Friday, April 18, 2008

... off on a different course ...

...other than the one I planned ...

from what I read about lil Mook, I'd give you an A; don't grade yourself too harshly


I ususally read the entry alerts of other journals before I get to mine, because I know what I am going to 'say' pretty much.  When I got to this one, my heart caught in my chest.  Last night, I spent about 45 minutes helping lil' Mook with her homework.  It is good for both of us, as I get to get some of the rust of the gears in my mind, and of course it is good bonding for us.

Problem is, she DOESN'T KNOW.

*sigh*  I wish it didn't have to be like this.  I don't know if Mookie is going to want me to talk with her, when the time comes.  Mookie and I speak 'functionally', we don't have too much to say about 'us'.  You know, "where are you going?", "when are you coming back?", and "have a good day" ... that kind of stuff.  There is a commercial that has two parents telling their teen son that they are getting a divorce, and the kid asks, 'how is you two splitting up best for me?', with the upshot being if you can talk to your kid about divorce, you can talk to them about drugs.

Now, with the previous camper, Mookie said he just slipped out, one day he packed and left, she came home to him being gone.  That is on HER.  I don't know why she does things like that, in that fashion.  To analyze 'why', is too close to caring about her, and I do care, just not that strong.

The question I am asking, is can I just leave, go and be gone like she had happen the last time.  See, I love LIL' MOOK, and I never asked for hers back.  Tough for her to identify with a 'father' as the 3 she has had (Mr. Man, the previous camper, and then me) never married her Mom.  So what are ANY OF US to her?  I feel close to her, and would keep in touch ...

... and that IS what I am going to do.  But I wonder what is on her Mom's mind?

It is easy to say 'this is what you get' when you operate on the fringes of morality ... as I listen to a story about the Pope meeting with those who suffered under the abuse of Catholic priest's ... so you get where I am going, you can put your stones down, unless you plan to throw some at your house first.

So I am going to wonder what is going to happen to lil' Mook, because it would be to her benefit, having a male figure.  And it would be to my benefit, because I would like to be a parent.

I don't want anyone to think that I am 'blaming' my marriage.  No one put a gun to my head or anything, but I wasn't willing to put aside my selfishness for a child.  Maybe I could have went to a local school and hacked my way through ... and to be a boxer in Detroit makes more sense than being a boxer in Carolina.  But I didn't have that in me.

That is what is getting to me now.  It is bad enough that the best I can be for any of my babies is their 'really good friend'.  That is an acknowledgement that any 'Father' I am to them, they will determine, not me.  All I can do is love them.  I have watched lil' Mook grow.  High School is next fall, and college is fast approaching.  Boys, cars, work, and all the social hassles of adolescence await, and I would like to be there for her...

... this is a tough, tough, 'Oh Well' for me.  But that is what it has to be.


mpnaz58 said...

This is still on Mookie...that yet, another man/father figure, walks out of lil' Mook's she going to think that ALL men do that?  3 (almost) will leave her mom, and esentially, her, so what type of relationships will she be looking for when looking for a partner?  I do think Mookie should tell her you a chance to "explain" not the whole story cuz that doesn't really concern her, but you'll end up being the bad guy (which you will anyway) in her eyes, and you're not.  Oh, as she grows up, she'll eventually see that her mom has issues, and it'll be that a-ha moment.  Hopefully, she won't repeat the pattern.  
xoxo ~Myra

nightmaremom said...

I say if you want to be there and 'lil mook agrees do it.   I bet you've been a great influence on her and I bet she loves you for it....   might not be Dad... but what is the meaning of Dad anyway?????????   My son has a sperm donor but I'd never say he was Dad.

csandhollow said...

I think she needs to be told.

rdautumnsage said...

I never exactly had a dad myself. I would of given anything to have had someone show an interest in my life who wanted to be there for me...lil Mook's mom might in some way try to discourage her from having anything to do with you when this is all over. Hopefully before it is you can let her know you'll be there for her when she needs you. Afterwards it's up to her if she decides she wants you in her life still. I have a feeling she will. Lil Mook is a bright young woman I imagine she already knows more about the situation than she lets on. (Hugs) Indigo

lv2trnscrb said...

Myra said it very well, Mark, and I still stand by my comment; 45 minutes spent on helping any child with their homework is a wonderful attribute of yours

I think you need to be able to have a chance to say goodbye to lil' Mook; I think she will be devastated if you don't; I'm hoping Mookie allows you two to keep in touch