Tuesday, April 15, 2008

... what's an 'administrator'?

... because that is who it keeps asking for ..!

I need 'administrator' rank to make changes, to add or delete programs ... unfortunately, there isn't an I.T. department in the house!  We have NEVER established which one of use would be the 'administrator' so that I don't know what screen will let me do the work.  Mookie uses the owner, primarily.  But it is me and lil' Mook that is on here most of the time.  I think that it is the Norton Anti-Virus program from AOL that is causing the problem ...

... so how do I get it off ..?

THIS IS AN NC-17 JOURNAL

So don't let it be said that you are shocked by what you read.

Mookie and I have a dead sex life.  Don't know where it went, but it is dead as anything you find trying to cross a street that was a step or two slow.  Now, to ask 'what do I do' is an insult to me and my past.  I KNOW what to do, from the 'ol' in and out', to finding what touches are needed to get who ever is the object of my affections going, and making for romantic interludes in the house ...

Not like my ego or anything is involved.  Could care less about being 'Number 1', as long as I get counted.  I figure once it is me and you, the goal is to be THE LAST, not that I don't want to be 'THE ONE', but the larger picture, being the final name in her book, with no more 'revisits', is my approach to a relationship, period.

Me and Mookie don't have sex.

At first, when we got back together, it was going great.  I enjoy being with her, she can be a very satisfying and fulfilling partner.  Because of its near universal appeal and broad implications in a relationship, sex for me has been the 'canary in the coalmine'.  See, it is so simple and fundamental to an adult relationship, that when there is a problem with it, it means the same to me as burnt toast should to the husband, or late nights working at the office means to a wife.

Something ain't right.

HISTORY LESSON

A couple of years ago, after KT had made her first visit here, I made a point to get closer to lil' Mook.  I had joked her that she would have had the same name if I was herfather, and after meeting KT (they 'share' part of the name that me and Mookie came up with back in the long ago) she understood that I WAS treating her as much like my daughter as I could.  So we grew and I invested more into her.

I had wanted to anyway. 

Then, to begin '07, I decided to put more effort into me and Mookie.  I had struggled with why we weren't being more 'adult' with one another, and of course, the old ghetto saying, "I you ain't getting it, SOMEONE is ..!", fits.  So I just sucked it up, because in my day, I MADE others endure more than she could even hope to put on me.

So that is what I did.  I sucked it up.

YES VIRGINIA, THERE ARE LIMITS

Now, there are things that I have had to dicuss with Mookie more than once, more than twice, more than THREE times ...

... and more, and more and yet more.  Why?  Because I was testing myself.  Whatever justifications I had for 'quitting' on love before, left me unfillfilled.  I felt bad, having left without pushing into the extremes.  I have been compared by some to those women who pursue their hopeless relationships ... all the way to the 'Maury Povich' show ... but that is where our similarities end ...

... see, I still have my hopes.

One of the reasons I am back here, with Mookie, is that I do really believe that I have already met and been with the one I am supposed to be with.  I have met and hurt some wonderful women, excluding my first wife, who is just a 'good woman, better puncher'.  So that I squeezed Nebraska into my life, is so that I can keep her file open in my life.

Mookie's is being closed.

She is always 'too tired' when it comes to me.  I have NEVER dealt with these issues with any person I have ever been with ... and that IS saying a lot, cause I have been around that block, that neighborhood, hell, y'all get it.  Because of my experience, I find her rationale, her myopic thinking the biggest of all insults I can bear.

Stupidity is loathsome. 

Now, I am not going to let someone insult my intelligence.  That is the one thing that I can reliably count on.  Istumble sometimes when I walk, and I have problems balancing on my bike.  I run as hard as I can, but I once ran harder and better.  There are things that aren't like they used to be, but they are things with I can deal.

But I will not brook insults to my intelligence.

So at once, I don't care to hear about her trivial and mundane dealings with her co workers, and I refuse to watch the brain-draining television shows or movies that she considers 'entertainment'.  Like Barack Obama, I am not an elitist, but I am real.  Truth may not always be nice and sweet.  Sometimes it is downright unpleasant.

I won't 'dumb down' for her anymore.  Starting today.  It is a risk, because my contempt is peeking for a chance to dart out.  From here on out, what offends me, will be pointed out.  If she is talking 'stupid', I will cut her down at the knees ... ooh, I better not ... whew..!

Glad to get this out ..!  Feel SOOO much better ..!  Tomorrow, I expect to be back to square ..!

4 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

Mark, I have no idea what an administrator is; my husband is the computer savvy one in our household; as long as it turns on and allows me to check my mail, I'm content; wonder if there is a help site for your particular computer online somewhere where a live person can chat with you and tell you how to fix what is going on?

betty

libragem007 said...

every once in a full moon, I'll get that administrator message...since this is a family computer, I just reset/reboot it.
Gem :-)

malagutigrrl said...

Living with Ma who is 84 and whose life revolves around a few soap operas, Murder She Wrote, and Walker Texas Ranger, I know what you mean about the no longer wanting to "dumb down."  In the case of Ma, there's no point in really making an issue of it because this has been her life for so long and being out of her comfort zone at her age can be a terrifying ordeal sometimes.  Of course, mother/daughter is a different relationship than the significant other one.  
Still, despite the "dumbing down" my brain is doing on it's own, I am still in another location entirely when it comes to Ma and intellect and LONG for REAL adult conversation.  With, you know, people who are more like... well... YOU.  
Speaking of "dumbing down" I have no idea if this has anything to do with your entry...but your entry must have triggered some thought that led to this...
Hope your weekend is headed into sunshine and good tunes!
MJ

csandhollow said...

Did you find out the administrator? I might be able to help.

I understand the no sex thing. SOmetimes, actually a lot of times I am just not wanting it. Ihave been making myself lately and of course once I get going I am pleased and glad I made the effort.
Sex is a habit that you can get out of.