beth

lv2trnscrb said...

Beth said wise words; I agree with her!! I like that you have a time table too and it is not a short unrealistic one; 18 months seems reasonable and doable to accomplish what you want to do while you are in Detroit; and I know you are realistic to move up that timeline or to lengthen it if you have to because I know when your original thought was to leave Mookie and when it actually happened; you are goal-oriented and dedicated to achieving it; I know you will succeed in it

I wouldn't sweat it too much about missing the shift; it was an honest mistake; it wasn't like you intentionally didn't want to show up; hope the employer shows a bit of compassion regarding it

betty

buckoclown said...

As long as you keep focused on the future, then that allows you to truly learn from the past.  Keep on plan, and keep thinking of the love that you want, and it will become truth :o)

csandhollow said...

I hope the job is ok.

I am glad that you had somewhere to turn to. I sometimes(most of the time) feel very alone with what I am going thru. A punching bag would feel good right now.