Sunday, May 18, 2008

Trust, I am 'Staying On Message' ...

THE EASTERN MARKET<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

Hung out there yesterday with AKA (who will have a ‘character profile’ later in the week …).  She did a barbecue which did not turn out bad at all.  She can cook really, really well.  Stopped by my favorite bakery, <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Astoria downtown which is across from the Greektown casino, and the girl who handled my transaction, guess where SHE was from..?

 

Yes, she was from Nebraska!  We had a short conversation about it, and she assured me that I would like it.  I am pretty ‘assured’ myself!  Not going to ‘look’ for anymore signs that it is the right place for me, just going to work my plan and get myself where I need to be, to get there.

 

It felt cool to be out in the big crowd, and dealing with ‘new’ surroundings.  They are trying to do some things in Detroit, but it has been a long slide down.  I wonder if it can come back, because the erosion has been going on for over 50 years.  As much as I blame Coleman Young for hastening the decline in the mid 70’s to the 80’s, Detroit was on its way down before the riots, before Vietnam.

 

Wonder what made people want to leave?

 

MIS-MASH OF EMOTIONS

 

I hope Hutch is going to ride me up I-96 to get my gear.  I don’t like not having my bike, as it is my ‘independence’, as it were.  Won’t be able to leave it out like I did in the provincial town I lived in, because the knuckleheads here will hack at locks for the sake of doing just that.

 

Sometimes, I have emotions about Mookie.  I can’t see ‘reconciliation’, but I wonder if she is feeling anything for me right now.  She prolly is, but to hear it from her lips would be gratifying in a way.  At this moment, I want my ring back, if for no other reason than it holds significance for me, and I don’t think it meant, let alone means, anything to her.

 

So why should she keep it?  It won’t ever make her look at it and think that ‘she let one get away’.  I do wonder what lil’ Mook is thinking, but it is still too squirrelly to think about calling her …

 

… especially since I haven’t chatted with my Skye.

 

That is another reason I want my bike.  My first wife doesn’t seem to share in my desire for me and our daughter to mend fences, and I can’t say that I blame her.  I say that, because when you are convinced that you are the victim, and that life has done you wrong, your thinking changes the prism you view the world.  Doesn’t matter if anyone agrees with you or not, because the way you present your case, you are going to make sure that you are ‘the good guy’ …

 

*shrugs* okay, I am the bad guy … I know I have been that … so get over it!

 

AS IF YOU WERE WRITING A MEMOIR

 

Isn’t that how you are supposed to write a diary?  As if you were putting your life, your observations to print?  I am wrestling with how I should mention the major players, and how I see them, such as Hutch, my Best Sister, and the like.  For instance, what should I tell you all about AKA, because we are cool, and we can hang like clothes in the closet, that won’t get anyone to think that, ‘hey, he is falling for her, and he ain’t going to try to go nowhere’, without breaking my own personal attitude of not putting anyone else’s business out, and keeping my own counsel about someone faults.

 

Because AKA, as sweet and as nice as she has been to me, has fatal flaws. 

 

I met her some time ago, at some young civic club meeting that one of my then co-workers, Lil’ Magic (from a character on the show, ‘In Living Color’) invited me and my BFF to, thinking she was doing us a favor, letting come to the little bourgeoisie event.  We had accompanied her to other little events, and we would invariably be the stars of the event.

 

This was no exception.

 

My BFF and I were making our little ‘worker bee’ comments, as the aspiring class of people weren’t exactly too stuck up to notice us.  So, I told her that I was going to hit on just one of them, not necessarily to meet that ‘completely wonderful person’, but more to show Lil’ Magic, that her and her stuck up crowd of lonely girls, can indeed be had by alley cat, as she saw me as.

 

That I went and snatched someone who was near the top of her social food chain, was mere happenstance.  That is just how it works, I keep tryin’ to told you ..!

 

PLAYING THE FAST FORWARD

 

So I charmed AKA.  As I normally do, I told her about my ‘early burglary years’, starting with Skye.  She told me over dinner during this conversation that she didn’t think she could ever marry a man with children, giving the reasoning that she would be too jealous of his split attention for his child, and that were he to somehow be inclined to give her the spotlight she would demand, she would wonder how he could take that attention from the child or children and give it to her.

 

I guess we are going to be friends then, eh?  Because Skye was a regular fixture in my life, and I didn’t want to hear what she had for my Carolina girls, with the pompous attitude, she had.  Haven’t mentioned it in awhile, but when someone who hasn’t made it to the title game of ‘Big Dance’, still searching for just a regular date, let alone a steady, wants to tell me about all that they aren’t going to deal with, my thing is to let them be ‘about themselves’, you know?

 

But she found herself attracted to me.  At first, I found this a little off putting, as I always have only ‘liked’ her, and made it clear that I was cool with her opinions and wasn’t going to press her.  She would talk and visit, and we would do things that she liked to do, and I would share in with her.  She has a motorcycle, a Buell, and she enjoyed having me on the back racing around and such.

 

We had good, good times.  I was still fighting, and it was when I got a fight and my car was down, that I realized that despite what she had ‘said’, she was feeling something more than what she was sharing.  She arranged to rent a car, and drove me to where ever the fight was, somewhere in some town.  I won, we had a nice ride there and back, and I figured that I better get to know this woman, because SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT!

 

BUT BECAUSE THIS IS RUNNING LONG

 

… I am going to stop right here.  I am sure to pick up where I left off, because I am simplifying my life here, because I just need to do what I need to do.  Monday schedule is set, taking paperwork where it needs to be, signing up for what I need to sign up for, and getting home safely, which is all that I have to get done.  But I need to remind myself why I can’t be with AKA, just like how she tried to tell me why she couldn’t be with me …

 

… with the difference being, I can make my reasoning become life policy, and that is that!

 

Enjoy Fields of Nephilim!

5 comments:

malagutigrrl said...

Doesn't matter where you are, I'm still hangin' on every word!

buckoclown said...

Hang in there man, there has to be light at the end of the tunnel.  I am on my second marriage, and it is much better than the first, even though my Psycho first makes things difficult between me and my kids.  Keep the faith, you have a plan, and just need to fill in some of the details.  Giving you a virtual HUG brother!

lv2trnscrb said...

hoping you can get your gear, Mark, so you can feel more settled; perhaps that might put some finality on your relationship with Mookie and bring some peace to your emotions and hoping you get your ring back

it was good to have an entry from you and seeing you are settling in and getting reaquainted with your old stomping grounds so to speak

I think it was neat you got to talk with someone from Nebraska; I know you'll continue to work your plan to get where you want to be :)

betty

abaleman666 said...

i dont pay for aol... you can get it free now but i forgot what it was that you have to do.   i dont connect through them maybe thats what the dif is.  

luvrte66 said...

Just stopping by after a recommendation from my husband (Bucko). I'm glad I did! I'll keep reading....

Beth