Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Making an entry

TO LIVE LIKE YOU ARE DYING ... LIFE WITH AN INTENTION ...

Really, what would you do if you only had one month to live ..? Does this message have any resonance for you? It does for me. Part of my motivation for wanting to leave, is because if I have to spend my ‘Sammy years’, I don’t want to spend them in a dead relationship. I don’t want to spend this time, struggling for the bare minimum of love and affection.

For real, I told myself when I was in my halcyon days, that I was indeed racing to my life, with all of the best still ahead of me. I still think that way, cobbling together what I have, and making the best of it. To hear someone else say the things that you feel, affirms what you feel inside, makes me think that somehow I am on the right track, and that the ‘hope for’ part of faith is there.

That is part of the commitment you make when you ask whoever you ask, for the things you want … and be sure that you will receive what you need. I have never thought it was a problem, but maybe it is, albeit a good one, but a problem nonetheless.

I have ALWAYS tried to ‘give’ of myself. I admit to my ‘wanting’ and ‘lusting’ for things … scratch ‘things’ and insert people and love. Not blaming, but acknowledging that maybe in me and my brother, my Mom was trying to find the love in a ‘man’ that she could not get in her life. Because that is, what I really feel identified my brother and is something that I have in me. I want to make a woman happy and be a part of the MAKING of her happiness. That she puts me at the center, is on her. I just want someone to adore.

There has been far too many times to count, that I have told Mookie if she could just put ‘showing Mark affection’ on her weekly checklist, just like she knows when is laundry day, bulk trash day, oh hey, pat Mark on the head and give him a kiss day, then I would be cool. I would count on once she sees how good it felt to do that, she would want to do that herself.

But it didn’t take.

DYING FOR EACH OTHER …

What a great idea! That is what was my ‘one month’ phrase. I had come to the realization that I WANTED to give my heart, my life to someone. Part of why my boxing slipped away from me, is that my Delta Girl couldn’t take the separation that sometimes is a part of being a boxer, climbing the ladder. To be honest, I did not anticipate actually ‘rising’ from Carolina, in fact, what I told her was that I just be a little regional fighter, going to Va, SC, Ga, and DC to fight, get a little money and have a little fun.

The light got into my eyes … and I lost my way.

But what did losing such a precious opportunity to be happy do to me? It made me resolve not to be ashamed of what I had done with my life, and to go forward and live the best that I could. All I had to do was read a paper or look at a television to know what would be said about me, about having my babies and doing what I had done. I have always invited anyone who would want to say mean things to me, and about me, to walk MY walk, not the walk that they supposed it to have been … then they can say what they want. Who can? No one.

So again, I feel confident in being able to look forward to the things that I want most in my life. I want to be able to take a picture with my three girls, and they to become fast friends. I want to get back into school, and sharpen my writing chops, and my kitchen skills. And finally, I want to make a woman happy, and be married.

We all think that we are different, but we are not. Flippantly, we say things to humble or make someone more our equal, ask them ‘what, you do-do don’t stink?’, which we really do to feed our own insecurities. We all have problems, I tend to put mine out with my heart. I know that I am what I am, but I won’t try to fake you out.

There is NOTHING wrong with being with faults. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know how much they mean to me. I have to admit, I wonder what Mookie and I would be, if she could have told me on occasion that she loved me … she did when she was out west …

… not once since she has been home.

On a CD sent to me, the pastor makes a statement, ‘being characterized by love’. I feel that I am ‘characterized by love.’ I can show someone how important they are to me … from explaining to you daughter what is happening to her when she has her first cycle, to making you breakfast in bed or better yet, give you my last ten dollars and the 3rd of the month is two weeks away …

*sigh* I feel alright. Just a deep breath. Ready to take on tomorrow. And I can’t wait to do it!

4 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

Mark, I know you will accomplish what you set out to do! I'm looking forward to hearing all about it as you begin your new life in the next 6 weeks or so

betty

mpnaz58 said...

Since the day you decided to leave, there has been a change to your words.  Conviction, because you know this is what you have to do and you believe it fully.  Sincerity, because while you know its time, you acknowledge things could have been so different had you been met half the way.  Courage, because even though you're going back home to a place you know and people you love (& love you back), yet a little trepidation.  I truly believe you'll be fine...whats more important, YOU believe it too!  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

malagutigrrl said...

Ahhhh! Tomorrow!  
Every morning you wake and have the opportunity to do everything better than yesterday.  If you do, FABULOUS.  If not, there's always tomorrow...
:D
Coming back here always feels like coming home...

lisa41076 said...

Mark, a few weeks ago on the show Dateline it was telling about an amazing man named Randy Pausch, if you go to www.youtube.com you can see his inspiring speech , he was diagonosed with pancreatic cancer, he also wrote a book called The Last Lecture, Hugs Lisa