Saturday, April 26, 2008

PERSONAL PATHOLOGY

PERSONAL PATHOLOGY

So I made two entries referencing my Dad this week. Reading over them, I guess they seem kind of confusing, and I would like to clarify them, since I am ‘sharing’ this.

I have no doubt that I have fallen short of fulfilling my potential. Not looking for anyone to weep for me, but it needs to be said. I just figured it was time to start paying attention to the lessons that life has assigned me.

People say that I think too much. I feel that I don’t think enough. Many mistakes I have made have been ‘unforced errors’, things that did not have to happen because life had told me what to do, and which way to go. That is what half-listening will do for you.

So my Dad was on my mind. I am tired of living here, because I still care about both of the Mook’s. Mookie still likes me, but she is SOOO not in love with me. At the top of the week, I had enough. I started thinking about my Dad, and what I will have to say to him, because you don’t call him if you aren’t going to do something. I am the same way. You need something done, give me a buzz. You want someone to cry with, call your girlfriend.

I had to take the idea and roll it around in my mind at first, THEN actually call him. When you make a ‘commitment cut’, you may as well go forward. Had to make sure that indeed, this is what I wanted to do. Feel better as far as my health on ALL FRONTS, and I am not going to see my Carolina baby for the summer. THERE IS NO REASON for me to stay here.

RANDOM, RANDOM

Mookie invited me to go shopping with her and lil’ Mook! As I need to stretch out anyway, I went on with them. I know what it COULD have been, but even if it was, Mookie still got a little catty with me. I was able to blow it off, because I don’t need to look at it as allowing anything in our relationship. Besides, I wanted the challenge of walking around the strip, keep up with the large crowds, and looking at the clothes! Little secret … I LIKE SHOPPING! My friend AKA, would be amazed watching my approach to shopping … FOR ANYTHING.

And again, a fellow journalist was able to help me thru this day. I started thinking about Malagutigrrl, and how she deals with shopping with her Mom. I know how much I respect how she ‘cowboy up’ to going out with her Mom. Yes Angel, I have my moments to, in large crowds. But I don’t want to think I am not able to cope, so I went. I think I did pretty good, helped Mookie pick out a nice dress, that she was too scared to pick up, as it was out of her ‘comfort zone’ (talk about a candidate for ‘What Not To Wear’ ..!), and I walked around with lil’ Mook while she shopped some alone.

Because it was windy this morning, and I didn’t get a decent recharge out of my sleep, I went for a walk this morning (3 mi.). After shopping, with my eyes seeing sparks, my feet sore, I took a walking stick and went out and did two and a half more miles! Sitting here, still thinking I am going to do a little more as far as stretching out and stuff, I think I am going to do just fine going home!

TAKING A PEEK …

At what my immediate future holds. Will have to get all new medical stuff … may still keep with my current therapist, only maybe once a month. Need to get away from that, I think, because if I can’t, then what good am I to anyone? Still I am very grateful for the help he has been for me.

Other than the visit I owe Nebraska for coming out to Chicago, I don’t expect to be dealing with ‘the fairer sex’ for a nice while, not as a far as a relationship goes. I can feel the scars on my heart, and though they are healing, it is going to take a minute. Won’t rush into anything for a bit … won’t put anything out until after the New Year … maybe Valentine’s Day so I won’t feel obligated on EITHER holiday!

Now THAT is some good goat thinking’!

THE FOG OF WAR

"The great uncertainty of all data in war is a peculiar difficulty, because all action must, to a certain extent, be planned in a mere twilight, which in addition not infrequently — like the effect of a fog or moonshine — gives to things exaggerated dimensions and unnatural appearance." -Carl Von Clausewitz

 

Last night, Nebraska sent an email saying how she had seen on the tele people poking fun at Sec. Of Defense Rumesfeld telling the press about “… the things we know we don’t know …”. I like it, because he actually made sense, not just to me, but to ANYONE who is involved with dealing with sensitive information, but has to be the public face for the whole shebang. Now my man, Carl Von Clausewitz had a more elegant description for what Rummy was trying to ‘not say’. I also think that it is an appropriate approach to how the ending of a relationship, should be handled.

We often say or have heard it said that someone is ‘too close to see’ or that they are thinking with their ‘head in the clouds’ or are ‘in a fog’. I think that Von Clausewitz explains how it happens, militarily. Not saying that I am all into this or that (as if this and that’s related), but I do understand combat and tactics better than I ever will the inner workings of a woman! So, I am going to work with it.

AND THAT BRINGS ME BACK …

Working from where you work from best! Try to convert things into something you can handle reasonably well, and then deal with it. I can’t stress that enough. I am sitting here, and I know that there is part of me that doesn’t want this to end. If I let myself think like ‘Mark, the cat shackin’ up with Mookie’, I could find myself in an even MORE untenable situation. But if I make it a boxing match, or a war game, or even what would I tell a sister as their big brother, I can handle it.

… ‘sides, I am like at ‘6 days and a wake up’ from going back to the world!  Even if Mookie is wondering if it there is anything to be done, there isn't ... inviting me out isn't going to make a difference to me, not this close to the extraction date ..!

3 comments:

mpnaz58 said...

Extraction date...oooh, I like that!  Once you're gone, it'll be a different life for each of you.  It'll take some getting used to, but I've no doubt that you'll all be ok.  It'll be good for you to get back with family.
xoxo ~Myra

lv2trnscrb said...

a day late and a dollar short as my mom would have said about Mookie asking you to go shopping with her and lil Mook, but it was a nice gesture and did get you out and about

WTG on the miles walked today!! that must have felt good to accomplish that

betty

toonguykc said...

You'd think "scars on the heart" would make it tougher.  Maybe it does for some people, but it never worked for me.

Russ