WEEKENDS ARE LONG
Especially without my bike. Ugh!
I had written down a mess of what I had hoped were thoughts that made sense, about my feelings on the whole shebang, about how much I feel towards Nebraska and what she may feel about me. I wanted to explain how she was the proverbial 'cherry on top' of the notion that Nebraska (the state) would be a good fit for me, that it was a place that made my 'top 5' places to live long before I even knew her. It was such a confusing mess, that I gave up on trying to salvage it, or making heads or tails of what I had written. Being confused stresses me, for critical reasons. So then I stepped back and tried to figure out how something that I KNOW is right, is confusing!
"Things should be as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Albert Einstein
She finds it hard to believe that I can have such deep and abiding feelings for her, someone I have only had sporadic conversations with on line, and spent a long weekend with.
We were doing the IM thing for a good while, then when Mookie and I reconnected, I stopped popping out. Wanted to give us the best chance I could, and surreptiously chatting with other women, particularly one that had that something special (for me at least), would indeed not have been fair to Mookie. It wasn't until October that we started chatting again, and I suggested (I think) that we meet in Chicago, where my best sister lives. This renewal of our on line relationship came after my darling brother moved on, and seeing how much he had packed into his time with us, all the lives he had reached from all of the different backgrounds, I knew at the time I was going to set a new course for my life, one where I would be leaving Mookie.
I did not intend to 'fix' on Nebraska (the person), as I was simply chatting with a friend. But a woman I had reached me on a deeper level than just as a random person. Already had begun to push myself away from where I had fallen and started to climb back to the surface, one hand after the other, holding firm when the elements threatened. And yes Violet, I let my thoughts of Nebraska (the person)
To 'pick up and go elsewhere' isn't something that I am new to. I have done this thing a time or two, and I know there are things necessary for ME to do before I go anywhere else. Wouldn't make a difference if I won the lottery for millions (though only a few thousand would be necessary!) or not. I have to do what I have to do. A comment left by Russ here the other day about bureacracy 'thinning the herd', is so very true. I also think that way about adversity. It culls the weak and the undeserving, clearing a path for those who are willing to pay that price. I know that I am deserving of the things I hope for ... and they are to be had by me, provided I am willing to pay the price for them, to work hard and to keep my faith.
My feelings for Nebraska (the person) are just a simple as I share with her, and what is prolly obvious here. The asking of 'how' is trying to ask how of the ancient Egyptians as they put the pyramids of Giza together. Nietzsche said 'we can deal with any 'how' as long as someone has a 'why'.
I have my 'why'. That is not something to be questioned or explained. Can take suggestions on the 'how'. Other than that, watch me work, because the 'why' is absolute.
It is what it is. (Now THAT'S when you use that sentence ..! Grr, I so dislike how people misuse that phrase!)
BUT THEY STILL GO SOOO GOOD TOGETHER!
At times in my life, honestly, MOST of the times in my life, I was the 'chicken' in the ham and eggs breakfast of love! My time with Mookie was really the first time I was 'the pig'. You know how that goes ... the chicken participated in the breakfast while the pig was committed.
That was why I did what I did regarding our relationship. I didn't think I got what I deserved from her, and it would take some SALT treaty type negotiating for something to happen again. I did think I needed to know what it felt like, to have that exerience and not a bunch of theory to go into and EXPECT my next relationship to make it to the winner's circle, you know?
Nebraska has shared with me a few of the reasons she is doubtful that we would ever become more than friends. COOL FOR YOU ... that is my position. The unrequited love thing is something I KNOW I can handle, because I have DONE THAT, in fact, just got finished living through 2 years of that thing there.
She wants to be friends. Cool. Be that.
I can accept that she wants and feels something different from me. Because Nebraska (the place) has been on my horizon a LONG TIME before she came into my life, going back to Vince Ferragmo as the Husker quaterback and Tiny Archibald as guard for the Kansas City-Omaha Kings ...
Wrote her a letter that I hope that goes a long way to easing HER apprehensions. What ever she does in her personal life, is FAIR PLAY (hmm, I think that is a useful phrase, certainly more clever and functional than 'it is what it is ... that is why I USE IT ..!). The only thing I can expect of her is what she offered ... friendship.
And that would not be a bad thing at all.