...At least as much as I can be ...
My first wife is off on Tuesday, so I will go out to where they are on that day. I am nervous, tense, and very excited. I happened upon some people and I will share that meet later, but I told them that I don't mind how someone speaks to me, if I give them that permission, you know, like a partner/wife or good friend. I prefer trying to make it happen then going over the roughened feathers. I think that is a bit of a flaw, as I mentioned with my marriage and perhaps with Mookie, they needed someone with more of the 'brute' in him than I have.
But that is debatable ...
A DIFFERENT KIND OF LONELINESS
I would get lonely up there with the Mook's. Now, I am not sure if it is loneliness or anxiety. Right this moment, I feel a bit lost though I know that I got here by way of work and direction. I am on the path I should be on, and that keeps me calm. It just seems that where I am determined to go, wherever it is and whenever I will leave, is further away from here than I thought.
This feeling will pass, but I am feelilng it RIGHT NOW. It hangs in the air like smoke and it chokes off the oxygen in the air, making it difficult to breathe. No, I haven't allowed my emotions to 'break containment' and call anyone -- not being a drinker, the 'drunk call' is not in my repetoire (you know, this is flowing kind of good ... maybe I CAN be a writer ..!), so I can't make one and then use that as an excuse for calling. Even when I have drunk, and I have downed a fifth of cognac in a matter of hours, albeit I was prolly 19 when I did it, I have never been so out of sorts from alcohol that I could use it as a reason I did something stupid.
No Penolope, I have been completely lucid when ever I have screwed up and messed up my life. Dag!
'The Lonelies' got on me really bad last night. I wanted to give her a call, missing hearing a soft, smooth voice so bad. Would have been easy to pick up the phone and dial her up. I don't need more of a reason than just wanting to hear her voice, but I didn't call her.
Mookie that is. I miss something, but I am not at all sure that it is her, and I don't want to take steps where I am uncertain. Besides, I do think that I gave her my best efforts, so I don't think I didn't put into the relationship. So in my mind, after I say 'Hello', what more would I have to say to her?
"Nice weather we're having?"
I don't have any regrets to my participation in our relationship. What didn't work, what didn't turn out as planned, just didn't. I know with out one once of regret or doubt that I gave as much as I could and then pushed beyond what I thought I had. That kind of limits what I would say, you know? What, I am going to love you not only better than anyone has before (which I was told at one time, that I did), but even more than that? Ooh, I know, I promise to bet a better father to someone else's child, while my two younger girls wonder why they aren't getting more time with me, and my eldest prolly resents me (my guess ... prolly not at all far off) for having to share me with lil' Mook.
What, would I have to say to her? Oh, I know. I am willing not only to submit to the second class treatment of my needs and desires, but I am willing to be a serf to your ladyship? Man, the problem isn't dialing the numbers and saying 'Hello'. The problems start AFTER that.
That is why I don't call.
LOVEFOOL (say that you love me)
Because I KNOW that I am wanting someone right now, I also realise it is the charicature of Mookie, her smooth soft skin, her light ruby complexion, her curves and the prettiest set of lips east of the Missippi on a mouth that I have seen, that is wanting to make that call.
She is so pretty. And she is a wonderful person too. What could have happen to us, that had us be so far apart? What was it that caused us to lose our way in our relationship, what was it that I could have done to save our love?
When we spoke when se gave back the ring, she told me that, "being married wasn't that important to her", something she could have shared with me back near the beginning of our 'restart', sometime after I told her how important it was for me. I think that women, black women particularly, give up on relationships, and hey, I have been a part of that. Hell, even SPECIFICALLY regarding Mookie. There comes a point and a time where a girl just shrugs her shoulders, looks at all the times she has been hurt, fooled, and left to care for either the child(ren) alone, or found herself at 36, single and without a clue on how to recognize a possible relationship, too spooked to come out and be that open again.
I have always imagined a 'coffee clatch' of women, sitting around talking about how good it is not to be worried about men, and that they didn't need love and marriage, or even a stable to relationship to make them feel like they had a full life...
... right. See, I have this brige in Brooklyn which is a great opportunity that I would like to offer you a chance to get in on ...
EVERYONE wants someone. I don't hear that 'I am good by myself' stuff. If that is what someone is going to work, then fine, I will let them. But that isn't for me. I will accept it if it doesn't happen, but I won't stop trying to find someone who wants to go to Alaska with me, or walk the Valley of Fire, or go take pitcures of the Grand Tetons. Someone wants someone to shop with them, to help them garden and share in the kitchen detail.
I will find her. Wouldn't be surprised if she is in Nebraska (the place). Maybe I was meant to be an I-back, and not heavyweight champion of the universe!
TODAY AT THE ASTORIA BAKERY
First, I am going to have to stop with that. Not only is it expensive, but I think that the reason I am floating around in my teens as far as weight, is because I keep eating those darned bakery pasteries! I love the cookies most of all, but there is so much there to eat.
A group of people from out of town happened to sit by me, and one of the older ladies (they were all older than me, 3 ladies in their early to mid 50's and a gentleman in the same bracket) happened to share Mookie's name! We struck up a conversation, and it seems she was getting over a divorce, only she was further along in her 'getting over', but still a little bitter.
I told her it would have been a little bit more understandable if it had been one of the 'Big 3', infidelity, money, or children. But it wasn't. Hers was similiar in respects to that, and she feels, like I do with Mookie, that her ex still loves her. But things happen for a reason, she concluded. She felt that she was doing better as she moved on.
Then one of the other ladies said to me, "Don't worry about you, you are going to do just fine."
I smiled. I think I will too.