Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Statis Check Method

TO RUSS AND RAVEN

The running and training thing are constants in my life.  I will prolly always do something along the lines of exercise as long as I can.  That helps deal with stress from whatever.  For that hour, sometimes two, I get to re-imagine myself and I even let my life go, and pretend that I am 'that guy', fighting in Las Vegas.  For me, bad feelings are always just a run, a workout from being eased.  All else fails, make cookies!

Besides, I have hurt worse.

FROM GREENSBORO TO MARQUETTE

Road that bus, alone for a little more than 26 hours.  I had only been to Northern Michigan once, and had no coaches with me.  But I got checked in, and got to where I needed to go, and I was confident that I was going to do well in the Trials, as I had beaten two of the cats before that were in my class, and I just felt that this was my time.

But it wasn't.  I missed my weigh in, and that was that, end of story.  I would have done better if I never came at all.  That hurt.  I was in a daze for months.  I had dropped out of school that spring ... didn't feel like going back that summer, and never did.  My Delta Girl did pick me up, and got me dusted off.  I found a decent enough job being a welder (!?!), and we had a nice relationship for a good while.

Then I lost her.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID "DiMAGGIO"

I was taking classes at the local community college, when I talked to a cat who boxed in town.  Eventually, I would get back into it, and started off fast when I turned pro.  I had told My Delta Girl that I wasn't going to pursue it as a career, that I would stay in school and just do the boxing 'for fun'.

That was a lie that I had told myself and to her.

Some cats told another cat who told the Jew Bastid who signed me up.  Delta Girl made it clear where she stood.  I asked for her to reconsider, but she wouldn't budge ...

Me, I thought that I was only acouple of fights away from making decent change, talking in the high 5 to low 6 figures, enough to pay down college loans, a small wedding and maybe a little house in the Carolinas.  But the best laid plans ...

I had just came back from losing a big (for me) in New Jersey when she gave me my papers.  They say it is the punch you don't see that gets you.  But I saw this one coming and STILL got hit by it.  How lost was I after that blow?  I can't think too hard about it, without my eyes stinging.  I was still stumbling around recklessly, bumping into Nixxie and then Pecan Sandie, and impacting THEIR lives as I wallowed in the 'why me' of emotional ... whatever you want to call it.

What on earth was wrong with me?  I have mentioned it before, because it is true.  I met nice women, but wasn't closing the deal.  Why?  What was wrong with me, that I could get near the goal line, but not carry the ball over.  As if I didn't do enough introspection, I went and looked inside of myself again.

SURVIVORS GUILT

I don't know, and I not saying this as a fact.  But according to my first wife, it is easier for most man to move on after a break up than it is most women.  It sure seems that way, judging from all the magazines and Maury Povich 'baby daddy' shows.  Whether it is or not, I know for me that 'recovery' has been something I thought I did rather well, if not quickly.  It wasn't until I broke up with Tee Jay, after four years of exclusive dating, that I wondered if I needed to take another step in finding a wife, because that is what I wanted.  Because like My Delta Girl, she was willing to stand by me during a difficult stretch despite our differences.  I was the one who couldn't find the way back.

I sat down, took some time off and really did some excavating.

HERE'S WHAT I CAME UP WITH

Yes Jennifer, this is a bit of a review.  Things are going well, but it is droning on.  I don't have a  clue of what is coming up next, only that I am looking forward to it.  Going out to Nebraska is going to be the right thing FOR ME ... not quite as worried about being the right thing for Nebraska (the person), though I would certainly like to have a shot at her.  Anyway ...

Why not go and see if anyone who you were with before, still have a thing for you?  It could happen, can't it?  Every now and then there is some story about people who once were this, life got in the way, and they don't get together for years, but when they do, it is magic.

We all want a little magic in our lives, don't we?

Maybe Mookie was still not the one.  We did have a good run, and that has to count for something.  I still think she is special and will always have a place in my heart for her.  Could we still be a  couple?  Yes and no.  Yes, because if she were to do something out of her character, to come and ask for me back before I was readying for launch.  No, because if you think I would ask her to try again, you would be mistaken.  As much as I put into our relationship for her to take for granted and/or discount, I shouldn't have to be the one who does the 'asking'.

Right now, I feel confident that I can go somewhere new, and thrive.  I would like to think that I can handle myself and be myself, which is why I thought I would 'go back to go forward', that by getting together with someone who 'knows me', that I could be not just who I am, but who I want to be, if that makes sense.

I have gotten my 'legs' back under me, and I do think that I can trust myself enough to get out into the world.  Haven't had anything untoward happen to me yet, and in this town that IS saying something!

TURNED INTO A RAMBLE, DIDN'T IT ..?

Because I am waiting for this filing to be sent to that department, most of my days are spent using the time allotted to search on line for work, then home to read and hang with my nephews.  AKA and I talk and sometimes share a dinner, and I chat up my BFF and Hutch.

Now if I can get a hold on eating these Astoria cookies ..!

Other than that, I guess I am going about as well as to be expected.

4 comments:

luvrte66 said...

I think it's smart to be introspective, and to look back and analyze things a bit. Not to dwell on them, but definitely try and figure out why we do what we do. After I took about a year off and spent time figuring myself out...that's when I met Ken. I guess he was my reward for working on myself. :)

Beth

lv2trnscrb said...

I've heard lots of tales about people reconnecting with old loves even after many a year; who knows what is in store? you are right, go and see and who knows; maybe it will be magic!

betty

toonguykc said...

There are worse vices than cookies, Mark.  ;)

Russ

buckoclown said...

Spread your wings and fly :o)