Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Started Something I Couldn't Finish ...

NO, REALLY ...

I am chill.

FITNESS, FITNESS ..!

I have some times from 12 years ago when I was training and would crash at my Dad's as he was close to the gym, and I'd be too gassed to drive all the way home.  Anyway, the run I did today, I shaved off 38 seconds from the last run, when I was younger, and theoretically in better shape ..!

Haven't weighed myself, but I feel lighter ..!  Been doing a LOT of walking to get here and there, and that isn't too bad ... anyway ...

THEORY AND PRACTICE

For those who don't know, AKA and Omega are the prime Greek sororities and fraternities for Blacks.  Yes, it seems that a lot of super successful folks were members of those frats/soror house, and there is a cachet of being a member.

AKA girls are notorious for being stuck up and elitist.  My AKA was no exception.  At first, everything about her smacked of snobbery.  So while I put my 'charm offensive' in play, I always was thinking, maybe she just thinks I am cute and would be 'good for the night'.  Perhaps she WAS legitimately charmed by me ...

... or maybe, as I would in time discover, she was a neurotic mess and as her hopes for companionship grew dimmer with every tick of the clock, I appeared like an oasis on her horizon, crossing the burning sands as the rare person who would tolerate her.

'What assails you as an individual, should not complicate you as a person.'  -Calvin, of 'Calvin and Hobbes'

So I just deal with people, like me, hate me, think boxing is barbaric, can't stand my being willing to go to war for 'the man', or my Republican voting record (I keed, I keed ... or not ... I do, but I don't ..!).  Just because you are what you are, doesn't invalidate your humanity.  One of the few things that I will cop to, is that certain people tend to avoid good hygiene like their home countries ... so do city folks in the grip of the poverty mindset ... tit for tat on that!

BUT ... AKA is the biggest fraud of a person I have ever met in my life, including 'the Jew Bastid' who screwed me out of my money and my boxing career (a possible entry ..? There are lost details ...).  I think that she is able to find a comfort level with me, because I don't demand much of her.  I don't have any expectations that she becomes a State Court Justice, and it doesn't bother me that she drives her Dad's car.  If I am her 'lowered expectation' of a potential partner, it doesn't matter, because I control what I think of myself.

AND THAT IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED

I don't know what life has in store for me.  But I feel that I have to want something out of it, otherwise NOTHING is going to happen.  Even before I 'simplified', I knew that I would get in trouble trying to help her unravel herself, not unlike the novice swimmer trying to save someone from drowning.  I am learning still myself, and other than trying to get you into better condition, I am not expert enough on living to help anyone who doesn't want to live for themselves.

She doesn't want to 'be'.  What is the movie ..?  'Failure To Launch'?  That is part of why I wasn't sure if I could talk about AKA, not just that I didn't want to throw rocks out of my glass house, but because she is such a mess, that I couldn't couch things without slamming her.  If someone wants to say, 'But Mark, do you feel that you are taking advantage of someone who cares for you?', okay, you got me.  In her case, I do 100% believe that it goes both ways.  I haven't hidden anything from her, ever.  She is the one who set up the limits of our relationship, and I told her in my best Yul Brenner, "So it is written, so let it be done".  No, I don't feel anything, for the same reason I didn't feel anything remiss about how I left Mookie ... because I told AKA and never once have I played the 'what if' game, or led her to believe that she was loved by me.

Calling her 'a fraud' is even kind.  Man, she is just lost ...

HANDLING THINGS

Won't go clean up at Mookie's until after the 1st.  I am good with that, but I haven't let her know that I am asking for my ring back.  Please, let that go smoothly!  Anyway, still no music, so put on a Go-Go's cd, channel Belinda Carlise and sing 'Vacation' ..!

Oh, a special thanks to Bucko, for his encouraging words ..!  One of the things that I know from hindsight, is that other men have to deal with hurtful, soul-ravaging women.  Women get to lay blame on men for causing scarring, but it isn't as easy for men to have claimed such damage ...

4 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

wow, Mark, that is amazing that you shaved off those 38 seconds!! it must have been a good feeling!

I think you are honest in describing AKA and where she stands in your life right now; reading how you described it, I don't think you are taking advantage of the situation; I think you are wiser and kinder than that

it will be June 1st before you know it; hopefully you can get back ALL you want to from Mookie's place (ring included)

betty

buckoclown said...

Thanks for the kind words Mark :o)

I know that this journal has been good for you, sometimes we all just need an outlet.  Keep up with the workouts, they will help keep you focused and release stress.  Today, after about five days away, I was able to get back to weights and some running - definitely always makes me feel better.

Ken.

lisa41076 said...

Mark, I have'nt been to the gym in so long I'm starting to forget what it looks like, Hugs Lisa

rdautumnsage said...

The last paragraph was insightful...I don't think women realize men are hurt or scarred by actions just as easily as we are. Perhaps it's all the bravado men put forth about being the strong dominate species...

I agree with Bucko (Ken) that this journal has been a wonderful outlet for you. As always I'm delighted to hear from you my friend. (Hugs) Indigo