Look out ..! It's Random over here ..!

TIRED

Physically.  Did another 'Indian Run' and petered out terribly at the finish.  Got lil' Mook off to school, got ready to volunteer at the library ... hustled downtown, did that ... something is messed up on my bike ... the rear rim is funny ... dag!  I don't have the loot for that ..!

40 YEARS AGO TODAY

Dr. Martin Luther King was assainated today.  Now, I am more along the lines of the cat Ginacarlo Rossi played in the Spike Lee joint, 'School Daze' ... he uttered the line, 'You go back to Ah-free-ka ... I am from DEE-TROIT, MO-town ..!'

Could go on and on and debate the meanings of that and or the thinking that it lends itself to.  But that isn't today, and it isn't now.  I am reflecting on what is required of ME because of the sacrifice of others.

I think my Mom did the best she could with what she had.  She made some 'other that good' decisions, and she made a lot of very good decisions.  I think that it was up to ME, specifically as her oldest to have set a better example, a better tone, for the rest of her children.  I have always felt that I didn't do a good job at that.

And that was my failing in the spirit of 'The Dream'.

Thinking about putting us on ice skates, squeezing Jan into a tutu, riding us out past and thru St. Clair Shores and the Pointes, she made the effort for us to have a better opportunity.  Me being the oldest, had a higher responsibility to that.  I let her down, simple as that.

That is what comes to my mind whenever an anniversary for Dr. King is noted.  I am reminded that I am part of those who have taken his sacrifice for granted, that the doors that I walked thru, that were once closed to him, I did not fully take advantage of.

Right now, there is some 'shoulda, woulda' going on in my mind.  My Mom would look at me, and with complete sincerity tell me I could be president.  It was never that I did not believe her (I did think I would segue as an officer and come to politics after being a General!), but that I did not fully actualize my talents, take advantage of what was fought for me to use.

That is just the truth.

MUST BE A NEBRASKA WEEK!

She has been heavily on my mind each day, breaking out from her 'Monday'!  Don't really know why ...  She may as well be a million miles away, and I am sure she has her own life with her own goals in mind.  I just can't stop thinking about her!

I know what it makes me, being that I am here in Mookie's house.  Not EVEN gonna try to make it sound like anything, other than what it is ... FOR ME!  When I am feeling irie, I am feeling her.  I still remember when I first laid eyes on her at the bus station in Chicago!  She look soooo pretty!  But what really, really got me was the sound of her voice.  It was the sound that a marshmellow makes when you dip it in honey ...

Riding around passing places here in the provincial town I live in, I pass by spots that I haven't been, but I would like to go.  I haven't been, because it isn't worth the effort of convincing Mookie to step out of her box and try something new.  I could see myself cajoling 'braska into at least trying it ONCE.

And that is what it is about, isn't it?  Building new experiences with that special person, the one you supposed to be the closest to, isn't it?

GOOD BYE LOVE (you know, like the lyrics from the Guy song!)

That is what it felt like, saying good bye when she dropped me at my best sister's house.  I could have stayed lost in her arms for the rest of my life, sustained only by the sight of her!  Well, maybe a cookie and a Coke, but you get the picture.

She is a very well put together lady, nothing over done.  She looks like a warm summer's breeze.  I would always be able to say that she is the reason that I were a smile on my face!  Whenever I think about going back to Detroit, I think about how much fun it would be if she were there to share it with.  I miss spots and places ... from the cheap concerts down at St. Andrew's to the 'brew 'n view' movies at the Magic Bag ... ooh, and the restaurants!  Finally, being able to go out on ocassion WITH someone (though it would be an adjustment ... never paid for TWO at Shula's or Morton's!) and share myself with someone new, someone I care for ...

... and care for me ...

I guess I float the possibility in my mind more than a little bit.  Part of it is my yearning for not just someone, but HER.  Part of it is 'making my adjustments'.  In fact, she was the one that put into my mind that I should look for someone that has more things in common with me.  Thing is, I don't know what that is ... I mean, I like so many different things, and what other folks call 'complex', is just me being me!  I have already had to 'simplfy' to just keep myself sane, let alone for anyone else.

Besides, all someone has to do to be 'my type' is to be willing to stretch and grow.  If anyone asked me, that is what makes me so appealing, that I can see what is possible.  More than that, I am willing to make it real, and make the journey an enjoyable one ...

MAKE IT LAST FOREVER (you know, the Keith Sweat, Sideah Garrett song?)

This is a tape made in respose to an accuasation that I deliberately didn't like 'black music'.  Did too, and I even bought some too!  See?  I had this tape, but it 'got got' by someone who prolly couldn't believe I had it!

When it comes to the 'ingesting of media' by the black community, it is that it is done so superficially, without recognition.  Not of the work that goes into the happy love songs, not into the underlying themes of the Tyler Perry drama's (guilty, guilty pleasure ... don't tell anyone!), it puts me in the mind of a Winston Churchill quote about men who stumble upon the truth, then get up and walk away as though nothing ever happened.

I want to dance to that song, maybe at my wedding.  I don't care how old I am, and I don't care that I can't dance ... if I put that ring on a finger, someone at or near where the owner of that ring lives, is dancing with me to that song on that day!  Maybe I will be lucky enough and run into Jill Scott ... she is single!  I wouldn't want her to sing at our day ... that is her job!

I like Tahoe ... and I have always wanted to go to the Canadian Rockies ... talking honey moon y'all!  That would be good enough for me!  And since I can't drive, she won't have to worry aboutgetting me no car ... just make sure I have several bikes tuned up and ready for the road!  Oooh, she could save on personal protection!  I can still crank the left hook up!

WISHING (if I had a photograph of you!)

Yes, I used to listen to 'A Flock of Seagulls'!  Anyway, that is my song for that unrequited yearning for that person who I don't know, who is still out there not knowing that HER person that she is 'wishing' for is sitting at his journal, thinking and preparing himself to 'see' her when she appears!  I have been very good at recognizing her ... I want to think that what ever it is that I was missing has since been aquired from this experience.

Earlier today, I wanted to feel a little down.  I was tired and sore from my run, which didn't go well.  I went to the library, and while it was a good day down there, still wasn't feeling filled in.  It has been something that has been lingering for most of the week.  I think part of it is that the weight of being here is a little burdensome, with me an' lil' Mook here alone.  If her Mom were to send for her, it would be legitimately a good thing, as she needs the experience going off somewhere on her on.

AFTER ALL, KT DOES IT, ONLY LIKE, EVERY YEAR

Uh, if you weren't sure that I was going to leave Mookie, know this ... me and Nixxie canceled this year's visit ... in MARCH.  After this was 'over', I called her and we talked it out.  She feels that I need to get settled in Detroit, then she can come up.  I think that I am going to have to go down to see her this year.  We have spent time with each other for the last seven years. 

I was shocked, SHOCKED when Nixxie first let me come down and get KT and take her back to Detroit with me.  That is her ONLY baby, and she isn't going to have any more (so she says ...), so that she let her only one go, was amazing.

She had a great time, as I took those two weeks off from work and we just hung out.  We had another summer like that, then I moved in with Mookie.  She did have a real good time the first time, and just a good time the second.  Last year, she was 'indifferent'.

When I spoke to Nixxie about her coming for this summer, before dissolution, she told me that KT had mixed feelings, but wanted to see me.  I won't detail it, but rest assured, if I knew she had felt like that, it would have been enough for me to leave here, without cause.  In fact, that is most of what fuels the bitterness I have.  I don't mind her not liking something about me ... but for my daughter to feel ANYTHING other than happy when she is here, is inexcusable.

Nope, and I won't.  I won't tell Mookie about it.  What good would it do?  If she was simply on HER JOB, it wouldn't have been an issue.  Since she isn't, what is there to tell?  If anything, that would be a pile on ...

... ooh ... sorta got off track.  Anyway, lil' Mook needs to 'big girl' up.  She can hang.  My baby has to change planes in the ATL to get here ... lil' Mook has a direct flight.  But I am sure that the Grandparents' ain't feelin' something like that ... not to mention the case of the queasy that Mookie prolly has.

If she was mine, she would be on her way!

THE BIG FINISH

Whew!  I am actually tired ... prolly need to cut back on working (that is 'exercising' and 'running' for those who don't know), and take a break.  Do that on Monday, going to riding my bike more and chilling out.

Y'all have the best weekend! Enjoy Adam and the Ants!