Friday, April 18, 2008

Trying to summon my 'tirelessness'

OOH, FORGOT TO ADD ..!

Lil' Mook did it again!  She won concert tickets to see Jordan Sparks, Ne-Yo, and Alicia Keys at the Palace of Auburn Hills in June!  She is absolutely money when it comes to winning off the radio!  Blows my mind!

THE COWARD YOU BECOME ...

... when fatigue enters the picture.  There are moments where it is all I can do not to feel sorry for myself, not to go back and undone the wrongs that I have done, wishing I had lived a life more 'truer' to my desires.  I want to shrug off some of the resposiblity for my being here, feeling like this.  There are moments, I want for just peace, something to ease what I am feeling inside.

Part of this, is that I still don't feel like I am in control of anything.  I have to have help in getting gone.  Sometimes, I want to pick up and just shove as much of what I brought and leave.  Other times, I just want to hop on a bus straight away ... either outcome would be the same, as the things that I can't pack, my feelings, are what I want to take with me the most.

I think about Snoopy ... pretending to be an American soldier in the European Theatre, dragging himself wearily through the fields and small towns, in pursuit of victory, when victory was still unknown.  That is what kind of 'tirelessness' I am trying to let work for me.

Even though I know better, I wonder if I am not worth someone loving, not worthy of affection.  Times like now, I ask if this is all there is, and that I need to imagine myself without that special person.  At one time, it was a serious consideration, but under less stressful cirucmstances.  I could have done that, had I made the choice years ago when it was being considered.  But now, it feels like a compromise, like a quit job.

Don't want to be even handed, enough with being polite.  It isn't just that I want to be 'missed' as much as I want her to 'hurt'.  It is all I can do from thinking 'eternal ills' as a pox on her.  That she has the 'whatever it is'-es that are going to make for her to remain single quite prolly forever, is not enough.  Not only do I want her to hurt, I WANT to be the one to do it, to drive the stake and watch as love andhappiness oozes from her limp, empty heart.

Would love to be the fly in the room when somehow my name comes up and with a wistful voice, she reounts how she 'messed up' with me.  But rather than that, I wish for her never to know happiness in a relationship and for her to long for company, only never to find anyone worthwhile.  I want for this to be the milstone around her neck, and that her pursuit of love be matched only by Sisyphus desire for rest ...

... as the stone rolls down the side of the hill, awaiting him, yet again, and again, and again ...

AND YES, I DO THINK ...

...at least for me, to give into to these emotions, is a weakness.  Don't know if it makes sense to anyone, but it does to me.  I need to stay away from that, as to seek revenge is to dig two graves ... I just want to get away and get started with my life.

4 comments:

mpnaz58 said...

Bingo!  I think all these feelings are flooding you because you are still there.  If you could just get up and go...you wouldn't be giving it a second thought because you would have moved on!!  We all want that person who wronged us to hurt, just as we are hurting, but you are right, it does no one any good.  Hang on, my friend...just a bit longer.  How do you know Mookie doesn't hurt?  She may be torn up inside, and surely, when you're gone...
xoxo ~Myra

rdautumnsage said...

It's hard for you not to be resentful right now, your still enmeshed in something your trying to escape...Revenge is a dish that is always served cold..better yet a saying comes to mind "An eye for an eye will make the world go blind"...Nothing comes of revenge, you can't get back the wasted time or anything else. You can however try to find another outlet - use those feeling to fuel the path for your journey forward and away....

I've got my own bitter resentments these days, I however can't leave mine. My deafness is a chain that will always weigh me down from time to time...Yet I tirelessly change it up to try to encompass and understand the newest ill fated discovery of what comes with this ugly silence. (Hugs) Indigo

lv2trnscrb said...

good for lil' Mook and her winning abilities!! I've never won anything on a radio contest through the years

your last statement sums up so well where your heart is; I hope the time between now and your leave date goes as quickly as it can

hey, before I forget, do you want me to send the last two CDs of the series from church to you? last week's was "leaving a lasting legacy" and this week's the authors of the book will be at church; have no idea what their topic will be other than summing it all up I imagine

no problem if you want me to; just let me know so I can get a copy made for you

betty

toonguykc said...

Uncertain feelings = insomnia.  I can't say the certain feelings are much better.

Russ