Thursday, April 24, 2008

About Myself


To be certain that someone understands me, I have decided to 'back track' and see what, if anything, someone is still feeling for me.  I know that ordinarily it is bad practice, but this isn't an ordinary circumstance.  With Mookie, I think I went back too far and our growth from what we were has split wider than either of us are willing to bridge.  What it is she may want I am unwilling or not capable of doing.  She can't be anything but what she is.  What we once were, we are always going to be ... our daughter's name reflect that.

But what we could ... CAN'T happen.

This experience has also eliminated my first wife from offical consideration as well.  They shared that 'era' in my life, and I couldn't POSSIBLY trust my wife on a emotional level.  Nixxie is 'otherwise engaged', and Pecan Sandie is still got the 'mad hate' thing going ... she isn't violent, but there is SOMETHING about her ...

Not like I won't have the time to recover.  I will have to build myself back up, as even as I try to tell myself that I am still a good, viable partner, failure echoes in the canyon of my heart. I am hurting a bit, but the disappointment is what really bothers me.  Mookie is stressing a little, and I can't bring myself to try to talk to her about what is going to come next.  Truth is, I don't care what comes next for her.  She had PLENTY of opportunity to get some help, but she turned away from it.

It seems like a joke, that women really can't tell the difference between a good partner and a less than good one.  The confusing thing is, why do they still get out into the field then?  I wonder a bit if Mookie isn't getting geared up for being a 'love loser', just enough interaction to satisfy her hormonal needs, but unable to make more of an emotional connection.  Just wonderin', not carin'.

I don't know if this is 'sexist' or not, but I am going to come straight away.  I have met MORE women totally uncomfortable in the lights of my eyes than not.  By that, I am saying that the attention and focus that comes in being the object of my heart, makes them too darned uneasy!  I don't hazard a guess at it, and at this point in my life, no longer care.

"If you haven't done your roadwork in the dark of the morning, you are getting found out now, underneath the bright lights."  -Joe Frazier (or close enough!)

What he is talking about of course, is doing your running and training like you should for a boxing match.  If you have been slack, well fight night will prove it.  It is that simple in relationships as well.  If you are crap in key areas, then your relationship may well be crap too.  "How IS that working for you?" is what I wish I could ask some of the lassies that are single and yearning for a committed relationship.  I grow offended when someone talks about a current relationship being similiar or the person acting like a previous failed romance.

One of the things that keeps me hopeful is that this ending is NOT like any other ending ... sure there a similarities, because the end of things don't vary all that much in what takes place, maybe in degree.  But to look back and judge the body of the relationship itself as 'the same' means that you have been fooling yourself and are in serious need of some honest introspection, or at least a good mirror.

KNOW YOUR CHICKEN -(Cibo Matto song)

Just as I was growing into myself, I joined the service.  Perhaps I would have had a better road, but there are just too many to sit and say, 'I wish I had done this', and the only one I have ever allowed myself is my first marriage.  Otherwise, I know what it is I have done, and like it or don't, I have gotten what I have earned, and cheated myself out of what I deserve.  Yes Sugar, it is just like that.

Being 'a true optimist' is being willing to do the work to get the results, you know?  My thing coming out of this, is what do I need to do for the next round.  Can't undo what has happened, got to deal with things as they come.  One of the things that I am going to focus on, is 'trusting myself'.  Just as I know that for most folks, to bother someone back in the day is taboo, for some reason, it makes sense for me.  See, when someone told me to 'leave', I left and stayed gone.  Did THEY have second thoughts?  I would be lying if I didn't say I have heard that they did.  Mookie can play stupid if she wants, but she all but came and got me when I let her know I had been single and LONG single.  And I wouldn't have been 'feel' Nebraska if there wasn't something to be felt, you know?  I can't really recall any 'false readings' when it comes to things like this.

Said all that to say I don't know what kind of person I will 're-discover'.  Not going to close out something 'new' either, but why go back at all you say?  I am going to get to that ...


Tuesday night episode was one about a gay quarterback and his secret lover who was murdered, and the quarterback was the lead subject.  Solving for the sexual component, the quarterback was suffering from trauma from repeated concussions...

... so know you see.

They set the case up to where is short term memory (which is where I get fuzzy too) couldn't account for him either going into a rage and killing his partner, or be accoutable for his time.  The way they portrayed the character, gave me a 'look' at how people may see me ... and you know what, I don't think it was at all that bad of a look.

The prosecution planned to produce into evidence at trial a practice where he went into a rage a teammate who tried to make a play on him in practice.  In football, you don't hit the quarterback and some guy did, so he went off on him.  But for the most part, he was calm and easy going.

I think that is how I am, and how I will be.  I don't go off, as it is out of my character to begin with.  Besides, I am still 'here', and I have drilled myself how to behave in emotional situations.  It is the law of 'emotional inertia', a person who tends to be a jerk, will continue to be one; someone who tends to be chill, will always tend to be chill ...

...unless heated!


Kahlil Gibran ... ON MARRIAGE

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's


lv2trnscrb said...

interesting Law and Order; did he do it?

You have a good attitude in your thinking, Mark, when you say "I have gotten what I have earned and cheated myself out of what I deserve"; a lot of people might tend to put the blame on something or someone else; you are realistic in realizing and saying it was you who made the choices you made, whether they worked out or not and whether they were good ones or not; a lot of people never get to that point in their lives


pamal3 said...

Congratulation's on being chosen as Guest Editor's Pick Mark. Love Pam xx

nhd106 said...

So THIS is where you've been hiding!    Good to have found you...

Always loved your writing and thoughts.


toonguykc said...

We're a sum of our choices...sorta.  You at least *understand* the choices you've made - even the wrong ones.  That puts you ahead of the game in my opinion.


buckoclown said...

Glad you can stay Chill.  Congrats and being selected by Betty as Guest Editor Pick :o)

c2anangel said...

Hey!  I don't have the best eyesight and I want a copy of this. Is there anyway that you could please e-mail it to me? I would greatly appreaciate it!!! All I know it is someones thoughts on marriage.  THis is on my mind and I need all the advice I can get.  
                             sincerely, C2 >smile<