Monday, April 14, 2008

... I must be butter ...

... cause I am on a roll ..!

Weight check at 214.5 ..!  I like the way that sounds ..!  Happiness is when your pants fit loose on your waist!  More on fitness later in the week!

IS MOOKIE HOME?

I will find out when I get to the house.  She was flying standby, and did not see fit to call and let anyone know the 411 ... I am at the library, as I went on and did my therapy appointment.  Will go find out shortly.

WHAT COMPUTER TO BUY?

Since something is wrong with Mookie's.  I plan to take as much of my music off as possible and see if I can figure something out.  Should I get it repaired?  Not sure, but I will dwell on that.

Me, I am thinking what do I need to look for in a 'gently used' laptop.  It would be worth it to me to get one here, as opposed to Detroit.  This is a college town, and I would feel better about it.  What ever could go wrong, still could go wrong.  But I don't even know what I should be looking for in a laptop.  I will figure out something ...(any tips, leave 'em ... I will get 'em!)

TODAY'S WORD: RESENTMENT

Okay, I know the 'stages of grief/break-up' deal.  But I don't believe in 'anger'.  Honestly, I don't really have it.  Even in our 'heated discussions', whenever Mookie says I am getting loud, I tune it down to a whisper.  When you think about it, hockey, the service, boxing, getting 'angry' was just a weakness.  It leaves you vunerable and out of position from being able to reach your goal.  I get 'mad', that sudden burst of emotions, but it always gets tamped down RIGHT AWAY.

I don't 'bargain'.  That is part of how I cope with the world.  I ask the world, 'if I do this, will the world let me go on and to that, or at the very least not get beat up too bad?'  So by the time something reaches say, for the sake of arguement, MOOKIE'S recognition, it has been on my radar for quite some time.  So that when she decides to do something or bring it up for discussion, I am like, 'What took you so long?'

That is why Idon't 'bargain' either.  I feel I have given you plenty of opportunities, either natrual or thru manipulation, to show what you have.  Never have, never will ask someone, 'If I do this, will you do that?'  Love ISN'T quid pro quo.

'Depression is a term for weather and topography.  At least that is what it says in MY dictionary.

If saying 'f*ck it', is acceptance, then I'll raise my hand, sheepishly.  To me, it is sound thinking, just drive the hell on and keep it moving.  Life ain't gonna stop, and there isn't a discharge on the ground.  Get the hell over it and do something.

The reason today's word is 'resentment', it is because I don't want her to take advantage of my natural inclination to be supportive and give her that place to find solace regarding her sister's medical situation.  Uh, I have done this, with similiar diagnosis, THREE TIMES, and each time, came up on the short end of it, one of which you were able to 'not' be there even as you called yourself my partner.

What ever your sister heard, could be anything more serious or critical than what I have sat and heard THREE TIMES already ... oh, btw, what exactly do you think MY medical doctor talks to ME about ..?

I could care less about your sister.  Letting the 'net know, so it doesn't slip out ... I could reach into her chest and rip her heart out ... that isn't 'anger' but that is what you purchase when you spend my love so recklessly.  Why be upset about it? 

Vengeful?  Maybe you call it that.  I don't, I call it 'good policy'.  If I someone has to tell you not to step on toes, then it is too late.  Mookie is on my feet.  Get the hell OFF!

And I resent that Mookie is going to get away with it, not only because she is underserving, but because no matter what, it is better for me to live on my terms.  Since I am 'here', I will do what I am supposed to do, just like when I was boxing, and knew that my 'prime' was gone.  I wasn't going to go out any other way than to give what I had, until everything was used up. 

So, I am telling myself, even though I am not 'good' with this, that I will get that way.  It isn't about her, but it is about ME being what I EXPECT.  Who cares about her ..?

... much, anyway!

TODAY'S SONG CHOICES

... will get on that one later too ... for once, they were VERY MUCH purposeful ...

... enjoy Lipps, Inc. !

2 comments:

nightmaremom said...

I wish I had words..........
d

lv2trnscrb said...

Mark, that is an awesome weight!!! now that I'm back on the healthy eating, fitness lifestyle, do share all you have to share

I hope Mookie got home safe and soundly; I know where your "heart" is with her and I know your plans, but I'm hoping she got home at a reasonable time to spend time with lil Mook

let's see, we bought my son a laptop for his birthday last year; I think we got a Hewlett Packard, it is a nice one; he has tons of songs on it that he downloaded or put on himself from CDs to then put on his MP3 player. It ran us about $700 if I remember correctly because we elected to pay for the replacement programs they always suggest you get; me and my husband never get those replacement programs because we tend to be a bit more responsible with things, he tends to drop things in water (cell phone), leave things in his pocket and wash his clothes (bluetooth) etc so we figured the extra warranty was worth the price. He's been happy with it

betty