Thursday, June 5, 2008

... over at Hutch's ...


All these new mood choices!  Since 'chilling' is an approved conscious state in my administration, that is still going to be the preferred choice.  The rest in the variety, I don't know about, as I could find the truly appropriate word and plug it in.  The added choices only serve to make that even more clear, as I am still left struggling for mood choices, even with the wider selection!


Good song by the band Brand New.  One of my 'songs for this moment'.  Hope y'all don't mind me talking about my Mookie a little bit.  Even with my 'hurt' being small compared to the suffering that others endure in this world, even as one of my friends have endured FAR MORE than I have, even as I KNOW I have dealt with worse, if Mookie had chosen to keep the ring ...

No ... nothing would have eased what I feel ... that is just that.

Part of why I can't get our conversation compressed, is that I 'hear' her voice.  She has a 'top 5' voice, which is really saying something were I to give my 'totals'.  One of the reasons I have always held her dear in my life, from back when we first met, up until RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, is that she is the only person that showed up in the 'top 5' of every category I grade women in (oh come on now, like you weren't aware that men do this ..!  We LOVE ratings, rankings, putting things in 'lists' ... so COME ON ..!).  That is why she was the choice for this 'marriage eligible' version of Mark, because when I put into my brain computer, who I should be with, her name popped up first.

There are other names on that list, but other than Nebraska (who's largest negative is that she lives in Nebraksa and I am still in Michigan), she was FAR AND AWAY the best canididate for me to try to renew our love.

And we still love each other.

I did tell her that ... sorry ... as I said, thinking about our words, they become an 'auditory' thing, and if I am hearing my voice, it means her voice is going to reply.

The good thing, if there is a good thing, is that I will prolly forget the words, forget the sound, and be left with just the 'feeling'.  The thought of does the Earth still 'hurt' from meteors when they hit, applies here.  The Earth grows around it scar, whether it is large or small, and keeps spinning.

The meteor strike is forgotten in its individual occurence.  Only the knowledge that there will be more to come, the awareness that the cost of being a heavenly body means that sometimes, things crash into you exists.  As well as the possibility that sometime, these things CAN BE big does too.


The only Phillip Glass release I have is 'Glassworks' on cassette tape.  I remeber him from a LONG AGO appearance on SNL where he performed the song 'Rubric'.  I remember liking that song so much, that I wanted to hear it at MY WEDDING reception, damn whatever else the DJ would play, he would play THAT ONE Mark song, dammit!

If my music was accessible (but it isn't at my Dad's house ... everything is still 'boxed up' which is why I am not listing any music ... and this is a new thing for me... Amazing, because THAT IS BIG, not listening to music), I would grab it.  Another another artist that I like and am inspired by another journalist who recently mentioned in their journal, is Courtney Love.

To say I 'like' her is saying a bit much.  I actually don't, and not to go off on a tangent, I hold her as cupable as his own inner turmoil for Kurt Cobain's reaction to his life.  Anyway, I like the song 'Doll Parts', and I like the title to the CD it is from a lot too, 'Live Through This'.  The image of the prom queen, a mess from what, a date gone horribly wrong?  Someone tried a 'Carrie at the Prom' thing?, has endured as an indelible image in my mind.

Wow, I just noticed something.  I haven't had to 'look' for words today, they are just coming out of my fingers.  Pain must be inspiring.

'Live Through This'.  I think I have loved deeply, but this was the first time I have loved 'truly'.  I could go back, still want to go back.  Honestly, were she to 'come and get me', I would be a mess.  No, I didn't even hint at that, will NEVER hint at that, not because I am trying extra hard to be strong, but that she should know it already, and if she doesn't, then again, it validates my decision.

I think about the songs that I want to hear at my wedding, playing amid the usual pop/r & b fare ... a song by the Smiths or the Arcade Fire ... going out to Nebraska, home of the Saddle Creek label, some Azure Ray or indie rock deity Conor Oberst and some Bright Eyes ...

... not to mention some Interpol.


I have had my eye towards Nebraska for quite awhile now.  Every reference 'west' was a thought about what lies in Nebraska for me.  I think it would be something if I saw that kid I used to beat up from my amateur boxing days ... it would be a kick to see him!

'Have You Been To The West Coast?' is a line from the Interpol song 'The Henrich Manuver' from their 'Our Love To Admire' release.  I really like what they do, don't care if the snob critics call them derivative of Joy Division or not.

So far, every CD I have by them, I like more and more whenever I hear it.  Another song on that release, 'Mammoth' is another song that would be on the soundtrack from this particular era ...

I am struggling, because I still WANT Mookie, even as I am trying to 'kick'.  My Dad made me get a cell phone, and I did not give her the number ... but I have got to, as I did leave it with lil' Mook, and for her to have it and not her Mom, is in a word CREEPY ...


Getting back with Skye.  But since I know others have dealt with larger issues simeoutaneous to one another, I will manage this.  She is very angry with me, and understandably so.  Quite a blow, but nowhere near fatal. 

I have never loved anyone like I love Mookie.  Never.


mpnaz58 said...

The last line of your entry sums it all up.  Powerful entry.  
xoxo ~Myra

buckoclown said...

May time heal your wounds my friend.  The reality is that time will take off the sharp edges, and as you said, new growth around the scar.  Keep your focus on the path ahead.

lv2trnscrb said...

insightful entry, Mark; like another commenter said, time does heal wounds; I'd say just keep talking or writing out your feelings; I think its good to get them out and not squealch them or bury them

I wrote the best psalms I call them last year when I was in a lot of pain/despair; the words flowed like they flowed for you; this year it is a struggle for me to do so

hoping you get to your music soon to listen to it; I know how important songs and words of them are to you

in the meantime, take care of yourself


luvrte66 said...

I wish I could write something that would ease your pain, but that can only come with time. I agree with a previous comment--keep writing. I've found that it does wonders to help you sort out your feelings.


rdautumnsage said...

When music can't, writing soothes the soul. Still hung up on Mookie...Yet wanting to push toward Nebraska, at the moment neither within reach...Intense is a good word here hon. My advice (not that it's worthy of biblical porportions and it is just my own opinion)...find Mark first, then the rest will fall into place. When your ok with just you in the line of sight with no one else playing a role, you will be able to think...deeper, spiritually, profoundly. I took a year off from having anyone in my life before I met Doc...a year to break all the other ties, a year to heal and clear my head and figure out what I wanted in life. Your still young. If Nebraska or even Mookie is still to be in the equation, they will willing give you the time to find Mark first. Just sentiments from a friend that wishes I could hug you and tell you it's going to be ok. Your ok in more ways than your realize. (Hugs) Indigo