IT'S TOO LATE (Sondre Lerche)
Shufflin' through the Real Player and getting my music off of here. MAN! There are over 2400 songs of MINE on here! Bet her computer runs faster when I am gone ... geez! Don't know if anyone is into Joyce Carol Oates, but I am in to her a little (she likes boxing, doesn't she?? more than enough reason for me to like her!!) and she was interviewed on NPR this morning. I am interested enough to sniff out her latest piece, but the interviewer asked her how she was coping with the death of her husband of 40 years. Her answer was insighful, as she said she feels as if she is operating at '40 % effiecency' and that maybe she will get some of it back. But that she tires easily, and constantly feels 'tired'.
Something I thought I would share before I dive into my own little mess.
Today would be a GREAT day to make the 'great escape'! The girls are in church ALL DAY and it would take me more than 30 minutes to throw this in the back of a truck and scoot! But I have several appointments this week that I would like to keep, and more good byes to have, like at the QD up the street. They have put up with me all this time, never once rushing me, and always taking the time to make sure I have what I came to get. People are good, if you let them be good. That has been something I've had to 'learn'. I mean, honestly, I need to lean on people now, and I AM going to do it. My instincts are still reliable, and I just KNOW that my story doesn't in with a headline with "Tragic", or "Sad" in it!
Another thing about this, and I am wondering what is going to come of it, is lil' Mook and our relationship. My style isn't to force myself upon someone, and whatever her Mother is going to do, is going to decide what happens. I am going to miss her, because though I never wanted to be a father, I only thought of names of girls ... guess like they say women married their Dad, I was out trying to make my Mom! Anyway, I have told her on occasion that she is as much a daughter to me as any of my own ... she shares a name with one. I hope she does keep in touch.
AN EAGLE IN YOUR MIND (Boards of Canada)
So, what is payback? I am taking a break from getting my gear together, as I am going to get the 'visible' things put up before I get to all my music. The thought has occured to me that I could do a 'vanishing' and be gone one day during the week, with the girls out. But then I would be like the previous camper, and he is to me what the house tabby is to a jaguar ...
... not on the same level.
Besides, my DAD is coming to get me. I want people to see what she is getting rid of. I am sure that a couple of the neighbor ladies wouldn't mind trying to 'recycle'! She has family next door, so there is going to be some talk in her 'tree', and uncles and cousins whispering at the cookout. That is payback enough, having her business out front. Even if they don't talk about it directly, it is going to be on their minds.
Other than that, what worry of it of mine anyway? Does Mookie hurt, does she not ... honestly, it doesn't matter to me. Whatever is going to be written in her book, evidently doesn't include me. I am looking forward to what lies ahead ... not what I am leaving behind ...
THE BELL PHENOMENON
That is what my legs feel like when I put on my jeans. Like now, no one really has noticed (I am sure Mookie has, but doesn't know how to communicate it ... and you STILL wonder why I am leaving ..?), and that is because weight loss is a gradual thing. Another reason I place importance on becoming fit and trying to change how you see yourself before you try to measure yourself by the scale.
Someone new coming into my life, they won't see the heavier Mark, they will see me as I am. That is never going to change, people see you for what you are, not what you think you are. Being fit is as much about mental exercise as anything. You have to believe that what you are doing is positively affecting you and your life. Fitness changes your lifestyle.
When I was an amateur boxer, I realized what boxing was doing for me, keeping me focused on the gym and training, opposed to being out in the streets wandering aimlessly. Coupled with the other activities I was doing, it would have beenhard for street life to gain traction in my life.
So that is the biggest benefit of fitness. It soaks up 'wasted time', converts it to a positive thing, and leaves you with the perspective to love those who are in your life, and stand up to your challenges. You want to lose weight, so you may as well start by working at it ... and the other things are 'extras' that you don't even know you are getting!