Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Lurking

WOW ..!

They have more choices for 'moods'!  But 'chillin' is so apt for me, that one can expect to see it as it comes standard with this model ..!

... and not getting ahead of ourselves ...

I have been about as extemporaneous as I care to be.  Is May over?  Sure, this is the last day, but I am not even sure of that!  But though I am out of my personal routine, I have been getting what I need to have done, initiated.  Because dealing with the lingering issues that have weighted me down is just grinding, sometimes when I pass through, I guess I 'lurk' or whatever, because there is only so much I directly control right now, and that is what it is I am doing.

So I read my 'entry alerts' and live through others.  Seriously.  I try to put myself right there with you, which is why on occasion, I may 'go long' in my comments. Something that the journalist is experiencing may have touched me in a connective way, and I share how I feel about it, hopefully not coming off too preachy or anything.  As for me, 'working' is work.  Each day brings me a little closer to getting the ship ready to sail once again!

"YOU LOSE IT IF YOU TALK ABOUT IT." - Ernest Hemingway

That is why I play 'peek-a-boo' with what I want to do.  There is only so much you can say before it gets out and becomes 'spoiled'.  Why did I put it out here and not find someone to confide in that I can actually talk to?

Because I want to keep them as my friends, that is why.

See, I have never been too fearful to chase after what it is I have said I want.  But there are some people who for whatever reason, will make sure that you know about all the dangers and risks, who will even go as far as to tell you that you are making another mistake, even after you have painstakingly told them how different this new undertaking was, and after you have shown them all the work you done to prepare and what makes it just be the best thing for you.

At the same time, you also need to ask of the world and let it know that you are coming.  The only way I could accomplish this,is to put myself out here, and I just hoped someone would come around and notice.  Not to mention that I would give back and be there as much as I could be thru the screen ...

You know what I am saying?


Next week is going to be a big one.  I go up the beltway to pick up my junk and run some errands.  Spoke to Mookie last night; she called for a legit reason and we spoke about making the necessary arrangements.  Then I asked (oh come on, five and a half years of loving a person, and I can't find out if ...) if she missed me.  Her reply was, "You know I do," and there a pregnant pause.

In that moment, I saw all the things I would be giving up by answering her emotionally.  I saw having fun with my daughters at the State Fair in Lincoln (or in Detroit, or Raleigh ...), and I could see myself on campus in school ... or working with elementary school kids in an after school program ... I could see getting on Nebraska's nerves with my obtuse observations based on memories that themselves are fuzzy ... ooh, and going to Kansas City and getting some steaks ..!

So I told Mookie the truth: "Well, I better let you go, before something gets said that neither of us wants to live up to."

See you on Wednesday!

Lounge Music is Cool!

Listen to Esquivel!


malagutigrrl said...

I think your reponse to Mook was not only the right one but very brave and very maturely put.  I bet you are really quite a brilliant conversationalist.

rdautumnsage said...

I agree with MJ. It's a tenuous place to be , where you are right now. Not quite where you want to be, yet with that tender pulling from what was and the familiarity. The latter is the easy solution, the wise and courageous one is to keep moving ever onward into the dream before you. I believe in you, always have and always will my friend. (Hugs) Indigo

lv2trnscrb said...

I totally agree with what MJ said and what Indigo said; you handled that encounter with Mookie very well; so mature and "graceful" and definitely the right response with what you want to do with your life; I'm hoping the visit to get your things goes smoothly


toonguykc said...

I had a horrible history with calling ex's and saying "I miss you..." and then saying exactly the kind of things you were adult enough not to say.  Of course it never worked out...that's why we were ex's.  Good job, Mark.  I'm learning.


mpnaz58 said...

Great line...very mature, and its the truth!!  Hope next week goes well.
xoxo ~Myra

buckoclown said...

Any time you need a friend, I am here for you.  Hang in there Brother.  You can reach me by linking the e-mail.  We will be back from Vegecation on 6/9/08.

luvrte66 said...

It must have been so hard to let that moment pass, but it sounds like you said exactly the right thing.