Wednesday, May 28, 2008

... something I had written down one day ...

THAT WHICH MAKES COWARDS OF MEN ...

This is an entry cobbled from pieces I had written down in the past month.  I don't really recall what made me NOT include it here, so I am putting it in as I wrote it, so if it seems out of sequence, that is because it is ..!

Lessee, I am a disabled former professional boxer, achingly fresh from a breakup from a girlfriend of five years, with whom I thought I was engaged to be married.  The actual break up was instigated by me, for reasons that my or may not have been dealt with correctly.


This meant a return to Detroit, to straighten out some personal affairs (three daughters, three women ... YOU do the math!) and I am currently staying with my Father who has his own personal chaos to live through.  As the French would say ... OOOOHHH WWWEEEELLL!

Since I am currently a part of this environment, I have to wonder, is this going to be my fate as well?  To bounce from place to place, barely scraping by from one moment to the next?  This isn't a pinic, and not even Yogi would think of trying to snatch from this table ... he has higher standards!

But, after a long day of dealing with the freindly bureacracy of the city of Detroit, waiting in this line to be told to go stand in another where I learn that the form I need is in another building ... being irrated and frustrated, a nearly irresistable force begans to push against me, nearly making me cower ...

... fatigue.  I am tired.

KIPLING-ESQUE

Because time isn't forgiving, make the most of the time you have.

I think 'fatigue' is the thing of the shadows and of the dark.  It isn't that one cannot push on, but when you are tired, the uncertainties get braver, and they are willing to stand and push you around as you make your way.  The more you try to go against it, the more your struggle intensifies and you find yourself slogging when your intention is to move seamlessly.

For over a decade, I have be wondering what is going on with me and my life, not in strict terms of mental and physical health, but in a more spiritual and philosophical way ... and for me, those terms are interchangeable as I see one feeding into the other, in that yin-yang kind of way.  To seperate them leaves you with half a soul, half a mind.

I have been able to make the small achievements that should have led to greater ones, but my life if pockmarked with breakdowns in what ever endeavor I was undertaking.  That there isn't anything that could be readily identified as 'bitterness' in me, has always made me wonder if I wasn't simply fooling myself into accepting failure, dressing it up as best I could, and then bumbling off, without learning why I didn't make it through the threshold that marks the end of hope and the beginning of actuality.

Whenever I think back on things that I was 'almost there', the military, college, boxing, and my love life, I have wondered what it was that I did not posess, that I lacked that was preventing me from crossing over and actually reaching what it was I was trying to achieve.

The line -- "If you can fill the unforgiving minute ...", it seems has echoed in my mind constantly, not because that is what I was doing, but it was what I WAS NOT doing.  I even wonder if I did the same thing again in my last relationship, that it failed more because I let several seconds pass with out a full and intense effort.

The unforgiving minute.  It doesn't ask anything save, did you apply the effort?  I have to openly wonder if I am making myself content with falling short, and not reaching down deep to pull whatever is left to get what it is I want ...

Life frowns on bargains.  That is why you have to put out 60 seconds worth of distance run into that minute.  I am going to ask this of myself fairly regularly because getting push to fringes of myself is something I need to grow comfortable with.

Wow.  Not that I am feeling too much of anything, save determination to get to where I am going.  No time for crying about how tough or how difficult things are, because I didn't worry about that when I made this mess.  I want to keep fighting, and I have to make the most of what is something I have been fortunate enough to have in me ...

... the will not to give in.

Getting tired is not an option.  My mind and body will serve me in all my efforts made on this mortal coil.  So stop crying and 'gird up thy loins' ... if it was good enough for Job to hear, it is good enough for you to do ..!

6 comments:

luvrte66 said...

Very thought-provoking. I found that once I started asking myself the hard questions (as in "what part did *I* play in this?") I was able to start answering. I didn't always like my answers, but I spent about a year by myself and really thought about where I had been and where I wanted to go. I'm happy to say that I got my head in the right place, and that was when I was able to find someone that I really wanted to be with, and who was a genuinely NICE GUY! (That would be Ken, AKA Bucko.)

While I know you only through what you write here (and your nice comments at my place), you strike also strike me as a genuinely nice guy. I believe you will make happen what you need to make happen in order to get to the place (whether geographically or in your own mind) where you want to be.

I hope you continue to write about your "journey."

Beth

lv2trnscrb said...

good for you, Mark, taking the blame for the "mess" you are in; a lot of people would want to play the blame game and blame everyone but themself; you do have that determination and willpower to get where you want to be and in the meantime to think about it while you are standing in that wrong line or given that wrong form; you will succeed in this phase of your life to achieve the goal/dream you have made; you have that determination to do so

(you are probably right about calling my son; last time I talked with him was about a week ago when he called for some info; luckily, we share a checking acct- my name on it as he wasn't 18 at the time; I can get into it and see how his money is being spent and what he's been up to if he uses his debit card which he does a lot so I can keep tabs on him that way; I will probably call him later this week if I don't hear from him first to tell him that my dear friend, Jessica, is coming; he will definitely want to know to be available to see her)

betty

buckoclown said...

As we say at work, first we need to recognize and accept that the baby is ugly, and that it is our baby (metaphorically speaking that is).  Only then can you take actions to move forward.  We talked about recovery, and then excellence, and I think the same parallel can be used here.  You are in recovery, and to move to excellence, you need to start with the end in mind, and that means more than just a year or two out, but where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 15 years.  Ken.

inafrnz247 said...

Sometimes, it's the things we write "out of sequence" that ~ when placed together piece by piece, that leads us to better understanding.  Even if what we understand is that we're utterly confused!  Then, at least, we can go about taking steps to make sense of the confusion.  

And that makes us tired...  I know it makes me tired.  When we're down ~ really down, our bodies, minds and hearts respond in ways that make "getting it together" seem like such work!  

But it DOES take work.  Hard, relentless effort.  Take moments in between, to be still and feel what you need to feel.  Then push on.  

Now, if only I could take my own advice, I'll let you know how it works for me!

Thank you for sharing your journey, your thoughts and your heart.

Michelle

mpnaz58 said...

Wow...that is deep.  Anyone one of us reading this can surely apply it to some aspect of our life.  You adress yourself to the point here...asking the hard questions.  Sometimes the answers elude us, other times we turn away from what the answer.  In any case, you are on track...to finding out who you truly are, what makes you, you.  Life is a journey, ever changing...
xoxo ~myra

toonguykc said...

Bureacracy thins the herd...seperating the fatigued of spirit from the ones who still have some fight left.  Keep fighting!

Russ