...cause I AM ALONE AT WAYNES STATE
There is some kind of fair going on, where they show gifts and have local performers doing their music. Lot of people are down here, and I have an unease in big crowds ...
... but I am managing.
Did I ever mention how 'small' Detroit is for me. People that I have not seen in over 20 years have spotted me straight away. I just ran into a former boxer who I knew when we were kids ... already ran into a guy who trained me for a few of my final pro fights, and when he asked if I was 'doing anything', i.e., still boxing, I told him I was at the drug store picking up perscriptions just like he was! We shared a laugh and talked about relationships and how he and his wife have made it through the years, sending their two children off to college and doing alright if not fine.
Helped AKA's Father with some yard work. He also asked if I would be available to help him around the house if needed. I said "sure", as her Mom and Dad have always been very cool to me. It was funny going to get the mulch with him, as he talked about how he couldn't do some of the things that he could when he was younger. I just agreed, I really didn't know what to say. He then made some crap comment about me, saying that I looked a 'little bigger' than I did before, which is PATENTLY UNTRUE. In fact, I am smaller now at 219 than I ever was while I was around his daughter. I absolutely HATE when people have to tell you about their limitations by first intimating that you have yours, don't you?
What crap thinking. Pure, crisp, insecure crap thinking. There ain't nothing wrong with me, you just don't want to admit what is wrong with you!
But I enjoyed helping him out, turning and weeding his garden so he can plant his tomatoes, and spreading the mulch. It involved me getting dirty, and if y'all hadn't guessed it by now, I can be a little bit of a priss. But the larger benefit, doing something that would be appreciated, won out. Plus, when I get on my own, if I can plant some FLOWERS I will. It was good practice.
CLEAR AND PRESENT ...
Understanding. That is what AKA and I have. We had thistalk earlier in May, maybe my second full week. I told her that I was going to commit to my 'crap philosophy' ('crap' in this sense as self-effacing ... Am I a philosopher? Yes, I think very deeply..!) and see how far it gets me. I don't understand how you don't believe in yourself to expect and demand more out of your life, and put more in it. All I know is that I am going to do what I can, to save myself, and I may need help to do it. I won't be trying to save anyone else.
"You could, if you wanted to," she replied.
Is she right? I don't know, and if when I am doing that final 'This Is Your Life' screening, and the voice over says, "... and here is where you turned your back on your last best shot at love ..." and it is a shot of AKA, then like the Vikings used to say sailing the frigid waters of Scandanavia ... "Oh well !"
... anyway, things have being going well, and I can see a late summer, early fall departure to Nebraska. If that window is not available, then early spring. See, the former lets Nebraska get her things in order with her family and I won't be in the way as much. The latter because last winter 'spooked' me, and I am not trying to go anywhere new dealing with weather.
Besides, Skye haven't call yet.
GOING TO DO IT THIS WEEK
I left a message on her Mom's phone to call me today. She is at work right now, so I hope she calls when she gets off. I want to have a sit down with the both of them so we can go on and get this out in the open. Everything else I have to do has been going pretty well. This is weighing on my heart (Mookie weighs on my mind, and that is a little easier for me to handle), because I want to tell her that I am sorry for making her angry and not being there. I want her to hear from me that I love her and still want to be a part of her life if she would have me. She has two sisters that would like to meet her, not to mention cousins to hang out with from my side of the family.
I swallowed them down in one big chunk. When it 'comes back up' like a bulimics dinner, I will get into it. Still trying to just keep it down, and go on with the going on.